Editor’s Note: As Mr. Crumbs has not been made available for further comment by his corporate and/or Bush Administration handlers, Newsmaker News is proud to bring the following verbatim transcript of his recent testimony before the Senate Banking Committee regarding the government takeover of mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.
Mr. Crumbs: Oh well, we twied. [blows horn] But it was good to get all those Amewicans into homes, wight? Of course it was!
Chairman Dodd: I think you are overlooking a major financial crisis here. Fannie and Freddie are the only entities shoring up the industry now, and they have really screwed it up so bad, the government has had to take them over.
Mr. Crumbs: I agwee! But the pwoblem here is not my haircut. It's the overwegulation! If Fweddie were wun more like a corpowation and less like a socialist experiment for Twotskyites, we’d be smoking cigars as we speak. [wiggles nose] Speaking of… [lights cigar. cigar blows up in face.]
[laughter from senators]
Mr. Crumbs: Oh well. See, we twied our hardest. It just didn't work. Now it's time to say we're sowwy.
Chairman Dodd: Mr. Crumbs—
Mr. Crumbs: Please, call me Cwacker.
Chairman Dodd: Mr. Crumbs—
Mr. Crumbs: How about Cwumpitty? Can we agwee to call me Cwumpitty? Can we also agwee that an adjustable wate mortgate is just the thing you need to get into a nice condo, maybe in Arlington, where the taxes are low?
Chairman Dodd: Well, I have been looking—
[balloons and streamers drop. lights flash. Mr. Crumbs’s bow tie spins.]
Mr. Crumbs: Looking is the magic word! Evewyone should be looking.
Chairman Dodd: Everyone should be taking fiscal responsibility.
Mr. Crumbs: Fiscal wesponsibility is a wonderful thing. And another wonderful thing is a condo! You don't even need money! Because for a downpayment, we have tax payers. [to gallery] Wouldn’t you love to help Mr. Dodd get into a new condo, nice people? [blows horn]
[gallery applause]
Senator Shelby: You’re all right, Crumpitty Cracker Crumbs.
Mr. Crumbs: I twy. This is much easier than Enwon. That one was a tight wope to walk. [rises, ascends onto table, walks tight rope, falls with loud crashing sounds, possibly cymbals.]
[gallery gasps]
Chairman Dodd: Are you all right, Crumpitty?
Mr. Crumbs: I’m better than all right! I’m bailed out!
[Mr. Crumbs’s assistant wheelbarrows Mr. Crumbs out of hearing room.]
[gallery applause]
Senator Shelby: Movement to adjourn?
Chairman Dodd: Yeah, let’s do that. I got nothin’.
[adjournment]
Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.
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