Friday, August 29, 2008

Bromance Consummated with Brojob

Austin, TEXAS—A long-simmering relationship between two bros in this free-wheeling Texas college town was finally consummated, sources close to the bros reported. The consummation occurred sometime around 11:40 yesterday evening, after a Shins concert.

The bros, web designer Carson Macintosh, 31, and musician Ben Smits, 27, were not available for comment. Mutual friend Jessica Connors, however, confirmed that the two had been hanging out for some time now, drawn to each other by a friendly, affectionate bond that Connors called “cute.” “But they’re not gay,” Connors added. “Ben has a girlfriend. It’s just fun.”

The bros, shown above on their way to the Shins concert, allegedly decided to consummate things after an intense discussion of life, past struggles with relationships, and Quentin Tarantino films. The resulting brojob took place in Macintosh’s Audi.

Speculation was flying Saturday that the pair might move in together while Smits’s long-time girlfriend, Tina Ahlers, travels to Poland on a Fullbright scholarship. Macintosh needs a place to stay, it was reported, and “that’s what bros are for,” according to a source who wished to remain anonymous on account of his own previous consummation with one of the bros.

Connors was dubious about the moving-in rumor, however. “Ben’s pretty messy,” she said, “and Carson’s a vegetarian.”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking bro story.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Clinton Supporters Rejoice at McCain Veep Pick

Anchorage, ALASKA—Millions of women who supported Senator Hillary Clinton for president rejoiced today at news that John McCain, the presumptive Republican nominee, has chosen Alaska Governor and former beauty queen Sarah Palin as his running mate.

“Oh my goodness,” said Mikki Smith, of Tampa Bay, Florida, “a woman, a woman—I just can’t believe how wonderful this is. Hillary would be so proud.”

While Hillary Clinton has yet to comment on the pick, many analysts find it hard to see how she wouldn’t approve. The lifetime member of the NRA, who is fiercely anti-abortion and advocates drilling for oil in Alaska’s protected ANWAR areas, and who believes marriage is between a man and woman only and who was runner up in the 1984 Miss Alaska beauty pageant—clearly Palin stands for everything Hillary Clinton has worked her entire political life to achieve.

The pick also heightens Barack Obama’s lack of experience. “Certainly a woman two years into the governorship of a state bordering Russia has all the experience necessary to be president,” said CNN’s Wolf Blitzer. “Not to mention her four years on the Wasilla city council.”

Clinton supporter Alexi Weldon, of Connecticut, went even further: “Anyone who thinks this woman isn’t ready or doesn’t have the right policies to be president is just as sexist as Barack Obama. This feminist is officially voting for the old man and his trophy vp.” 

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Dems: Yes We Can Remind You How Lonely You Are

DENVER—In a historic moment with nationwide repercussions, Barack Obama tonight accepted his party’s nomination for president of the United States while you watched alone. Obama not only gave perhaps the best political speech ever given but also simultaneously revealed exactly how lonely and devoid of human connection your life is.

With tens of thousands of supporters cheering at Invesco Stadium and millions tuning in by television and internet, Senator Obama forcefully defended his experience to be commander in chief as well as attacked his rival’s supposed strengths on a night where you were home doing nothing and with no one calling you on the phone to tell you what an amazing moment it was. If only you were politically active, or active in any other way.

But no. Even Stevie Wonder’s joy-infused performance didn’t engender a shout-out your direction, despite the fact that you love Stevie Wonder but had no idea he was performing because you were making yourself a grilled cheese sandwich.

You, shown at left about to be lonely this weekend at the lake, also had no one calling to ask how proud you are of this country for hoisting the first African American into such national political spotlight. Instead, you had Doritos, and a banner ad on your laptop for girls who want to have sex tonight in Cincinnati, Ohio, where you don't even live.

Critics on the political left and right agreed that you are so, so lonely and not even part of this great political movement. “Plenty of action happening tonight,” said Anderson Cooper, host of CNN’s “best political team on television” election coverage. “So many guys must be getting laid tonight on account of the ‘si se puede’ spirit electrifying this nation.” Mr. Cooper added that anyone not forming a human bond tonight, political, physical, or otherwise, must be “completely unlovable on a scale we haven’t seen since the Blue Dog Democrats defected en masse from Walter Mondale to Ronald Reagan.”

You are really, really lonely, sources vaguely close to you said.

Remember that time in high school when you rode your ten speed over to Dawn Jensen’s house because you heard she put out? She didn’t put out for you, did she? No, she said you were too nice a guy, and that it wouldn’t be right, and that she liked you as a friend. Friendly you ended up biking home in the rain—remember that? Well tonight’s speech, igniting a national movement for change unifying so many disparate elements of the electorate, was so much more damaging to your sense of self-worth.

You are totally alone, witnesses said. Also, you dress oddly and don’t mix well in groups. In Denver, host of the Democratic National Convention and site of so much partying, bonding, one-night-standing, and general wowing each other’s socks off with love and affection, you wouldn’t even know anyone. You’d be all like, “si yo puedo,” by yourself in a corner.

Insiders, who spoke on condition of anonymity because of not wanting to hurt your feelings, agreed. Everyone loves Barack Obama and doesn’t love you, they all said unanimously.

While the election is far from over, as Republicans from across the country stream into St. Paul, Minnesota, to have their own convention cum hook-up party, you certainly won’t be a part of any of it. In fact, you will watch that one alone as well. Do you have enough beer to salve the pain of this loneliness? That was the question on everyone’s lips as the political season moved into a truly competitive landscape tonight.

You should probably not even vote this year, it was agreed by a cross-section of Americans tonight. Sit there and think about that quietly, they added. Someplace where we can’t hear your whimpering.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this sad, sad story.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Op-Ed: What Tiananmen Square?

Beijing, CHINA—Well, it was a wonderful Olympics, wasn’t it? China presented herself flawlessly, with world-wide acclaim, and with no shame or embarrassment of any kind. From the simple purity of a young child’s voice to a night-defying display of pyrotechnics, China rose to the Olympic challenge and put on a show to awe the world for generations to come.

What’s that? Tiananmen Square? What Tiananmen Square are you referring to?

Sorry, I have no idea what you are talking about. Is anyone talking about such a thing or place? I haven’t seen it, if it exists. What I saw was China grabbing 51 gold medals, putting—how would you say?—the smack down upon America. Also there was a smacking down on all other countries.

I also saw over a million visitors and athletes descend on our glorious people’s city—all of them shopping, eating, and celebrating with China as host. Why, I walked down into the Sanlitun Entertainment District and saw many people hoisting drinks and dancing dirtily with friends. I saw too a Budweiser commercial with sexy Chinese girls at a nightclub, and I saw you think to yourself “Wow, I wish I was in Beijing with those sexy Chinese girls having a cold Budweiser while Michael Phelps walks by in his Speedo.”

You know what I didn’t see? I didn’t see any fucking Tiananmen Square. Nowhere.

Maybe you mean Olympic Green or Shunyi Olympic Rowing Stadium, both places where China put some more spanking onto you? Or maybe you mean some square in Iraq that was being bombed while your gold medal hopes bombed too?

Certainly you cannot deny that no one once uttered the words “Tiananmen Square.” Certainly not the athletes, who know what’s good for their careers. Black facemasks my Chinese ass.

What’s that you say, human rights? I heard no one talking about such things—maybe there was too much noise from the five million pounds of fireworks we lit off, and of course the eternal playing of “March of the Volunteers” while another Chinese athlete sported a gold medal over some skinny American.

Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah, can’t hear you! I see you squawking but can’t find your birdhouse, as you Americans might say. Besides, I’m too busy counting Yuan from all the American debt securities China owns. Maybe we can talk Tiananmen Square when Premier Wen Jiabao comes to evict your president from the White House when we decide that we own it now.

Then you will say to us, “But we are a superpower!” And I will say to you, “What superpower?”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more Newsmakers Speak commentaries.

Copyright 2008 Newsmaker News.

Clinton Reiterates Support for ‘The Big O’

DENVER—Hillary Clinton addressed her supporters today, releasing them from the responsibility to vote for her in the presidential nomination process and endorsing Senator Obama. While her support for Senator Obama was widely expected, especially after her full-throated endorsement Tuesday night, her rationale is raising some eyebrows.

“Friends,” Clinton said in her short remarks, “ladies! I need to have my O!” Explaining that the November election was a choice between sexist old man and sexist youngish man, Senator Clinton reiterated her stance that the sexist youngish man gives a better O. After all, she said, she’s been married to one, so she knows that youngish men who degrade and humiliate you and make you cry—these are the ones who make things happen. “This is my position,” Clinton said, “and it’s the best one to get the O.”

In a lighthearted moment, the upbeat, vibrant Clinton joked that while they call Senator Obama “the One,” she didn’t want to settle for just one O. Rather, there should be multiple Os. “We should get our O over the next 8 years!”

To much cheering and whooping from her supporters, Mrs. Clinton concluded that while Senator McCain is a colleague and friend, he was in no shape to give the O. “Just look at him. No one wants old O.”

Whether Mrs. Clinton’s supporters will heed her advice and take similar positions to get the O remains to be seen. A divisive roll call process might undermine the convention and crack the Democrats’ appearance of unity. Political analysts have noted, however, that division and bickering isn’t necessarily harmful long-term to the party, and might in fact lead to a powerful “make-up O” come November.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.


Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Bush to Russians: Hands Off South Appalachia

Washington—With Vice President Dick Cheney visiting the area to show American support and solidarity, President Bush today issued a stern warning to Russia. “Mark my words,” the President said in a prepared statement “the Russian Federation will never include South Appalachia.”

The President, sounding vigorous and feisty in his waning term, reiterated how important the region is to America, strategically and culturally. “Whether it’s the Appalachian Trail, moonshine, or banjo music, Appalachia is as American is apple pie. Especially the south part,” the President added.

Refusing to grant Russia’s assertion that its recent invasion was performed to protect Appalachians, whom President Dmitry Medvedev claims have strong historical Russian ties, the President made clear that the entire area was off limits: “I don’t care if Georgia did incur into there—that’s between them and Tennessee. Last I looked, Tennessee’s on American soil.” The President added, “Appalachia too.”

The White House said President Bush will await Cheney’s return for a complete briefing before making any policy moves, though he made clear Russia should be punished for its misdeeds. He will also be touring the area to see any damage Russia caused. Press Secretary Dana Perino said Mr. Bush was hoping the great Smoky Mountains were unharmed, because Perino doesn’t have a nickname yet and the President seems intent on calling her “Smoky.”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking crisis.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Olympic Finale: Brazilians Defeated in Sexathon

Beijing, China—In a fountain-side ceremony in a W Hotel courtyard here today, official results for the men’s sexathon were announced. The multi-day, multi-venue contest is the last medal awarded in the Olympic games and was widely assumed to belong to the powerhouse Brazilians. But in what may well be the upset of the games, it was a disciplined, well-trained German team who claimed gold.

The bronze medal was awarded to the Italians, who made history by including a disabled man on their team—the suave, one-legged Paulo Fantini. But the story of this sex challenge remains the overconfidence of the Brazilians, shown at left sulking sexily after their loss, who were seen in discotheques late at night before early morning performances. Rumors have also swirled regarding judge-seduction, Cialis doping, and even violations of the hidden anal stimulation ban.

The six-event sexathon is held throughout the games in numerous of locales, including beneath the bleachers at the National Indoor Stadium, in the locker room of the Beijing Workers’ Gymnasium, in the sand pits of Chaoyang Park Beach, and in various pools across the city. Judging consists of ten criteria, most importantly timing, concern for partner's pleasure, orgasm face, artistic expression, accent, and of course degree of difficulty. It is that last criterion that many believe put the Germans over the top, thanks to team captain Gunter Schmidt’s newly minted “shvassbinder” move—sure to be a staple in the 2012 games.

The Brazilians—shown at left in 2004 celebrating Athens gold—appeared devastated to be settling for silver. Smoking hand-rolled cigarettes and weeping behind sunglasses, they received the news with pleading, heart-pounding, and cries of “It can not be!” Team member Rodrigo even made to drown himself in the hotel fountain before being restrained by members of the media.

Order was soon restored, and the Brazilians, who lost to the Germans by only .73 points, graciously congratulated their rivals, promising a spirited rematch in 2012. “I will practice like never before, day and night,” promised Rodrigo. “Mostly night.”

Even in celebration, the German team was much more reserved. “I am very proud,” said Schmidt. “I have been working for this since a little boy I was.” Schmidt, whose wife and mother were present at each of his performances, is a favorite to become top sexer in the world. Perhaps his wife, Alexi Brunner, summed it up when she said of Gunter's high-risk, high-reward shvassbinder: “He nailed it!” 

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Reality Market Strengthens

WASHINGTON—Sales of existing homes continued to worry Wall Street in what analysts are calling a surging rebound in the nation’s reality market. Defying hopes that buyers would snap up deeply discounted properties in parts of the country hit hardest by the housing bust, the reality sector continues to surge.

Unsold properties hit an all-time high in July, the latest indication that the reality market’s remarkable skyrocket is far from over.

The National Association of Realitors reported Monday that home sales “were not good at all” and that “it looks like we’re in for a great ride through the rest of 2008.” Sales were 13.2 percent lower than a year ago and prices were down dramatically. The median price for a home sold in July dropped to $212,000, down by 7.1 percent a year ago. Inventory levels are being driven higher by a massive wave of mortgage foreclosures. Best yet, nobody seems to be betting their nest egg or refinancing for a new kitchen based on a mythical 10% year-over-year rise in property values—great news for reality across the country.

Analysts say that until the inventory level is reduced to more normal levels, the surge in the reality market is likely to persist.

Yet despite the sluggish sales and foreclosures, Chris Chen, the Realitor’s chief economist, was reluctant to conclude that the U.S. reality market in unstoppable.

“People are starting to take interest in lower prices,” Chen said, and there is “certainly enough stupidity, greed, and short-sightedness left in the system” to make home values rise again.

“And hey, when banks start offering refi’s again based on inflated price increases that haven’t even happened yet,” Chen said, there’s no telling how quickly consumers will turn back to realty for investment and general short-term foolishness. “When it comes to people’s money and reality, all bets are off.”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for updates on this breaking story.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Guy from Marketing Not Saying, Just Saying

West Des Moines, Iowa—A marketing manager in the offices of Digital Micro Systems, Inc., was reported to be not saying, just saying today. The alleged not speaking, just speaking occurred during the morning “bull rounds” taken by the manager, Bill Hutchinson, most every Friday morning.

Laura Jensen, an analyst in the company’s finance department, described Hutchinson as a “likeable guy” and “pretty good at what he does, I guess.” But the alleged simultaneous saying and not saying left her and other coworkers both baffled and concerned. “I’m confused,” Jensen said, “did he say something or not?”

The incident came during a discussion the restaurant chain Redstone Grill, which has a location in Minneapolis, but not yet in Des Moines. Hutchinson, according to witnesses, alleged that he'd been to the Minneapolis Redstone and that there was a lot more going on there than just eating. “It's cougar city in there,” he said, before adding that he was not saying that at all.

Continuing on to say that he “liked to party as much as anyone,” Hutchinson furthered the confusion by alleging that Cindy Beckfeld, of Digital Micro System’s communications department, “would just love love love a Redstone to come to Des Moines.” Hutchinson went on to not say that, and then say it again.

Before the morning bull round was over, Hutchinson went on to assert and demure on at least five other topics, including that the company was getting stingy on expense reports, that he could sure use some coffee, and that the day before there had been a foul odor left in the employee lounge after programmer Eddie Padrahani microwaved his lunch. To this last unstated statement he added, cryptically, “But seriously I’m just kidding.” 

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.


Thursday, August 21, 2008

Weekend Bachelor Party Finally Gets Awkward

Up North, Minnesota—A weekend-long bachelor party up here finally hit that moment when things get awkward and everyone just wants to be home with their wives or girlfriends, it was reported today.

The awkwardness began, finally, during casual morning conversation, which began at roughly 2:45 P.M. on the second day of the two-day bacchanal. Attendee Matt “Mitch” Pearson indicated he had a busy week ahead, with all the planning he and his wife had yet to do for an upcoming camping trip. This information prompted another attendee, Jeff Oren, to ask, “Dude, you’re married?”

“It was almost a relief,” said attendee Steve Mansen. “That kind of awkwardness just hanging out there, it weighs on you, and then when it comes, it’s like, okay, that’s awkward.” Asked to explain, Mansen described in scant detail Mr. Pearson's shenanigans the night before, especially those with two young women at a bar the party had patronized for karaoke.

Despite the potential derailing effect of such a moment, party organizer Lou Tarkenson was prepared with a checklist of "emergency" diversionary responses. Among the list were the following:

• Commenting on the current ratio of beer-drinkers vs pussies.

• Recent Sasquatch reports on CNN.

• “Let’s not dither about who’s married and who’s not.”

• A $100 challenge to eat the leftover raw hamburger.

• “At the end of the day, who hasn’t lured a young woman outside the bar and then stuck his hands down her shorts?”

• Porn. Porn is good.

• “Wife shmife, it’s a bachelor party.”

• Comparing iPhone signals.

• Tattoos: where and what?

Tarkenson’s efforts paid off. The party overcame the awkwardness, witnesses agreed, by 5:00 that afternoon, when Tarkenson himself vomited the raw hamburger. Much later, however, he lost his $100 playing roulette at the casino, and all agreed this cleared the air of any and all awkwardness. “Oh yeah,” Mr. Oren assented. “Ain’t no awkward now! Gonna get crunked up!”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.



Monday, August 18, 2008

Op-Ed: Ve Have Vays of Making You Eat Spaetzel

Stuttgart, Germany—You Americans, always trying to be Mr. Smarty Pants, Mr. Macgyver with ze Hero Mind. But you have no idea how ze real vorld verks. You think you can outwit us, but no. Ve are crafty, ve Germans. Believe me, ve have vays of making you eat spaetzel.

Why try to avoid this, when it is so easy for us? Ve might grind it up vith your Big Mac. Ve might blend it vith a blender, put it in green bottles, and call it Riesling. You know zero about Riesling. You vill have no idea you are eating spaetzel.

Listen, one night ven you are taking out this little frauline you are trying bang, and she suggests ze cute German cafe she’s been hearing so much about, and she looks on the menu and says “Spaetzel, I love spaetzel.” Then you vill be eating ze spaetzel.

Or ve might put it in your soup.

Ve also might send a coded message to your friend Jill, who has been saying for years how much she loves Oktoberfest—this is all according to plan. She vill say that this is ze year, mister buddy boy, that you go vith her to Oktoberfest. It’s fun, never mind that it is Zeptember still! And because you are a nice boy like your mommy raised you to be, you vill go. And because there is nothing else to do at Oktoberfest, you vill have many glasses of Spaten, and guess vut vill be put on a plate and placed in front of you then? Ah? Vut are you going to do, get up and drive yourself to a Perkins? No, no, mein friend.

Don’t be a hero. Eat ze spaetzel.

It’s only a matter of time. All ve have to do is rely on our brutal German fortitude. And also keep ze spaetzel warm because no one wants cold spaetzel.

Vun day ve might distract you vith a lovely Broomhilda vith ze high heels and legs up to her ear lobes. And ven your jaw drops like ze American toad with horns you are, ve vill pop ze spaetzel into your mouth like so much popcorn shrimps. And if you do not drop your jaw, ve have trained Broomhilda to zeduce you and take you back to her condo, where you vill find yourself on her bearskin rug vith her luscious German legs wrapped avound your neck as she is moaning vith pleasure—vut do you think you are eating then?

Think you can tell ze difference between spaetzel and vagina? Okay, how about this: Ve have people in all ze hospitals in your city, so when you go in for your appendectomy, or to pass ze kidney stone, or when you have ze heat stroke, or vutever it doesn’t matter—when ze nurse gives you ze I V, vith ze needle, and the drippy drip, ya? Spaetzel!

Why are you so special that you won’t eat ze spaetzel? Ah? Vut are you, better than every one else? You get to decide vut you eat? Ve have news for you: it doesn’t verk that vay, except in Hollywood or Disneyland or ze Grand Canyon. You can eat vutever you vant in ze Grand Canyon. But ven you come home, trust me, ve vill make you eat ze spaetzel.

Ve could just torture you, you know.

Either vay, this spaetzel thing is going to happen. And you know something? It’s not that bad. It’s like gnocchi. You never had gnocchi? This is okay—ve vill just mix it vith ze spaetzel.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more Newsmakers Speak commentaries.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Stuff in Water

Danbury, Wisconsin—There is an amazing amount of stuff in the water, it was reported today. The intriguing scientific discovery was made lakeside after several moments of observation, and confirmed via independent testing.

Whereas previously it was believed that water was pretty much water, with maybe some fish and some algae or whatever, the discovery confirms that there is so much more to it than that. Of the stuff found in the water, there was the expected, but also a few surprises. A partial list of the stuff was released today, though observers caution that it will be years before any of this stuff could be found useful, or even memorable.

Here’s a sampling of some of the stuff discovered:

• Little leaves

• Spittle

• Clusters of tiny white balls that could be some kind of egg

• Shadows

• Bigger leaves

• Minnows we think, might be just small fish

• Rocks

• Last night’s Swisher Sweets wrapper

• Twine

• Infection

• Carl

• Canoes

• ’n shit

• Docks and dock hardware

• Jessica Alba fantasy

• Salvation

• Temporarily clean feet

• Itch

• Youth

• Sand, like an incredible amount of sand

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for updates to this breaking story.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Lobster-Backed Securities Fraud Snares First Settlement

Mount Desert Island, Maine—On the heels of the mortgage sector meltdown, the financial sector was rocked today by another round of write-downs at the bulge bracket banks.  At a press conference yesterday, G. Steven Rowe, Attorney General of Maine, announced that JP Morgan (JPM) and Morgan Stanley (MS) had agreed to buy back $7 billion in lobster-backed securities as part of an agreement to end probes by state regulators into how the complex securities were marketed to investors.

According to the agreement, these collateralized lobster obligations, or CLOees, were “presented to investors as triple-A prime investments and packaged in wicker baskets with clams, mussels, a Maine-made dessert, cooking instructions and a gift card, plus free shipping.” Attorney General Rowe added that "when the market for these recently caught derivatives dried up, the investor was left holding the bib.”

The complexities of crustacean securities are often daunting even to regulators. Legally, a CLOee is a special purpose entity wholly separate from the institution that creates it. The entity is the legal owner of a set of lobsters, called a pool. Investors in a CLOee buy lobsters issued by the entity, and receive ramekins of melted butter according to a defined set of rules. The lobsters themselves serve as collateral, and the set of rules that dictates how money received from the collateral will be distributed is called the structure. The legal entity, collateral, and structure are collectively referred to as the "deal-e-o," and often ensure that the average investor will end up caught in a trap.

Though the settlement today indicates that legally the two firms are in pretty hot water, neither admitted wrongdoing as part of the agreement.  Bryson Ready, a lobster man turned investment banker and head of Morgan’s Maine derivatives trading desk, said the temptations can be great in such a high-risk sector: “Fog, salt air, waves crashing over the bow, sea spray in your’s an addictive lifestyle. Not to mention the lobster.”

Attorney General Rowe was not swayed with such excuses. “Never have I seen such upstanding companies act so shellfish,” he said.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Drag Queen Wishes to Be Excused from Jerry Springer Show

Chicago, Illinois—A frustrated guest of the Jerry Springer television show repeatedly requested to be excused from the show’s filming today, it was reported. Saying “Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me!” over and over during the show’s contentious debate on “Drag Queens of Water Sport,” the guest made clear she was not being allowed to be excused.

Showing obvious distress, the female impersonator, Miss Deeds, reiterated her request whenever one of the show’s other guests attempted to speak. The disgruntled Deeds modulated her intonation and syllabic stresses in an attempt to underscore how much she actually did indeed wish to be excused.

At times Ms. Deeds seemed overcome with exhaustion. “Excuse me?” she wondered at one such time, before returning to her original resolve when another guest attempted to speak to her. “Excuse me.”

Holding one finger up and waving her hand in her fellow guests’ face, even the show’s battle-hardened host couldn’t get the guest to feel comfortable on the show. “If we could just—” Mr. Springer was quoted as saying, before the guest repeated her request four times.

Audience reaction ranged from strenuous whooping to sympathy. “Why don’t they excuse her?” wondered Patsy Finkle, of Merriam Park, Kansas. “Maybe she has to use the bathroom.”

When one of the show’s producers told her he had done everything he could to excuse her and asked her to please sit down so they could resume filming, Ms. Deeds replied that “No [he] didn’t.”

As of post time, Newsmaker News has not learned if the guest has in fact been excused. Stay tuned for more on this breaking story.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Crocs Identify Boy, 4, as Homosexual

Oak Park, New Jersey—A small section of this Chicago suburb was buzzing today with the news that 8-year-old Jeremy Taft’s favorite color was pink and that he would be a lifelong homosexual accordingly.

The boy, known affectionately on this affluent, tree-lined block as “J.T.,” returned from a shopping trip with his mother, Mary Jo Pederson, proudly displaying his new “Crocs” brand sandals, which were pink, a color J.T. loves like any gay child would. Pederson, 32, reportedly had no idea that this preference would doom her son to neighbor-imposed homosexuality, starting that very afternoon. “I just wanted him to pick the Crocs he would actually wear,” she said. Sobbing, she added, “I’m a terrible mother.”

Neighbor Joseph Francis was first to notice J.T.’s strong affinity for the shade of color between red and white, according to witnesses on the scene. “I’m as liberal as the next guy,” Francis was quoted as saying, “but the kid was just like, ‘I love my pink Crocs.’” Francis added, “Gayty gay gay.”

Longtime block club leader Sylvia Magnuson, who declined to give her age, was uneasy with the correlation of the color pink and J.T.’s nascent sexuality. “He’s just a kid who likes pink,” she said. Still, when pressed on the issue, she agreed J.T. probably would in fact turn out to be a homosexual. “But it’s not the pink Crocs,” she said. “It’s his love of theater.”

Experts disagree as to whether or not a child of 4 can be any kind of sexual at all, hetero or homo. Recent research is making headway, however. The Center for Study of Child Gayness, located in West Palm Beach, Florida, last month issued a policy statement suggesting that pink was a "strong indicator of precocious gayness." "Especially in footwear," the study added.

J.T. himself was quoted only as saying he was “Awesome,” and also was a “Big feathery bird,  you can't catch me.”

“Feathery bird?” Francis commented from his front porch. “We love him just the same.”

 Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for updates on this breaking story.

Copyright © 2008 by Newsmaker News.

Blogger Weighs In

Blogosphere, USA—A blogger weighed in earlier today, ensuring the nation’s ongoing debate will continue for at least another day. The blogger, left, as identified by her blog photograph, posted her blog entry at 10:28 A.M., thereby immediately staking her position for the entire internet-enabled world to view.

“It’s important to make sure my voice is heard on this issue,” she was quoted as saying at the scene of her input. “My comments will add to the blogoshere.”

The blogger made her decision to weigh in somewhere around 9:40 A.M. this morning, believing it was time. “The issue is just to important,” she told bystanders.

She is expected to weigh in tomorrow, as well.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for updates on this breaking story.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Freshman Congressman Cites Study You Wouldn't Know from Niagara Falls Area

Washington, D.C.—Freshman Representative Adrian Smith bolstered his amendment to an omnibus farm bill today by citing a nitrogen yield study conducted by this awesome group he met last summer on vacation in Canada with his family.

"This was a totally hot study," the suburban Nebraska Republican told the House floor during debate. "Way better than any of the studies done around here, which are lame." While claiming he made "pretty sweet" headway with the study’s overseeing organization, whom he described as "totally into me," Representative Smith was short on specifics. "You wouldn’t know it," he was quoted as saying after debate. "It doesn't know anyone from here either."

Fellow House members were skeptical. "Adrian’s always saying he’s in with some numbers from upstate, or back home in Gering [Nebraska]," said fellow Republican freshman Jim Jordan, of Ohio’s 4th District. "Remember that time he said he was up till dawn ‘really getting to know’ this report on crop rotation strategies from somewhere in Ontario?"

Asked for more details on the Niagara Falls study, Smith demurred, saying "I don’t want to be the kind of congressman who blabs behind a nice study's back." The relationship now, he said, is still going but “real casual," and he hopes to make it back to Niagara Falls for further study when he can.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Advertising Award Winner Accused of Fraud

Akron, Ohio—Hasse J. Beckwith, winner of a 1995 Silver Microphone Award, was accused of fraud in connection with the award, it was reported today. The Silver Microphone Awards, which are given to the best local and regional radio commercials produced throughout the nation and created by advertising agencies and audio production companies, announced that Beckwith, shown here at the award's after-after-party, was not of age to participate.

Beckwith won the award for his moving public awareness campaign "Bubble Gum Larceny," a series of child-focused radio spots featuring "Mr. Bubbles," a charismatic gum chewer who urges children to be good and avoid petty crime. Over 40,000 participants, both advertising agencies and production companies nationwide, are considered for the Silver Microphone Awards. A panel of judges, representing all aspects of the broadcast and advertising industry rated each entry. Entries are judged for their creativity, production quality, copywriting, talent and overall effectiveness. Of Beckwith's campaign the judges noted the "childlike approach" and the way Mr. Bubbles "really seemed to ignore standard rules of radio copy and speak directly kid to kid."

Beckwith was gracious at the award gala, keeping his acceptance remarks short. "You're totally cool," he was reported to have said. "And I totally wrote that bubbles thing too."

The controversy began when Silver Microphone's executive director, T. Michael Hershburg, announced that the group had "incontrovertible evidence" that in 1995 Beckwith was in fact a 6year old girl. Hershburg was quick to add that he hoped litigation would not be necessary. "We just want the award back," sources quoted him as saying. "And the money would be nice too." Asked how he came upon this knowledge almost 13 years later, Hershburg declined comment.

Keep tuned to Newsmaker News for updates to this breaking story.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Jay Farrar to Host "America's Got Talent"

Newsmaker News has learned that alt-country icon Jay Farrar will host the 2009 season of NBC's answer to American Idol, America's Got Talent.

Sources close to Farrar, the prime mover behind the seminal alt-country bands Uncle Tupelo and Son Volt, say he is excited about the opportunity. "I've got talent," said Farrar, "so it's a natural fit."

Farrar will replace current host Jerry Springer, who is stepping down to run for mayor of Cleveland. How Farrar will gel with the show's judges, especially the famously outspoken Sharon Osbourne and the cantankerous Piers Morgan, remains to be seen. Judge David Hasselhoff, however, will perhaps offer more rapport. "I'm a huge Gob Iron fan," said The Hoff.

Farrar, shown at left with pal Jeff Tweedy in 1989, is moving to Los Angeles to make himself completely available to the show's producers.  As of post time, it was unclear if Farrar will sell his St. Louis-area farm, or rent it. 

America's Got Talent executive producer Simon Cowell expects Farrar to make an immediate impact. "We expect ratings to go through the roof," Cowell said in a press conference introducing Jay to the media and everyone else in Los Angeles. "Whether we open every show with a couple acoustic numbers, or what, I don't know. Or maybe we rock out some." Cowell nudged Farrar and added, "Could be 'Whiskey Bottle' Jay? Ah? Ah?" Farrar said he would be honored.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for updates on this breaking story.