Wednesday, September 3, 2008

RNC Update: Undelegates’ Heads Must Be Fully Severed

St. Paul, MINNESOTA—In what many here are calling the "night of the living word," local Minnesotans are reeling from monotonous, persistent, and droning attacks from RNC undelegates. The advice from local law enforcement officials, however, was clear and consistent: remain calm, reason with the undelegate, and completely sever their heads from their bodies. “It’s the only way to stop them,” said a shaken police chief, John Harrington. “For the love of God, cut cleanly and completely.”

Even if you are asked for brains, or directions to Mickey’s Diner or even Casetta’s, “don’t do it, it’s a trick!” said Harrington, whilst barricaded behind his desk as a throng of undelegates swamped his office demanding in their relentless way to know where the Mary Tyler Moore statue was, how awesome and down-t0-earth Sarah Palin is, and also where Tim Pawlenty is buried.

“Brains!” one undelegate said, on condition of anonymity for fear of offending his fellow undelegates. “Mall of America! Eat moose abortion!”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for...oh my god, they're here, breaking in the windows, with their dead eyes and unborn specters! Run! Run St. Paul, run!

Copyright 2008 Newsmaker News.

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