Thursday, September 25, 2008

Bicyclist Thrown Under Bus

Dallas, TEXAS—In a move some in the tight-knit cycling community here are calling treacherous and selfish, area bicyclist Todd Schramm, 26, was thrown under the bus this morning. The incident occurred downtown, the bus in question a Dallas Area Rapid Transit local, the 39. Schramm, shown at left on his way to the meeting where the throwing-under would occur, was too in shock to comment.

However, witnesses on the scene recognized the treachery for what it was. According to Ed Phelps, 52, an IT professional, “I’ve seen it happen a million times. You think everything’s going smoothly and everyone’s on the same page, then bam—your face is crunched under half a ton of public transit.”

Witness Carla Thomas, 32, a marketing supervisor, agreed. “I feel for the guy,” Thomas said. “Just yesterday on a conference call my boss blamed me for budget numbers he authorized last month. ‘Carla’s going to have to take another look on our end,’ was what he said. What a dick. I can still taste the tire treads on that one.”

Investigators are unsure who exactly threw Schramm under the bus, but initial post-mortem reports seem indicate motorist Marcy Terrin, 42, a landscaper. “I did what I had to do to get where I needed to go,” said Terrin. “The bank.” She declined further comment.

Bike messenger Marcus Finney, 27, regularly waved to Schramm and announced that cars, pedestrians, and cyclists are supposed to work together “to make this downtown scene as copasetic as possible. We shouldn’t be playing these head games. Doesn’t anyone understand loyalty anymore, or checking their rearview mirror?”

Schramm, still clinging to his Bianci fixed-gear as well as a crooked no parking sign that the bus pushed him into and on top of, was unavailable for comment.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Bush Offers Faith-Based Financial Recovery Package

Washington, DC—President Bush addressed a nervous nation last night, seeking to placate and alleviate rising concern about the economic crisis gripping the entire world. With 78% of the country now “worried” or “terribly worried” about the economic crisis, stemming from bad mortgage investments on the part of some formerly rock-solid companies now facing insolvency, the President outlined a bold, innovative faith-based recovery package.

“Our administration knows what to do,” Bush told the nation. “And we’re gonna do it. We are totally gonna do it. We just need Congress to give us the old go-ahead, and we will get right on it. Have faith, and pray your guts out,” he added.

Praising both his less-than-a-year-on-the-job Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson as well as widely acclaimed Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke—shown above transitioning the plan into action—President Bush sought both to calm nervous investors and project a sense of authority in the face of rising bipartisan criticism of his response to the crisis.

“We will do the right thing here,” the President said. “It’s all in our plan. At least, if you believe hard enough, it is.”

The President stopped short of calling critics of his plan “unbelievers” and “unpatriotic Obama supporters,” but he did strenuously endorse faith-based initiatives like those his government has hailed as the answer to everything from alleviating poverty to reconstructing Iraq. “God-willing, so sayeth the Lord.”

Some Democratic lawmakers were incredulous at what they called yet another power grab by an administration that has already expanded executive powers farther than any other president in history. “You’re telling me, with $700 billion on the line,” railed Vermont congressman Bernie Sanders, “we’re just supposed to accept whatever piece of paper the administration sends over because we’re so scared of causing another Great Depression, even though there’s no specifics at all and Henry Paulson’s decisions would be ‘not reviewable.’?”

“That’s exactly right,” said Mr. Bush. “That, and pray like hell.”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking crisis.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Midwife Also Performs Comedy, Magic

Sausalito, CALIFORNIA—In a press release and news conference today, area midwife Carol Lafontaine announced that in addition to births she would be performing comedy and magic. The announcement, sure to send shockwaves through the birthing and entertainment communities, would make Lafontaine, 34, a self-described “triple threat of obstetrics.”

Even while outlining her new business plan, the longtime midwife and mother of two was careful to reassure her current clients that her new career vectors wouldn’t impinge on their labor experiences. “We’re not talking comedy, magic, and birth at the same time,” Lafontaine said. “No, I plan on serving clients first for weddings, then for births, and finally confirmations or bat mitzvahs. It’s a longterm vision.”

Lafontaine added that she didn’t mean to suggest there wasn’t anything funny or magical about birth. “I mean, you’re talking to a woman who sends every other man she meets into a midwife crisis.”

But seriously, she went on, she would never violate the trust between birth mother and midwife, which has been forged over thousands of years of practice, by pointing out that it shouldn’t be called labor because the midwife’s the only one who gets paid, or that if the husband had really wanted to avoid massive surgical intervention he shouldn’t have parked in the hospital ramp’s C Section. No, comedy was off limits, Lafontaine said, unless mom asks for nubain after she’s already entered transition, because the look on her face when you tell her it’s too late for that is "laugh-out-loud me."

“And I’d never comment on mom's hair,” Lafontaine clarified, “but what is up with that anyway, Medusa? Forget milk...Got Comb?”

Lafontaine also said clients could rest assured she would never use her magic skills to make a baby disappear, except with baby volunteers during her actual magic performances every other weekend at the Bay Area Sheraton. “No, during your birth experience and the precious months afterward, the only thing I will make disappear for pregnant parents is discomfort and anxiety. And also your sex lives.”

“Pick a card,” she added.

When a bystander agreed to pick a card, wrote his name and favorite food on the card, and then put it back into the deck, Lafontaine brought the entire press conference up to the maternity ward of Beth Shalom Hospital, where after some fanfare she retrieved the man’s card from the vagina of a client eight centimeters dilated. “But wait,” Lafontaine added, “there are three more cards up there—my business cards!”

To much applause and predictions of a strong career, Lafontaine announced “Thank you lady and gentleman—I’ll be here all night.”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Wooing Independents, Obama Employs Stupidity Goggles

Grand Rapids, MICHIGAN—Struggling to understand and counter the inexplicable surge in momentum from rival John McCain, Senator Barack Obama’s presidential campaign has begun reaching out to independent voters who will almost certainly decide the November election. Obama’s challenge, political analysts agree, is to get into the mindset of these voters and truly connect with them.

It’s a daunting task when one considers this voting block’s belief that, among other things, Sarah Palin is awesome and just a regular down-home gal qualified to be a heartbeat away from the presidency, John McCain wants to change Washington and stand up for the little guy, helping poor people through community organizing is stupid, teaching creationism in school is probably a good idea, anyone who’s smart and reads stuff is an elitist, drilling for offshore oil is the best way to bring down gas prices, global warming is a hoax and polar bears can swim anyway, government regulation is worse than Hitler unless you can go back in time and regulate the reasons why we are now on the hook for $700 billion to bail out corporate gamblers, and Osama Bin Laden is lurking in Obama’s underwear.

That’s where the stupidity goggles come in. The goggles, recently greenlit by Obama’s R&D department for Beta mode, decode the million-plus indicators of stupidity, digitalize them, then translate them into visual expressions that people of actual intelligence can respond to.

“It’s like an interactive English-Spanish dictionary,” said head Obama scientist Dr. Ralph Strandberg. “Except instead of Spanish, it’s idiots. Call it ‘Dummies for Dummies.’”

The turn to technology is nothing new for the Obama camp, according to spokesman Bill Burton. “We have been a technologically adept campaign from day one, whether for fundraising, reaching the youth vote, organizing door knockers, ordering pizza, whatever.” Burton added, “We’ll handle stupidity the same way.”

Obama scientists caution that the goggles only help interpret stupidity, not understand. “No one can ‘understand’ a person believing that God literally made the earth about 5,000 years ago and then planted dinosaur bones for us to find and gave us technology to make us believe those bones are millions of years old,” said Strandberg. “All you can do facilitate communication.”

The tactic seems to be working, if a recent campaign stop here in Michigan’s core undecided territory is any example. Meeting voters in a cafĂ©, Senator Obama responded to a question about the need to stay the course in Iraq thusly: “Your economic insecurity here in unemployment-crippled Grand Rapids leads you to seek stability and fortitude wherever you can find it.” Obama then shook the questioner’s hand and added, “I will show that fortitude by going to get Osama Bin Laden and giving you a job making solar panels. And not stealing your wallet,” the senator added with a wink.

Asked later what he thought of Mr. Obama, the questioner, Ted Avers, a 46-year-old truck driver, replied, “He gets me.”

Obama, in a candid moment back at his hotel room, waxed enthusiastic about the technology. “I had no idea,” the candidate said. “I feel so empowered. And it’s not just working-class folks. I’ve used these babies in to raise money in Hollywood, chat with bloggers, fire up the foot soldiers in San Francisco…with Wolf Blitzer—they’re incredible.”

When a staffer added that politicians might be the best target for the new technology, Obama agreed.

“Can you imagine meeting with [Oklahoma Republican Senator Tom] Colburn with these on? It’d be like going to primate cage with a team of zoologists.”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Dog Blogs About Life, Rectal State

Longmont, COLORADO—The communications craze has officially hit the pet world, with the internet savvy among us establishing blogs for their dogs, cats, and even parakeets. One blog, for a dog-blogger known only as “Nibbles,” promises to keep the world abreast of his “life, thoughts, opinions, epiphanies, and rectal condition—24/7.”

An excerpt from a Nibbles post alerts readers that “I am feeling great today, outside doing the walk thing. Fur feels good, just got some baguette a while ago. Rectum is dilated to 1.4 centimeters.”

Why the world would want to know about such things is hard to comprehend, but Nibbles’s entries shed light on a complex web of messages sent and received via what pets are calling the “blockosphere.” Previous Nibbles posts, for instance, respond to other “blockers,” such as the March 21 rant: “Shouts out to Bailey…you smell a little dehydrated, my man. Also, my rectum is tight as a drum, but a little itchy. Pass it on.”

The cultural repercussions of pet blogging remain unclear: will it surge into the mainstream, or fade like the potbelly-pig fetish and other pet-related fads? One thing is clear, however, here and across the nation: pets are weighing in en masse.

According to Nibbles’s August 10 posting, for instance, “This is great. Fucking great! Saw a squirrel! This is awesome. Right over there, he ran up a tree and there he goes, little shit. Oh, and I need some grass, chewy grass. My rectum is ready to rock, anal sacs recently expressed. I love hot dogs!”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Financial Sector Stabilized by Elitists, Bureaucrats

Washington, DC—In a move that will effectively federalize billions of dollars worth of illiquid private sector assets, President Bush today endorsed a league of elitist politicians and anticapitalist bureaucrats to plan a massive stabilization of the country’s financial markets.

The politicians and bureaucrats, shown at left being smart and coming together to fix what some are calling the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression, have developed a plan that will straitjacket the private sector with stifling and burdensome regulation, thereby saving us from financial doom by insuring average investors’ mutual fund investments and relieving ailing financial giants of the crushing subprime mortgage debt that has the entire financial sector teetering on disaster .

President Bush, in a terse Rose Garden statement, said the move will also “put latte-drinking politicians in charge of money better spent by regular Joe and Jane Six Stocks like you and me.” Which will save everything, the President added.

The President’s plan will be sent to congress next week for legislative action, and is sure to be approved. Senator Chris Dodd and Representative Barney Frank, both chairs of their respective banking and finance committees as well as communist regulatory zealots who hate business and want to strangle it and everything else with “laws” and “rules,” assured the nation that congressional action on the plan will be swift.

The plan authorizes a bunch of egg-headed, out of touch, high-minded ivy-league types to decide what’s best for the rest of us, and get us out of the mess Wall Street has created for itself by gambling on complex mortgage investments and paying for them with cash borrowed from itself. “Real East Coast types,” said Mr. Bush, “wouldn’t know a branding iron from a crow bar…gonna get in there and save the day, so don’t worry.”

The plan is having a big impact on the campaign trail. Senator John McCain, speaking to a rally in Green Bay, Wisconsin, called the move “Overregulation and burdensome top-down planning by a junta of Ivy Leaguers using your tax dollars to hog-tie the private sector businesspeople who are the engines of America’s economy” and who screwed that economy up. Mr. McCain then went on to praise the fundamentals of the economy, which he called “strong” and also “in the worst crisis since I was in Hanoi Hilton,” and to say that “if those pencil-pushing pinheads in the government don’t like it, well they can talk to the Maverick—after they’re done making everything better again.”

“Me too,” added his running mate, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. “You bet yer dressed moose we will.”

On the Democratic side, Senator Barack Obama said the moves were necessary to respond to a crisis of potentially catastrophic proportions, one made possible by eight years of Bush Administration lack of oversight and cozy, incestuous relationships between regulators and Wall Street. “It’s going to take some clear, smart thinking by our nation’s best to get us out of this mess,” he added.

Senator McCain was quick to pounce on this gaffe, using a packed campaign stop in Blaine, Minnesota, to mock Senator Obama’s comments as “elitist and out of touch.” Asking the flag-waiving crowd, “can you believe this guy?” McCain called Obama “one of them smart types, ‘understands’ things and has a ‘plan’ to ‘save’ your investments.” Mr. McCain here raised his arm as high as he could and shook his head, “just like the elitists currently planning to save our investments. That’s not putting your country first.”

Governor Palin added the jibe, “Wall Street needs to understand like we do the understanding we have. It’s true, and we have specifics.”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Area Parents Endure Initial 18 Hours of Pain and Suffering

Des Moines, IOWA—Area woman Jenelle Farquardt experienced the joy of childbirth today, using her months of instruction in natural labor and prenatal yoga for a medication-free labor and delivery. The achievement, resulting in the 9 pound, 4 ounce newborn Carla Samantha, was described by witnesses and Farquardt alike as 18 hours of pure torture.

“The first 18 at least,” said beaming new dad Ted Farquardt, who suffered mightily at bedside, helping make sleep-deprived medical decisions affecting his wife and baby, as well as helplessly watching his wife struggle, weep, and holler.

Child psychologists debate whether the experience of parenting qualifies as torture or mere heartache. What is agreed is that as the child grows and matures, she continues to inspire unimaginable joy and intense love in her parents, only to let them down in equally unimaginable ways.

The Farquardts’ resolve remained steely in the face of this inevitable, universal truth, however, according to witnesses on the scene. “We’re survivors,” said Jenelle. “We’ll get through this.”

Neonatal nurse Paulette Wilson initially praised the Farquardts’ constitutional diet for pain and heartache. But later she was seen shaking her head with the other nurses. “They have no idea,” the 52-year-old mother of two said. “My boy’s a motocross rider in Idaho. And Teresa just gave birth—no idea where the dad is.”

Whether mediocre grades in school, a succession of substandard love interests, or achieving a paltry 5th percentile of infant cranial circumference, experts and veteran parents agree that the landscape of parental pain and suffering knows no bounds. Dr. Peter Engrave, filial-suffering expert with the Stanford Pain and Parenting Institute, points to the high standards parents impose on their children: “Sports, appearance, fashion trends, consumer demands, career choice and achievement, religion, not becoming a dentist like dad—all are areas fraught with parental pain.”

Also, Dr. Engrave added, “a lot of times the kids just plain old suck.”

As for a remedy, Dr. Engrave and his colleagues recommend going back in time and reconsidering the decision to become parents.

Ted Farquardt shrugged off such assessments. “I have so much love for Carla Samantha,” he said in a statement prepared months ago for the press, “that she’ll never call me doo doo daddy or move to Australia or join a troupe of bellydancers from San Francisco or score below 30 on the ACT or crash the car into a disabled person’s wheelchair or default on cosigned student loans or become a born again Christian or [exhaustive list edited]. And if she does any of that stuff, we will just love so much harder, she’ll have to change.”

As of press time, Farquardt had not amended his statement. “Too late,” he said.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Wicked Galveston Provokes God's Wrath

Galveston (what is left of it), TEXAS—Residents of this Gulfside tourist town are fearing the worst today after Hurricane Ike delivered a mighty blow to their wicked, wicked lives. In one of the largest theo-meteorological events ever recorded, Hurricane Ike caused building collapses, home loss, widespread flooding, power outages, and—with a Homeland Security prediction of “certain death” for those who remained on the island in violation of the mandatory evacuation order—a casualty  toll all but certain to rise over coming days. Galvestonians, shown at left with their depravity being literally halted in its tracks, experienced the punishment with awe, dismay, and remorse.

“We never heeded any almighty warnings about our cruise industry, our port, our oil rig heritage, or even our allowing the Moody National Bank to headquarter here,” said Mayor Lyda Ann Thomas. “Big mistake.”

God apparently agreed, sending 110 mile winds and a storm surge that easily topped the famous 17-foot Galveston Seawall. Flooding, mayhem, destruction, and comeuppance ensued.

With the 300-mile wide storm centering its eye, and God’s eye, directly over Galveston at about 4:00 A.M., it was clear the city was being singled out for its wickedness. Without any comment from God, however, the nation was left to wonder which wickednesses God was angriest at most. Among the contenders are white people, who are a majority on the island; burned children, who are treated at the Shriners Hospital in downtown Galveston; Victorian architecture, of which the city is rich in history; Republican Senators, since Kay Bailey Hutchinson was born there; or cruises, as Galveston is the top Gulf Coast cruise destination port.

It was also a possibility that—with Galveston named one of the top five hurricane-vulnerable cities in America by the Associated Press—God simply hates lack of preparation on the federal government’s part.

Among the other hated, punished populations in the world this week, as determined by acts of God and/or human error, are Moscow airline passengers, Los Angeles bus passengers, and Chinese mud-slide getters-in-the-wayers, of whom God chose 254 to send to hell for presumed muddy depravity and unclean wickedness.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Fannie and Fweddie, the Twue Stowy

Editor’s Note: As Mr. Crumbs has not been made available for further comment by his corporate and/or Bush Administration handlers, Newsmaker News is proud to bring the following verbatim transcript of his recent testimony before the Senate Banking Committee regarding the government takeover of mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.


Mr. Crumbs: Oh well, we twied. [blows horn] But it was good to get all those Amewicans into homes, wight? Of course it was!

Chairman Dodd: I think you are overlooking a major financial crisis here. Fannie and Freddie are the only entities shoring up the industry now, and they have really screwed it up so bad, the government has had to take them over.

Mr. Crumbs: I agwee! But the pwoblem here is not my haircut. It's the overwegulation! If Fweddie were wun more like a corpowation and less like a socialist experiment for Twotskyites, we’d be smoking cigars as we speak. [wiggles nose] Speaking of… [lights cigar. cigar blows up in face.]

[laughter from senators]

Mr. Crumbs: Oh well. See, we twied our hardest. It just didn't work. Now it's time to say we're sowwy. 

Chairman Dodd: Mr. Crumbs—

Mr. Crumbs: Please, call me Cwacker.

Chairman Dodd: Mr. Crumbs—

Mr. Crumbs: How about Cwumpitty? Can we agwee to call me Cwumpitty? Can we also agwee that an adjustable wate mortgate is just the thing you need to get into a nice condo, maybe in Arlington, where the taxes are low?

Chairman Dodd: Well, I have been looking—

[balloons and streamers drop. lights flash. Mr. Crumbs’s bow tie spins.]

Mr. Crumbs: Looking is the magic word! Evewyone should be looking.

Chairman Dodd: Everyone should be taking fiscal responsibility.

Mr. Crumbs: Fiscal wesponsibility is a wonderful thing. And another wonderful thing is a condo! You don't even need money! Because for a downpayment, we have tax payers. [to gallery] Wouldn’t you love to help Mr. Dodd get into a new condo, nice people? [blows horn]

[gallery applause]

Senator Shelby: You’re all right, Crumpitty Cracker Crumbs.

Mr. Crumbs: I twy. This is much easier than Enwon. That one was a tight wope to walk. [rises, ascends onto table, walks tight rope, falls with loud crashing sounds, possibly cymbals.]

[gallery gasps]

Chairman Dodd: Are you all right, Crumpitty?

Mr. Crumbs: I’m better than all right! I’m bailed out!

[Mr. Crumbs’s assistant wheelbarrows Mr. Crumbs out of hearing room.]

[gallery applause]

Senator Shelby: Movement to adjourn?

Chairman Dodd: Yeah, let’s do that. I got nothin’.


Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Study Confirms Nahchus-Tsorris Link

Tea Neck, NEW JERSEY—With far-ranging repercussions for Jews and Jewish culture everywhere, a new study was released today confirming a strong, “statistically significant” linkage between nahchus and tsorris. The study, commissioned by the Shpilchaus Society, followed nearly 1,000 Jewish parents, making it the most exhaustive of its kind.

While many Jews have long postulated that nahchus and tsorris—the irreducible filial emotions of pride and sorrow, respectively—stem from the same biological source, no scientific survey has ever been able to quantify the claims so pointedly. As for the linkage, Benjamin Shmeerson, head researcher for the Shpilchaus Society, put it bluntly: “It’s the kids, and also the grandkids.”

Shmeerson also acknowledged that the various factions of Jewish science would no doubt have much to say, and much to challenge, about the report. Yet, he said, “Numbers is numbers.”

The debate seems particularly contentious on the tsorris side. Purists, known to Jewish research circles as Kvetchers, argue that tsorris is generated by any number of daily ailments and sadnesses—from pogroms to lousy counter service at the Bagel Bin. To conclude that tsorris is solely biologically determined by one’s filial offspring, they argue, is “missing the entire point of Judaism and Jewish life—being able to bitch about anything and everything, no holds barred.” This according to Kvetcher spokesman Marty Finkel.

Yet their opposing theorists, known as Mishbocha-ists, argue that when it comes right down to it, Jews savor child-related tsorris so much more than everyday tsorris. “It’s like a different animal altogether,” claims Mishbocha-ist Calvin Olen. “Some of these babushkas and their kids, it’s like a fine wine to them—they’d store their tsorris in humidity controlled cellars if they could.”

Both groups agree, however, that only kids can give you nahchus. “What are you gonna, get some nahchus from your dog who goes poop like he should?” said Finkel. “Or what, a nice piece of fish? Stop it now, it’s silly.”

As for the study itself, which was juried by a panel of rabbis and also machers who think they could be rabbis with as much as they talk like they went to Talmud Torah with God himself, the key finding resides in the number of instances of tsorris and nahchus when held constant for the number of children, attitude of those children, and levels of education also of the children. “Let’s not forget how often the children go to shul and whether they do d-r-u-g-s,” added the report. “Of course, it goes without saying, we factored in the whole goy-marriage thing.”

However, as many statistics experts have pointed out, causality is another matter altogether. “Whether nahchus systematically leads to tsorris is unclear,” said Shmeerson, “though it’s hard to imagine tsorris leading to nahchus.” Asked to explain, Shmeerson pointed to one Minnesota family in the study, where the son had been caught shoplifting at age 12, and even though the son went on to be a prominent physician with a thriving practice, he was always known not for saving lives and infusing an entire community with health and wellbeing, God forbid, but for that one time his mother received a phone call from the St. Louis Park Police Department and the shame, oy the skin cancer on her forehead it was.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Rap Stars Confront Hose Overindulgence

Los Angeles—In a move widely unexpected except on chat boards and in some areas of Compton and Brooklyn, rap music’s biggest stars united today behind a movement to address the industry’s overdependence on—and some would say hoarding of—hose. A nonprofit foundation would be formed, it was announced, to both rid rap of these hose, and help save the hose themselves.

The popular genre’s self-appointed leaders, shown above at a press conference announcing the foundation, were characteristically blunt about the problem, which they admitted has been festering for years even as the rap lifestyle and most popular culture ignored it.

“There are plain and simple too many hose,” said Sean “Diddy” Combs in remarks to the media today. “Some of these hose are broken, some are skanky, and most of them are just no good. I got like three hose I can trust—and that’s the Diddy’s truth.”

Rap’s most successful hero, Jay Z, also appeared at the news conference, and unequivocally agreed. “Sometimes even I have to ask myself, why do I have so many hose? I don’t wear them. Shit, I even have white hose. Now you tell me: what’s a black-ass brother going to do with some white hose?”

Cultural critics across the nation hailed the announcement as a major step in rap’s effort to clean up its house. “Well, it’s been offensive to women for years now,” said Katherine Kersten, columnist for the Minneapolis Star-Tribune, frequent hosiery commentator, and longtime critic of rap fashion and everything else black. “We women know these rappers don’t wear their hose. Except maybe to rob convenience stores,” she added.

Surprising most observers with his candor, Diddy himself agreed. “Can’t nobody rob this many convenience stores,” he was quoted as saying by the AP. “Even if you robbed a joint a day, you’d only need like six pairs of hose. Get somebody to wash your hose,” Diddy said, “unless you telling me a brother’s afraid to wash his own hose.”

Other rappers, not present at the news conference due to scheduling conflicts, record label requirements, shoe contract restrictions, or long-standing blood feuds, lent their voices to the hose-recovery efforts. “West Coast, East Coast, H-Town brothers, from Slim Thug to B. Gizzle,” said multi-platinum record-seller Snoop Dogg, “we gotta stop collecting all these hose. It’s time to limit ourselves to like two or three hose a day. Damn, I ain’t even got any hose on now, and how you think I feel?”

Despite the unity of artists, from the trip-rap, ganster rap, party rap and even pop-rap factions, no one was predicting the hose-recovery effort would be easy, Mr. Z included. “Y’all got boxes and boxes of hose out there, and the Salvation Army won’t take them so don’t even try. But it’s important to send a message to the kids.”

Here Mr. Z trained his considerable charm on the cameras, knowing in his media-savvy way that all the rap world was watching. “Kids, enough is enough. I know it’s hard, cuz Jay Z’s been there. Sometimes these hose come right up to your door and start swimming in your pool and curling up in your various beds, and you’re thinking, ‘Damn, this is great, I got all these hose.’

“But let me tell you young brothers,” Mr. Z went on, “it ain’t worth it. One day you find some hose in your wallet. And these hose are nasty—so don’t be dippin, not even your big toe, in these broke ass hose.”

Mr. Diddy added, clearly moved, added, “Amen yo.”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Friday, September 5, 2008

GOP Convention Highlights

St. Paul, MINNESOTA—On this last day of the Republican National Convention, amidst the ebbing celebration and reinvigorated party faithful, Newsmaker News brings you a few of the week’s highlights. 

Heightened safety: thanks to heart-detection devices, the convention was free of the fear that it would be infiltrated by people with hearts.

American hats: in deference to the suffering on the Gulf Coast, delegates wore their American hats first, their Republican hats second, and their ass hats when out on the town.

Gulf Coast care packages: delegates volunteered to package relief items for Gustav victims, including bottled water, prayers, tax breaks, and bootstraps.

Sarah Palin’s son-in-law-to-be: GOP leadership cleaned up Levi Johnston, put a blazer on him, and made it perfectly clear that there was no way in hell the kid would ever be seceding from this particular union.

Economic distress addressed: concrete strategies for dealing with American’s economic anxieties were addressed, taped up, and mailed COD to “Whinyville, USA.”

Mike Huckabee rocks: enjoying some nightlife at a Minneapolis bar, Governor Huckabee joined the band to sing “Born to Be Wild” then proceeded to actually fire all his guns at once, injuring seven people.

Hookers and Blow concert: the Minneapolis party-music institution had its largest crowd ever, thanks to throngs of delegates unaware it was just the band's name.

Protesters: urine-throwing Anarchists upstaged an otherwise pointless protest.

Sarah Palin’s feisty acceptance speech: Governor Palin hit a home run, even her critics agreed, by getting downright nasty in every male delegate’s mind for the entire length of her speech and again later that night in hotel rooms across the Twin Cities.

Joe Lieberman praises McCain: the independent Democrat defied his party by addressing the largest collection of goyim outside Idaho.

Rage Against the Machine: never happened.

Michelle Bachman: the 3rd District Minnesota Congresswoman gave the speech of her life, defending McCain running mate Sarah Palin with a rousing refrain of “I’d tap that.”

Awww: an old man told some stories.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for no more convention coverage.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

RNC Update: GOP Energy Plan Unveiled

St. Paul, MINNESOTA—With global warming increasingly threatening and energy prices on the rise, Republicans today unveiled a new energy plan that they believe will guide American into the future. Here’s a breakdown of the plan's components:

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Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

RNC Update: Undelegates’ Heads Must Be Fully Severed

St. Paul, MINNESOTA—In what many here are calling the "night of the living word," local Minnesotans are reeling from monotonous, persistent, and droning attacks from RNC undelegates. The advice from local law enforcement officials, however, was clear and consistent: remain calm, reason with the undelegate, and completely sever their heads from their bodies. “It’s the only way to stop them,” said a shaken police chief, John Harrington. “For the love of God, cut cleanly and completely.”

Even if you are asked for brains, or directions to Mickey’s Diner or even Casetta’s, “don’t do it, it’s a trick!” said Harrington, whilst barricaded behind his desk as a throng of undelegates swamped his office demanding in their relentless way to know where the Mary Tyler Moore statue was, how awesome and down-t0-earth Sarah Palin is, and also where Tim Pawlenty is buried.

“Brains!” one undelegate said, on condition of anonymity for fear of offending his fellow undelegates. “Mall of America! Eat moose abortion!”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for...oh my god, they're here, breaking in the windows, with their dead eyes and unborn specters! Run! Run St. Paul, run!

Copyright 2008 Newsmaker News.

GOP Vows Gulf Coast Solidarity for Next Day or So

St. Paul, MINNESOTA—In the midst of a difficult election season and apprehension over John McCain’s vice-presidential pick, delegates here at the Republican National Convention took time to reassure Gulf Coast hurricane victims that the GOP is doing everything it can for them over the next couple of days.

“We stand with the people of Louisiana, Texas, and Mississippi in their darkest hour,” party chair Ken Mehlman said in a statement, “or until Friday morning, whichever comes first.”

Promising care packages, fundraisers, even the waiving of convention fees so delegates can donate them to hurricane relief, the GOP stood united in their commitment to help the suffering Gustav victims through Thursday night’s acceptance speech by presumptive nominee John McCain.

Steve Pastor, a delegate from Akron, Ohio, echoed his party’s general sentiment when he said, “If you are a victim of Gustav, through the end of this week we will never forget you or let you down.” Pastor added that “we are the party of caring and quick, sure-handed action while gathered here in St. Paul.”

With buttons distributed saying “We Care Sept 1 – 4,” and with a general aura of decorum and sensitivity throughout the convention, Republicans seemed intent on unifying around a central message of response and caring within two days’ time.

Delegate Karen Kellster of Salina, Texas, was adamant that “No way are we [Republicans] going to be seen partying and whooping it up while Gulf Coast Americans are suffering.” She reiterated that until Friday, this suffering has no place in the GOP. “We really have to show our softer, more responsive caring side within the 3-day limit.”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.