A Crapload of Places, US—The 2008 elections have engendered a saturated media environment obsessed with the presidential election and Democrats’ chances of picking up a filibuster-proof Senate. Lost in the blizzard of coverage are some very important ballot initiatives in several states. Here are some of the sometimes surprising issues voters will be deciding across the United States on November 4.
Idaho: Second Life Initiative
Gives unborn fetuses the right to bear arms.
Chances of passing: 100%
Sticking points: Legal scholars uncertain if fetus has subsequent right to shoot abortion doctor in self-defense.
New Jersey: Proposition Threesomething
This controversial measure asks the state to have a three-way with the waitress. Only, you know, if you’re into it.
Supporters: Those really pushing their luck.
Chances of passing: Depends on how drunk state is.
Sticking points: Waitress known to have slept with Rhode Island.
Prop 69 is actually a measure to fund parks and trails restoration, with particular focus on the Berkshires, but neither proponents nor detractors seem to care.
Supporters: Both partners.
Chances of passing: Pleasurably high.
Sticking points: Much debate over whether “it actually works” or if “someone ends up with an awkward angle and can’t enjoy it.”
Arkansas: Measure 2
Measure 2 would tap state monies to fund education for the next ten years at levels guaranteed to keep class sizes limited to 25 students or fewer.
Supporters: Fuckin communists.
Chances of passing: Over many, many dead bodies.
Sticking points: We just gave those kids some money five fuckin years ago, plus the principals are all fags.
Ohio: Initiative 50/50
Locally called the “Split the Difference” Initiative, this measure would once and for all clear up all controversial social issues: Gays can marry but only after a 30-day waiting period to make sure they aren’t just doing it for the sex; abortions are legal in the first trimester but the woman must spend a night in a spooky house on the same block that a sexual predator lives on (the predator must give the block notice if he's going to attack the fetus); handguns are illegal except in the defense of semiautomatic weapons; affirmative action is banned except in professional sports; and taxes can be raised but only for education, and every affected child has to say a prayer in school first, and it has to be a real prayer, not just for ice cream or a Wii or something.
Chances of passing: Currently 50-50.
Sticking points: What would we get mad about anymore?
Oregon: Right to Lifetime Healthcare
A progressive initiative declaring that healthcare begins at conception.
Supporters: Wacky Portland liberals.
Chances of passing: Sickly.
Sticking points: Vague language might define life as a preexisting condition.
New York City: Measure 86 or the “Third Term Abortion” Initiative
This hastily prepared measure guarantees New Yorkers the right to end an incumbency in the third term.
Supporters: Those New Yorkers not represented by City Council.
Chances of passing: Bloombergian.
Sticking points: Incumbent too small for traditional dilation and extraction procedure.
Las Vegas: Proposition OK
The “Keep Everything As It Is” initiative makes sure nothing will change at all.
Supporters: Whores, escorts, exotic dancers, casino owners, pit bosses, business guys, bachelors and/or bachelorettes, Vinnie.
Chances of passing: Currently 12-1.
Sticking points: Anywhere semen can seep to, and also casino chairs.
New Mexico: Prop 10
This isn’t actually a ballot initiative, just a prop. New Mexicans would get a nice prop to have, perhaps a potted plant or desk lamp.
Supporters: Prop dealers.
Chances of passing: Given that New Mexico has nothing better to do, pretty good.
Sticking points: Placement of prop might affect state’s feng shui, which is VERY important to state’s ability to think clearly and just, you know, feel unified or whatever.
California: Marriage Proposition
Called the “Carla Please” initiative, this measure confirms the intentions of Carla Borghoff and Michael “Mikey” Chandler to get married.
Supporter: Mikey and the 15,000 people he tricked into thinking it had something to do with gays.
Chances of passing: Significantly better than last time Mikey proposed, at an Arby’s.
Sticking points: Carla’s currently dating an NBA player.
Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more breaking election coverage through the election.
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