Sunday, December 14, 2008

Miami Beach Forecast: Steamy with a 70% Chance of Sexual Innuendo

Miami, FLORIDA—At the start of the winter vacation frenzy, it appears the nation’s warm weather capital is complying with above-normal temperatures and high chances of comparisons to sexual activity.

“Takes your breath away,” said Jeff Berradelli, chief meteorologist for WFOR, Miami’s CBS affiliate. “Expect steamy beach action, and hot and heavy all weekend long.”

Herb McIntosh, Florida forecast specialist for the Weather Channel, agreed, gauging it “much more likely than not that a sexual innuendo will be made by Saturday afternoon, just in time for tourists to deplane and strip down for the fun.”

Not everyone was optimist for the sexually suggestive weather, however. Steve Mencheimer, of WLRN, Miami’s NPR station, suggested that all the hot weather talk of was “a little premature.” In his blog, Sunny Daze, Mencheimer advised that, while it’s possible to see some really steamy beach weather in time for the tourist rush, “I wouldn’t be surprised if the day droops and dumps some cold water on everyone’s party.”

Miami’s Cubano forecasters were much more optimistic. Reported El Cid, on-air weather personality for WXDJ El Nuevo Zol, “Ayyyyyyyyyy! Que rico esto sol en mis pantalones!”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more breaking weather stories.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Report: Someday Something Will Probably Sting You

Atlanta, GEORGIA—In a report issued today by the Centers for Disease Control, the nation’s top pain and suffering experts confirmed that somewhere, somehow, something will probably sting you before you die.

The report, widely expected yet still shocking, painted a stark picture of a sting-prone culture fundamentally lacking in sting awarenes. While the report gauged it “about 60% likely you will be stung, depending on where you live and how active you are,” more alarming is the breadth of stinging things included in the report’s findings.

“Everyone knows about bees, wasps, and jellyfish,” said Dr. J. Harlan Levy, chief stingentologist for Bnai Israel Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland, and co-author of the report. “And odds are, one of them will sting you.”

But, Dr. Levy cautioned, few of us are aware of the high prevalence in our lives of entities with equally painful stinging potential. Jalapenos, for instance. According the Dr. Levy, “you cut them up for a salsa and then go and take your contacts out, and bam—that stings like a sonofabitch.”

Among the report’s other lesser-known stinging entities are:

• Ants

• Electric eels

• Ground balls

• Curt emails

• Parental belts

• Fraternity paddles

• Nettles

• Sea nettles

• Undercover FBI agents

• Theater critics

• Forgetting your safe word

• Spilled hydrochloric acid for some reason

• Little icy bits in the wind

• Your conscience

• Band-Aid removals

• Unfortunate lemon juice

• Nurses

• Belief in the Cubs

“We should all be on guard against each of these hazardous annoyances,” Dr. Levy urged. “Unless you want to get stung. Which you probably will.” The report points to disproportional risk for minority groups, as well, such as African Americans and police mace, or Mexicans and rubber bullets.

Vigilance is key, agreed CDC Spokesperson Von Roebuck said. To illustrate his point, Roebuck offered a frightening scenario: “You’re sitting in an airport watching CNN while you wait to board a plane, and suddenly, out of nowhere and without any real reason at all, Anderson Cooper interviews Sting. Why would CNN do such a thing? What possible relevance or usefulness could there be for it? We don’t know, but there you have it. You’re stung.”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Opinion: I Scream You

Your House, YOUR STATE—Okay, listen up. Here’s how this thing’s going to go down. I scream you. I scream you awake. I scream you pick me up. I scream you hold me. I scream you put me down.

PICK ME UP PICK ME UP PICK ME UP! What were you thinking? Remind me to scream you about that later.

I scream you no apparent reason. You’d like a reason, wouldn’t you? Well there is none. But I scream you anyway.

I scream you my binky. I scream you put it in my mouth. There, was that so hard.

Ope, binky fell out. Did you see the GODDAM BINKY FELL OUT? What kind of parent are you? Can’t keep a binky in a baby’s mouth.


You need to do something here. I won’t even tell you what it is. Fucking do it! Do this thing now! This mystery thing must be done NOWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Hold on, I need to breathe.

Okay, now, now, NOW WHERE WAS I? Oh yes, screaming you.

Did you check my diaper? You should check it. Don’t sniff it. CHECK IT! CHECK MY DIAPER! But that’s not the problem. Oh no. You have no fucking idea what the problem is. I scream you now. I SCREAM YOU TO DO SOMETHING!

Make your head hurt? Raise your blood pressure? I screamed both them.

I don’t want to eat. I scream you to TAKE THIS NIPPLE AWAY! I scream you. I totally scream you right now to take this nipple away.

I scream you deadly diseases. I scream you colic and croup and acid reflux. I scream you lazy eye and I scream you to the ER. I scream you fever and reactions to the vaccinations you gave me, for which I also screamed you.

Okay, I was hungry after all. Now I want to sleep. Yes, I will sleep. Why don’t you trust me? Put me down in the bassinet. There, I’ll just lay here. Now, now guess what.

I SCREAM YOU GET ME OUT OF THIS BASSINET! Did you hear that through the monitor? Did you hear me scream you?

I scream you all night, if I have to. I scream you to the whiskey bottle. I scream your neighbors to child social services.

And then there’s tomorrow. Oh yes, I scream you tomorrow too.

Stay tuned for more Newsmakers Speak commentaries.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.