Sausalito, CALIFORNIA—In a press release and news conference today, area midwife Carol Lafontaine announced that in addition to births she would be performing comedy and magic. The announcement, sure to send shockwaves through the birthing and entertainment communities, would make Lafontaine, 34, a self-described “triple threat of obstetrics.”
Even while outlining her new business plan, the longtime midwife and mother of two was careful to reassure her current clients that her new career vectors wouldn’t impinge on their labor experiences. “We’re not talking comedy, magic, and birth at the same time,” Lafontaine said. “No, I plan on serving clients first for weddings, then for births, and finally confirmations or bat mitzvahs. It’s a longterm vision.”
Lafontaine added that she didn’t mean to suggest there wasn’t anything funny or magical about birth. “I mean, you’re talking to a woman who sends every other man she meets into a midwife crisis.”
But seriously, she went on, she would never violate the trust between birth mother and midwife, which has been forged over thousands of years of practice, by pointing out that it shouldn’t be called labor because the midwife’s the only one who gets paid, or that if the husband had really wanted to avoid massive surgical intervention he shouldn’t have parked in the hospital ramp’s C Section. No, comedy was off limits, Lafontaine said, unless mom asks for nubain after she’s already entered transition, because the look on her face when you tell her it’s too late for that is "laugh-out-loud funny...like me."
“And I’d never comment on mom's hair,” Lafontaine clarified, “but what is up with that anyway, Medusa? Forget milk...Got Comb?”
Lafontaine also said clients could rest assured she would never use her magic skills to make a baby disappear, except with baby volunteers during her actual magic performances every other weekend at the Bay Area Sheraton. “No, during your birth experience and the precious months afterward, the only thing I will make disappear for pregnant parents is discomfort and anxiety. And also your sex lives.”
“Pick a card,” she added.
When a bystander agreed to pick a card, wrote his name and favorite food on the card, and then put it back into the deck, Lafontaine brought the entire press conference up to the maternity ward of Beth Shalom Hospital, where after some fanfare she retrieved the man’s card from the vagina of a client eight centimeters dilated. “But wait,” Lafontaine added, “there are three more cards up there—my business cards!”
To much applause and predictions of a strong career, Lafontaine announced “Thank you lady and gentleman—I’ll be here all night.”
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