Washington, DC—In a move that will effectively federalize billions of dollars worth of illiquid private sector assets, President Bush today endorsed a league of elitist politicians and anticapitalist bureaucrats to plan a massive stabilization of the country’s financial markets.
The politicians and bureaucrats, shown at left being smart and coming together to fix what some are calling the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression, have developed a plan that will straitjacket the private sector with stifling and burdensome regulation, thereby saving us from financial doom by insuring average investors’ mutual fund investments and relieving ailing financial giants of the crushing subprime mortgage debt that has the entire financial sector teetering on disaster .
President Bush, in a terse Rose Garden statement, said the move will also “put latte-drinking politicians in charge of money better spent by regular Joe and Jane Six Stocks like you and me.” Which will save everything, the President added.
The President’s plan will be sent to congress next week for legislative action, and is sure to be approved. Senator Chris Dodd and Representative Barney Frank, both chairs of their respective banking and finance committees as well as communist regulatory zealots who hate business and want to strangle it and everything else with “laws” and “rules,” assured the nation that congressional action on the plan will be swift.
The plan authorizes a bunch of egg-headed, out of touch, high-minded ivy-league types to decide what’s best for the rest of us, and get us out of the mess Wall Street has created for itself by gambling on complex mortgage investments and paying for them with cash borrowed from itself. “Real East Coast types,” said Mr. Bush, “wouldn’t know a branding iron from a crow bar…gonna get in there and save the day, so don’t worry.”
The plan is having a big impact on the campaign trail. Senator John McCain, speaking to a rally in Green Bay, Wisconsin, called the move “Overregulation and burdensome top-down planning by a junta of Ivy Leaguers using your tax dollars to hog-tie the private sector businesspeople who are the engines of America’s economy” and who screwed that economy up. Mr. McCain then went on to praise the fundamentals of the economy, which he called “strong” and also “in the worst crisis since I was in Hanoi Hilton,” and to say that “if those pencil-pushing pinheads in the government don’t like it, well they can talk to the Maverick—after they’re done making everything better again.”
“Me too,” added his running mate, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. “You bet yer dressed moose we will.”
On the Democratic side, Senator Barack Obama said the moves were necessary to respond to a crisis of potentially catastrophic proportions, one made possible by eight years of Bush Administration lack of oversight and cozy, incestuous relationships between regulators and Wall Street. “It’s going to take some clear, smart thinking by our nation’s best to get us out of this mess,” he added.
Senator McCain was quick to pounce on this gaffe, using a packed campaign stop in Blaine, Minnesota, to mock Senator Obama’s comments as “elitist and out of touch.” Asking the flag-waiving crowd, “can you believe this guy?” McCain called Obama “one of them smart types, ‘understands’ things and has a ‘plan’ to ‘save’ your investments.” Mr. McCain here raised his arm as high as he could and shook his head, “just like the elitists currently planning to save our investments. That’s not putting your country first.”
Governor Palin added the jibe, “Wall Street needs to understand like we do the understanding we have. It’s true, and we have specifics.”
Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.
Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.
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