Sunday, December 14, 2008

Miami Beach Forecast: Steamy with a 70% Chance of Sexual Innuendo

Miami, FLORIDA—At the start of the winter vacation frenzy, it appears the nation’s warm weather capital is complying with above-normal temperatures and high chances of comparisons to sexual activity.

“Takes your breath away,” said Jeff Berradelli, chief meteorologist for WFOR, Miami’s CBS affiliate. “Expect steamy beach action, and hot and heavy all weekend long.”

Herb McIntosh, Florida forecast specialist for the Weather Channel, agreed, gauging it “much more likely than not that a sexual innuendo will be made by Saturday afternoon, just in time for tourists to deplane and strip down for the fun.”

Not everyone was optimist for the sexually suggestive weather, however. Steve Mencheimer, of WLRN, Miami’s NPR station, suggested that all the hot weather talk of was “a little premature.” In his blog, Sunny Daze, Mencheimer advised that, while it’s possible to see some really steamy beach weather in time for the tourist rush, “I wouldn’t be surprised if the day droops and dumps some cold water on everyone’s party.”

Miami’s Cubano forecasters were much more optimistic. Reported El Cid, on-air weather personality for WXDJ El Nuevo Zol, “Ayyyyyyyyyy! Que rico esto sol en mis pantalones!”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more breaking weather stories.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Report: Someday Something Will Probably Sting You

Atlanta, GEORGIA—In a report issued today by the Centers for Disease Control, the nation’s top pain and suffering experts confirmed that somewhere, somehow, something will probably sting you before you die.

The report, widely expected yet still shocking, painted a stark picture of a sting-prone culture fundamentally lacking in sting awarenes. While the report gauged it “about 60% likely you will be stung, depending on where you live and how active you are,” more alarming is the breadth of stinging things included in the report’s findings.

“Everyone knows about bees, wasps, and jellyfish,” said Dr. J. Harlan Levy, chief stingentologist for Bnai Israel Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland, and co-author of the report. “And odds are, one of them will sting you.”

But, Dr. Levy cautioned, few of us are aware of the high prevalence in our lives of entities with equally painful stinging potential. Jalapenos, for instance. According the Dr. Levy, “you cut them up for a salsa and then go and take your contacts out, and bam—that stings like a sonofabitch.”

Among the report’s other lesser-known stinging entities are:

• Ants

• Electric eels

• Ground balls

• Curt emails

• Parental belts

• Fraternity paddles

• Nettles

• Sea nettles

• Undercover FBI agents

• Theater critics

• Forgetting your safe word

• Spilled hydrochloric acid for some reason

• Little icy bits in the wind

• Your conscience

• Band-Aid removals

• Unfortunate lemon juice

• Nurses

• Belief in the Cubs

“We should all be on guard against each of these hazardous annoyances,” Dr. Levy urged. “Unless you want to get stung. Which you probably will.” The report points to disproportional risk for minority groups, as well, such as African Americans and police mace, or Mexicans and rubber bullets.

Vigilance is key, agreed CDC Spokesperson Von Roebuck said. To illustrate his point, Roebuck offered a frightening scenario: “You’re sitting in an airport watching CNN while you wait to board a plane, and suddenly, out of nowhere and without any real reason at all, Anderson Cooper interviews Sting. Why would CNN do such a thing? What possible relevance or usefulness could there be for it? We don’t know, but there you have it. You’re stung.”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Opinion: I Scream You

Your House, YOUR STATE—Okay, listen up. Here’s how this thing’s going to go down. I scream you. I scream you awake. I scream you pick me up. I scream you hold me. I scream you put me down.

PICK ME UP PICK ME UP PICK ME UP! What were you thinking? Remind me to scream you about that later.

I scream you no apparent reason. You’d like a reason, wouldn’t you? Well there is none. But I scream you anyway.

I scream you my binky. I scream you put it in my mouth. There, was that so hard.

Ope, binky fell out. Did you see the GODDAM BINKY FELL OUT? What kind of parent are you? Can’t keep a binky in a baby’s mouth.


You need to do something here. I won’t even tell you what it is. Fucking do it! Do this thing now! This mystery thing must be done NOWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Hold on, I need to breathe.

Okay, now, now, NOW WHERE WAS I? Oh yes, screaming you.

Did you check my diaper? You should check it. Don’t sniff it. CHECK IT! CHECK MY DIAPER! But that’s not the problem. Oh no. You have no fucking idea what the problem is. I scream you now. I SCREAM YOU TO DO SOMETHING!

Make your head hurt? Raise your blood pressure? I screamed both them.

I don’t want to eat. I scream you to TAKE THIS NIPPLE AWAY! I scream you. I totally scream you right now to take this nipple away.

I scream you deadly diseases. I scream you colic and croup and acid reflux. I scream you lazy eye and I scream you to the ER. I scream you fever and reactions to the vaccinations you gave me, for which I also screamed you.

Okay, I was hungry after all. Now I want to sleep. Yes, I will sleep. Why don’t you trust me? Put me down in the bassinet. There, I’ll just lay here. Now, now guess what.

I SCREAM YOU GET ME OUT OF THIS BASSINET! Did you hear that through the monitor? Did you hear me scream you?

I scream you all night, if I have to. I scream you to the whiskey bottle. I scream your neighbors to child social services.

And then there’s tomorrow. Oh yes, I scream you tomorrow too.

Stay tuned for more Newsmakers Speak commentaries.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Area Freelance Copywriter Passionate About Branding, Check Cashing

Chicago, ILLINOIS—It was reported today that local freelance Chad Ferrier, 32, was gaining both acclaim and notoriety at advertising agencies across this city for his equal passions of copywriting and check cashing. Many clients of the one-time Senior Copywriter at RR Donnelley speak of him as  both “relentless in his pursuit of excellence for your brand” and “a guy you can count on to cash your check the day he gets it in the mail.”

The attention is generating industry buzz. Yet it’s also causing Ferrier, shown at left engrossed in his work, a fair amount of distress, sources close to the advertising superstar are saying. “His home life is suffering,” said Paulette Wilson, account supervisor for Killian and Company and someone close to Ferrier. “He’s always either honing copy, or headed to the bank.”

Ferrier is known for his insightful, market-savvy, and creative approach to copywriting and as the rare find in a freelancer—one who approaches the brands he is working on with the passion of an in-house writer. “He’s never satisfied with lackluster headlines or brand-shallow content,” said fellow freelancer Marc DuPont, a designer, “and he abhors direct deposit.”

Ferrier was quoted as saying only, “It’s what I do.”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Source: Borax to Lay Off 10 Mules

Scottsdale, ARIZONA—The Dial Corporation, a subsidiary of Henkel International and producer of the beloved Twenty Mule Team Borax brand, will slice a critical division of its workforce in half, according to sources close to the company. The sources, who requested anonymity due to the sensitivity of the information, claim Dial has been devastated by a “perfect storm” of international credit woes, souring consumer confidence, and high grain prices leading to skyrocketing costs for mule feed.

Sources inside the layoff planning produced photos of the brainstorming process. One such photo, above, shows executives concepting a new version of the brand with its diminished workforce.

By the company’s own numbers, sales for the 100-year-old brand of borax detergent have been dim. But few were expecting such a sweeping corporate response. Neither Dial nor parent company Henkel North America offered comment. A hastily produced press release offered no insight, except to laud “our wonderful mules” and how Borax would never be the same without them. Cryptically, the press release noted that “our competitors on the whole have much fewer mules, some of them no mules at all.”

It was not immediately clear which mules would be let go, or if there would be a severance package. Henkel employs over 8,000 people in North America alone, at least some of them presumably wondering if they would be sharing the 10 mules’ fate.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Nation’s Poor Children Awaiting Obama Relief Trucks

Chicago, ILLINOIS—Buoyed by the presidential election, millions of poor, disadvantaged, and hungry children are growing increasingly excited about the Obama relief effort surely underway to alleviate their suffering, aid groups who work with the urban poor said today. Children here in Obama’s hometown, as well as those in urban centers across the nation, are giddy from the election of a community organizer, an African-American, and a man whose family was once on food stamps. Though they admit that the giddiness could be from lack of nutrition, experts agree that the children are abuzz with news of food, aid, and opportunity.

“I heard Obama brought oatmeal and Kit Kats to Cabrini,” said Ricky Gates, 10, referring to the Chicago public housing Cabrini Green. “And the Kit Kats had golden tickets in them for everyone to go shopping for free!” Ricky, who lives in Chicago’s Southside, inferred it was only a matter of time before Obama got to him.

Another Chicago youth, Tyrel Amanadou, 11, declared that “ain’t no way” Senator Obama would get elected president and “not get us some help up in here.” Tyrel added that he was “still scared of Thug,” referring to a pit bull chained in the basement, and that he was  sure Obama would do something about that situation too.

Marta Fairhouser, director of the Chicago food shelf First Resort, said she shares the children’s excitement. “Obama in the White House and children still going without? It’s unthinkable.” Fairhouser did acknowledge the children’s zeal might be premature. “It just might not come until inauguration day,” she said, “but the relief trucks are probably being stocked ahead of time so that on Jan 20, it’s go time.”

As for little Tyrel, he has big plans for himself that include “being president of something,” as soon as he gets himself a drug-free home, a decent place to go to school, and a bullet proof vest. “But it all begins with Obama,” he concluded, sitting in a chair where he can look out the window, where he plans to stay until the trucks arrive.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Opinion: I Could Steal Your Man for at Least Four or Five Days

Don’t give me that look bitch. All fat and like 30, and hatin on my cleavage. My cleavage ain’t the problem here. What you doin at a Gnarls Barkley show anyway? Snackin, that’s what. So take your evil eye and better walk on home, or else. Because you know I could steal your man for at least four or five days.

Probably longer.

Men be men, and they like what I got and what you don’t. Like a dental hygiene degree from Metro Tech. Oh, and also my smoking hot Bally Fitness bod and tramp stamp right above my tight little ass. Where’s your tramp stamp? Probably on your forehead, from the girly magazine your husband has to lays over your face so he can do his business on you. Fact, honey: he’s lookin at someone who look just like me. Only not skanky.

Do you know what I could do for your man? I sure as hell ain’t gonna nag him and make him call me every ten minutes about the “honey do” list. Not unless on the “honey do” list is me. I’d be on top of the list, like I’d be on top of him.

He’d come like ten times in one night. That’s why he’d be back for at least three more nights. Then I don’t want his sorry ass around anyway—I just do it to show you who’s boss here: my wrinkle free stomach and pretty blue eyes and coal black hair and my little sexy nose.

I party, too, like your man used to before he met you and got chained to the kitchen sink. I’ll do a sex on the beach shot with him—then I’d do another, and this time hold the beach.

You know he’s lookin at me too. Even if he’s holdin your hand, and pretending to listen to you blab about why you feel fat—he’s still lookin at me, like when he takes a drink or says nothin’ botherin him. There is something bothering him—his chubby down in his pants from lookin at me. And that’s how I steal him, by just being sexy, which you can’t be.

Or I might just give him a handjob in the porta-potty.

You’ll be all cryin and screaming and making a scene. You’ll throw his stuff in the yard, but who you kiddin? You’ll take him back, but you’ll be sad for the rest of your life.

Well you shouldn’t have looked at me like that.

And even when he come home after I kick his sorry ass out, it won’t ever be the same for you. You’ll be all lookin at wedding pictures and wondering, “How could he do it?” Well, I’ll know how he did it, because I’ll be there—and he’ll be doin it to me. For four or five days straight.

And ain’t nothing you can do about it.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more opinion commentary.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

McCain Camp Claims Upset Over Dewey!

Prescott, ARIZONA—In what Senator John McCain is calling the “upset of the 20th century,” his campaign is claiming victory tonight over longtime rival and former governor of New York, Thomas E. Dewey.

“We sure showed them what a comeback looks like,” said a beaming McCain in front of cheering crowd at his outdoor rally cum victory party. “In Chicago, they even printed up the newspapers putting me in the political graveyard. Not so fast!”

The upset was of monumental proportions, as no national or even state poll had McCain ahead of Dewey. It was as if the race was completely off the national media’s radar altogether.

McCain’s top campaign advisor, Steve Schmidt, was far from magnanimous in the victory. “The straight talk express does it again,” he told stunned reporters. “We got more votes than this guy, fair and square.”

In other national election news, Senator Barack Obama was well on his way to becoming the next president of the United States.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for no more breaking election coverage.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Election Eve Rally Roundup

Obama: What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

Barack Obama exuded a frontrunner’s confidence today, telling a Virginia crowd that “nowhere in history is there any event that even slightly suggests we won’t win this thing.” The Democrat then told the huge crowd of supporters, estimated at 100,000 or more, to go and vote if they could find the time but not to break their backs about it, and then to “get home and chill that champagne, cuz it’s in the bag people.”

McCain: Fine, I Don’t Want It Anyway

Republican John McCain told a Florida crowd today that if the country was going to be that way he would just go home then, and that “I was just faking all along that I even wanted it.” McCain told the seemingly stunned crowd that if they loved Obama so much why didn’t they just marry him and have six kids and live in the White House happily ever after? “Yep,” McCain wrapped up his speech, “I’m right where I want to be: angry, bitter, and headed home for a nap.”


Biden: Obama “Sho Is” the Best Candidate

Saying he has particular respect for how Obama “treated his grandmammy,” Biden praised the Illinois Senator as his “brother from another mother” and said an Obama/Biden White House would be no jive, very clean and well-spoken, and shit, dog.


Palin: Even the King of France Agrees

Republican Vice-Presidential candidate told an Ohio crowd that she had talked with the King of France, that he was really very nice, and that he agreed Obama was a socialist terrorist. “That nice king called all the way from Montreal to speak his mind,” Governor Palin said to the cheering crowd. “Kinda makes ya, you know, think a little, huh?”


Guilliani: 3 + 6 = 9, and You Know What 9 Goes With!

Former New York mayor and McCain supporter Rudy Guilliani fired up a Pennsylvania rally this morning with a strong national security message. “I was in a 7-11 today,” Guilliani said, “and boy you add 2 to that 7? With Obama in the White House? No sir.”


Hilary Clinton: There Could Still Be an Assassination

Mrs. Clinton told a Wisconsin rally she was “just saying” that some nutjob could get at Obama, and then, you know, the sound of that tragedy would be like 18,000,000 cracks in the glass ceiling crashing down. “It might even come after the election, and I could get the 3 A.M. call. Brrrrrring brrrrring.” The Senator then looked over her notes a moment, reached beneath the podium, and produced a flask. “Crown Royal anyone?”


Al Franken: It’s Not About Me or My Balls

Minnesota’s Democratic challenger, facing down a feisty incumbent Norm Coleman as well as a surprisingly strong independent Dean Barkley, said at the race’s final debate last night, “It’s about the middle class, not about why Senator Coleman’s hands are massaging my balls.” Franken, the former comedian turned political activist, added that “Homo says what?” To which Coleman replied, “What?”


Ted Stevens: Alaskans Must Unite Against Outsiders by Drinking from the Jug That’s Being Passed Around

Alaska Senator and convicted felon Ted Stevens told a passionately adoring crowd that “the signs are at hand, and outsiders are approaching in their helicopters.” The senator’s speech, broadcast over the state’s loudspeaker system, urged Alaskans to make one final act of defiance and take a big drink from the jug that that would be coming their way soon enough. “Mothers,” the Senator said, “don’t cry, don’t make it worse for your children. Be strong to that we can do this together. Uncle Ted commands you!”


Elizabeth Dole: I Put the ‘God’ in ‘Godless’

The Republican incumbent senator stepped up her criticism of challenger Kay Hagan, citing alleged backdoor meetings and money transfers between Hagan and a PAC known as Godless Americans. Dole told a small rally that “she knows where God belongs—in every headline across North Carolina, right before the word ‘less.’” Mrs. Dole said “Godless godless godless, so godless godless. Kay Hagan godless godless.”


Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more breaking election coverage.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.


Thursday, October 30, 2008

Ballot Initiative Roundup

A Crapload of Places, US—The 2008 elections have engendered a saturated media environment obsessed with the presidential election and Democrats’ chances of picking up a filibuster-proof Senate. Lost in the blizzard of coverage are some very important ballot initiatives in several states. Here are some of the sometimes surprising issues voters will be deciding across the United States on November 4.

Idaho: Second Life Initiative

Gives unborn fetuses the right to bear arms.

Supporters: Men.

Chances of passing: 100%

Sticking points: Legal scholars uncertain if fetus has subsequent right to shoot abortion doctor in self-defense.

New Jersey: Proposition Threesomething

This controversial measure asks the state to have a three-way with the waitress. Only, you know, if you’re into it.

Supporters: Those really pushing their luck.

Chances of passing: Depends on how drunk state is.

Sticking points: Waitress known to have slept with Rhode Island.

Massachusetts: Proposition 69

Prop 69 is actually a measure to fund parks and trails restoration, with particular focus on the Berkshires, but neither proponents nor detractors seem to care.

Supporters: Both partners.

Chances of passing: Pleasurably high.

Sticking points: Much debate over whether “it actually works” or if “someone ends up with an awkward angle and can’t enjoy it.”


Arkansas: Measure 2

Measure 2 would tap state monies to fund education for the next ten years at levels guaranteed to keep class sizes limited to 25 students or fewer.

Supporters: Fuckin communists.

Chances of passing: Over many, many dead bodies.

Sticking points: We just gave those kids some money five fuckin years ago, plus the principals are all fags.


Ohio: Initiative 50/50

Locally called the “Split the Difference” Initiative, this measure would once and for all clear up all controversial social issues: Gays can marry but only after a 30-day waiting period to make sure they aren’t just doing it for the sex; abortions are legal in the first trimester but the woman must spend a night in a spooky house on the same block that a sexual predator lives on (the predator must give the block notice if he's going to attack the fetus); handguns are illegal except in the defense of semiautomatic weapons; affirmative action is banned except in professional sports; and taxes can be raised but only for education, and every affected child has to say a prayer in school first, and it has to be a real prayer, not just for ice cream or a Wii or something.

Supporters: Independents.

Chances of passing: Currently 50-50.

Sticking points: What would we get mad about anymore?


Oregon: Right to Lifetime Healthcare

A progressive initiative declaring that healthcare begins at conception.

Supporters: Wacky Portland liberals.

Chances of passing: Sickly.

Sticking points: Vague language might define life as a preexisting condition.

New York City: Measure 86 or the “Third Term Abortion” Initiative

This hastily prepared measure guarantees New Yorkers the right to end an incumbency in the third term.

Supporters: Those New Yorkers not represented by City Council.

Chances of passing: Bloombergian.

Sticking points: Incumbent too small for traditional dilation and extraction procedure.


Las Vegas: Proposition OK

The “Keep Everything As It Is” initiative makes sure nothing will change at all.

Supporters: Whores, escorts, exotic dancers, casino owners, pit bosses, business guys, bachelors and/or bachelorettes, Vinnie.

Chances of passing: Currently 12-1.

Sticking points: Anywhere semen can seep to, and also casino chairs.


New Mexico: Prop 10

This isn’t actually a ballot initiative, just a prop. New Mexicans would get a nice prop to have, perhaps a potted plant or desk lamp.

Supporters: Prop dealers.

Chances of passing: Given that New Mexico has nothing better to do, pretty good.

Sticking points: Placement of prop might affect state’s feng shui, which is VERY important to state’s ability to think clearly and just, you know, feel unified or whatever.


California: Marriage Proposition

Called the “Carla Please” initiative, this measure confirms the intentions of Carla Borghoff and Michael “Mikey” Chandler to get married.

Supporter: Mikey and the 15,000 people he tricked into thinking it had something to do with gays.

Chances of passing: Significantly better than last time Mikey proposed, at an Arby’s.

Sticking points: Carla’s currently dating an NBA player.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more breaking election coverage through the election.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Obama Campaign Picks Up Federal Bailout Tab

Washington, DC—Saying “really, it’s okay, we’re flush this month” and “you got it last time,” presidential contender Barack Obama announced today that his campaign would pick up the tab for the government’s massive $700 billion economic bailout.

When the bailout bill arrived this morning, Obama was in Washington and, according to witnesses present at the table, Obama grabbed it and put his credit card down, saying “I got it.”

“We just appreciate being here with you, and all the hard work you've done,” Obama said later at a press conference here to publicly announce the generous move. “It’d really make me happy to treat you this time.”

Critics argue that Obama’s always picking up the tab, trying to look all magnanimous and cool. He even pays for his wife’s own clothes on the campaign, these critics point out. “It’s an act, don’t be fooled,” said RNC chair Mike Duncan.

Obama's rival John McCain agreed. “He’s measuring the drapes!” the Arizona Republican senator cried after hearing the news on the campaign trail.

Obama campaign spokesman Ben LaBolt said such criticism was all “nonsense.” Citing the impromptu, unplanned nature of the move, LaBolt said, “Here’s a guy who offers to pay for the largest bailout in history, and he gets criticized at for it? That’s rich. Richer than Obama by far.”

At the press conference, Obama was equally contrite about the move. Chided by a reporter, who asked “you can’t just pick up such a large tab on your credit card, can you?” Senator Obama replied, “Yes we can.”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Youth Culture in an Obama White House

Washington, DC—If national and battleground polls are to be believed, Senator Barack Obama will be the next president of the United States, due in no small measure to the enthusiasm and support of young people. Youth culture, shown at left, has been omnipresent in the Obama campaign and is sure to continue during an Obama presidency. Newsmaker News gathered some political experts to examine how this youth focus will affect an Obama White House. The following are some of the changes expected:

  • White House tour guides to wear American Apparel tees and nothing else
  • NEA graffiti grants
  • Every bill sent to Congress updated with “2.0”
  • Anthem changed to Starz N Stripez
  • Oval Office "Red Phone" replaced with Skype
  • Cabinet meetings held in Second Life
  • Everything to be "Gone Wild"
  • Fireside Facebook chats
  • America to save cash by moving back in with Britain
  • Staff to travel Europe before beginning term
  • Air Force One booked via Orbitz
  • Recycling of cans, paper, and Clinton initiatives
  • White House to open TCF Bank checking account
  • Challenging Kremlin to Ultimate Frisbee game
  • Dave Mathews named Secretary of Chillaxin’
  • Washington Mall opened for skateboarding
  • Self protested
  • Waterboarding replaced with legal but even more tortuous "reading"
  • Stays in Lincoln Room auctioned on Craigslist
  • State of the Union speech moved to May, held on quad
  • Internet something or other
  • President’s Ball enlivened with glow sticks, ecstasy
  • Punctuation banned
  • Social Security benefit age lowered to 35
  • Sex. Lots and lots of sex.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more breaking election coverage.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Bush Considering Legacy

Washington, DC—According to sources inside the White House, President Bush is reportedly contemplating life after leaving office, and what kind of Legacy he will have. The sources, who wish to remain anonymous due to the sensitive personal nature of the president’s thoughts, are unanimous in their assertions that it is indeed the Legacy that Bush is looking into.

The sources, all close to the president’s post–White House plans, cite repeated online visits to and various musings by the president and his staff about the “image his Legacy will convey” and “not wanting to spend too much money.”

“The President asked me what kind of mileage I get with my Corolla,” one source reported. “And how much brush I could fit into the back seat, if I had some help from the Secret Service.” The source also said the President is “really excited about his Legacy. Karl [Rove]’s brother has one, and he really sees it as being appropriate, especially in this tough economy, when his 401k has really taken a hit.”

The only public acknowledgements of such thinking on behalf of the President came in a September press conference in which he referred to “needing to have head room and some zip, but not a gas guzzler. Something Laura would like. Yep, it’s looking like my Legacy is a go.”

The President, shown above browsing potential post-office vehicles on the White House south lawn, is reportedly leaning toward a black or silver Legacy, with a moon roof and perhaps mountain bike racks. “He really wants an iPod-compatible stereo too,” said an aide.

Sources were not sure the President’s preference as to manual versus automatic. “Probably automatic,” said one staffer. “That seems to be the way he operates best.”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Opinion: Some of My Best Friends are Black Presidential Candidates

Altoona, PENNSYLVANIA—I’m not going to vote for Barack Obama, but before I tell you why I want to make clear that I’m not a racist. My goodness no! I don’t see color in any way, except maybe rainbows, and besides if you knew me you’d know I’m the furthest from the Klan-loving fear-mongers out there. Actually, if you must know, some of my best friends are black presidential candidates.

Why, just the other day I had lunch with my good friend Alan Keyes. We first met at the YMCA when he busted my hump out on the squash court. We’ve had a friendly rivalry ever since. We speak freely and respectfully about all kinds of things, like how much immigrants are ruining this country with their bodegas, roasted corn, and low-cost clean services. Just thinking of Alan makes me giggle.

See, how could I be racist? Even my new pen pal Cynthia McKinney agrees—I met her while on vacation in a Berkeley coffee shop, and when I got home I immediately wrote to compliment her English. I kept a photocopy of that letter, in case you’d like to see it.

I also happen to be very good friends with Lenora Fulani. Didn’t see that coming, did you? I dabble in psychoanalysis from time to time, especially with the wife, and Lenora and I met while I was doing some research at Brown University. We get together for scones and shoot the breeze, mostly shop talk about how badly minorities need psychotherapy. Hint hint, Senator Obama.

Also, I was in the same movie theater with Al Sharpton once.

Now that you know I am no racist, you will understand that my vote for John McCain has nothing to do with race. No way! Get that racist stuff away from me.

No, I’m voting for John McCain because I identify with him. He seems interested in the issues I am interested in, like Joes, robotic phones, and plumbing. I guess I just trust him more—not like Obama, who I’m afraid is out to get my wallet. Why, I’d be perfectly happy to have John McCain as a neighbor. I WISH I could afford one of his gated neighborhoods!

Also, when he stands up straight, Senator McCain is quite presidential. Unlike Senator Obama—for some reason that man looks angry all the time, like you’d better cross the street if you see him coming. Not that he wouldn’t make a good lower-level public servant—I’d hire him as a servant in a heartbeat!

So there it is. I’m going with my intuition, which is the way most people decide whom to vote for. And my intuition tells me John McCain all the way. And not because he’s the white candidate—because he’s the best white candidate.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more “Newsmakers Speak” commentaries.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.


Thursday, October 16, 2008

Opinion: I Hate Painting

God I hate painting so much it’s like the worst thing ever. I don’t hate building a little two-legged table for the dog, nor do I hate cooking meals for people or even cleaning up meals. I don’t hate drywall, nor floor refinishing, nor building a new bathroom from scratch. I don’t hate hanging pictures or wall hangings, nor doing designs on the computer and printing them out on the printer and then buying more ink for the printer. No, I don’t hate any of those things, and many more things I could name too. Like cleaning toilets and putting out ant traps, and cleaning the ants from the dog food bowl which, until I built a table for it, sat on the floor like an ant buffet. 

No, I don’t hate any of those things, but I fucking hate fucking painting.

I hate that little crust of paint that forms around the lids once you’ve opened a can and put the lid back on. Is it wet or dry, that little crust? Let me fucking tell you, it’s always wet!

I hate the sound of the rollers. Why do we put up with this shit? It’s like a squeegee stuck into a pig’s gut, and the pig squeals and the squeegee squeegees up his guts as he’s squealing and it sounds like fucking painting.

And how come the fucking radio never works right when you’re painting? You’re going to deny me Rico and Suave in the Morning on top of the pain of painting? Fuck you.

Tape’s supposed to make it better, but what the hell? The tape always pulls off part of the old paint job, even if the old paint job was like two days ago. That leaves splotches in the corners of the ceiling, and you know how you have to deal with that? Do you? More fucking painting. It fucks you one way, this paint thing, then it fucks you the other way too.

I went to buy the paint, which I don’t hate so much because when I go I get to buy beer too, it’s the rule. And they have at the hardware store this thing that you can give them your phone number and they will enter into the computer what paint you bought and what room it was for so that if you need the paint again, you don’t have to drag the wet lid in or have it matched or be a total fucking Martha Stewart and just remember. So that’s nice, except that when I needed another can, did they have our paint in ther? I had to call home and ask what color it was. Primavera. Prima fucking vera. So now, I hate the fucking hardware store part of painting too.

Oh, and I hate painting without tape, too. Even if you go slow, you see it. I am no good at painting, which is another thing I hate, and so I make mistakes and I hate following behind myself with a paper towel to wipe up my mistakes. You know why I hate that? Because I left the paper towels down in the fucking basement, that’s why, so that when I come back up with them, or even some toilet paper from the bathroom, it’s already dry and you will always know that I painted this room. Me. The guy who hates painting.

Okay, where was I? Oh yes. Hate.

I hate the way the roller splatters paint on my glasses. I paid five fucking hundred dollars for these glasses, and I didn’t pay it to paint them. Also, I hate the rollers themselves, they sound like a pig being squeegeed to death, as I’ve said, and also they just don’t work. Who fucking came up with this idea of putting paint onto a roller and then rolling it on. I get one or two back-and-forths, yops, and then it’s done and I have to add more paint. I’d do better just throwing the paint on the wall and rollering at random. Which I would if I even remotely enjoyed painting or trying to improve the painting process. I don’t. I hate both.

I hate how painting hurts my hands. And my wrists. It hurts. Perhaps it hurts because I don’t know how to paint, you say? Well tough shit because I’m going to bitch about it anyway.

Oh! Oh! I hate the way my fucking wife says I’m being a big fucking baby. I hate it when she says lighten up, it’s for our child’s bedroom, and that this means somehow I am supposed to not hate it so much. News flash: It could be for my dying mother, and I would hate it all the same. It could be for my dying mother, who only wanted a primavera room to die in and I’d be scraping my fingernails of primavera paint and getting drunk in the basement while she dies in her precious primavera room like the Queen herself. M’lady! your precious death room is ready! I hope you enjoy it, since I hated it so much. Happy death, Mom.

I really hate painting.

Okay, let’s see. Dying mom. Radio. Squeegeed pig intestine. Rollering my eyeglasses, which cost five fucking hundred dollars. Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh fuck me yes: The one coat promise. Bull. Shit. If you can do it all in one coat, that means only one thing: you love painting. Why don’t you and the paint can get a room, paint lover? Then you could put your hard-on in the paint can and stir up a new paint color called “Fuck you!”

And the brushes never get cleaned. Ever. They are always like totally stiff when you want to use them again. I mean, do guys who love to paint spend like twenty minutes washing brushes? Because I have, and it still ended up stiff as the hard-on you people who love painting get when you paint. I am a man who will keep a plastic bag and re-use it till Jesus himself reappears, but I throw away a paint brush like it’s toiler paper.

And the heat. It’s like every paint can comes with a fireplace. Ever seen a painter wearing a sweater? Nope, no such luck. Instead you’re standing there in a boiling hot room, with fumy paint on your balls, wearing latex gloves to keep the paint off your hands but not your balls or your glasses, which cost five hundred fucking dollars remember, and your rubbing a roller onto a wall. That’s not home improvement. That’s hell.

And after all that, all the whole fucking shtick you do, which every last drop of it I hate, every bit of it, except maybe the smell and the beer—after all that whole bullshit you do, you know what you have? A new color on a wall. Great. Happy Christmas. Enjoy it, you fuck.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more Newsmakers Speak commentaries.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.


Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Treasury Buys Struggling Borders Stores

Ann Arbor, MICHIGAN—Calling the move “extensive, necessary, and urgent,” Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson announced that the government’s $700 billion bailout plan would move forward today with the purchase of struggling bookstore giant Borders Group, Inc. The purchase, intended to shore up an important facet of the commercial paper market, would make the government majority owner of the publicly traded company.

Speaking shortly after President Bush at a glittering mall Borders here, Secretary Paulson said that the security of Borders, “where you can get a nice latte and also a magazine if you want,” will calm jittery markets and inject confidence into an economy shaking with worry about everything, including books.

Mr. Bush also reiterated the need for calm and suggested Americans should take a long-term view of the American economy. “Don’t just buy a book and throw it away or hide it under your mattress,” the President said, “but rather keep it a while. It’s a book—put it on your bookshelf.” The President admitted he was not much of a reader but that he liked "that wizard kid," and books about eagles, “and Borders has plenty of all that, thanks to us.”

The Ann Arbor based book chain has over 1,100 stores and 30,000 employees worldwide, with consolidated sales over $3.8 billion. But recent rumors of a downward spiral sluggish sales, overextended growth, and fierce competition from Barnes and Noble have The government will reportedly pay $200 billion “for the whole shebang,” according to Paulson, “including the fixtures and the Coca-Cola machines.”

Asked about the price tag and the relevant worth of Borders as opposed to companies in the unsteady banking industry, Paulson responded that they can always return it within 30 days as long as Americans don’t damage too many books in the meantime or take them into the bathroom. “Plus,” the President added, “we just put it on the credit card—thanks, Congress.”

News of the “book bailout” sent the company’s stock price soaring to $5.02 a share. Company CEO George L. Jones, showing obvious relief, announced his resignation, adding that he “didn’t like books anyway” and that as his last official act he was trying to arrange a reading and signing for Paulson at the Washington, D.C. store.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.