St. Paul, MINNESOTA—On this last day of the Republican National Convention, amidst the ebbing celebration and reinvigorated party faithful, Newsmaker News brings you a few of the week’s highlights.
• Heightened safety: thanks to heart-detection devices, the convention was free of the fear that it would be infiltrated by people with hearts.
• American hats: in deference to the suffering on the Gulf Coast, delegates wore their American hats first, their Republican hats second, and their ass hats when out on the town.
• Gulf Coast care packages: delegates volunteered to package relief items for Gustav victims, including bottled water, prayers, tax breaks, and bootstraps.
• Sarah Palin’s son-in-law-to-be: GOP leadership cleaned up Levi Johnston, put a blazer on him, and made it perfectly clear that there was no way in hell the kid would ever be seceding from this particular union.
• Economic distress addressed: concrete strategies for dealing with American’s economic anxieties were addressed, taped up, and mailed COD to “Whinyville, USA.”
• Mike Huckabee rocks: enjoying some nightlife at a Minneapolis bar, Governor Huckabee joined the band to sing “Born to Be Wild” then proceeded to actually fire all his guns at once, injuring seven people.
• Hookers and Blow concert: the Minneapolis party-music institution had its largest crowd ever, thanks to throngs of delegates unaware it was just the band's name.
• Protesters: urine-throwing Anarchists upstaged an otherwise pointless protest.
• Sarah Palin’s feisty acceptance speech: Governor Palin hit a home run, even her critics agreed, by getting downright nasty in every male delegate’s mind for the entire length of her speech and again later that night in hotel rooms across the Twin Cities.
• Joe Lieberman praises McCain: the independent Democrat defied his party by addressing the largest collection of goyim outside Idaho.
• Rage Against the Machine: never happened.
• Michelle Bachman: the 3rd District Minnesota Congresswoman gave the speech of her life, defending McCain running mate Sarah Palin with a rousing refrain of “I’d tap that.”
• Awww: an old man told some stories.
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