Los Angeles—In a move widely unexpected except on chat boards and in some areas of Compton and Brooklyn, rap music’s biggest stars united today behind a movement to address the industry’s overdependence on—and some would say hoarding of—hose. A nonprofit foundation would be formed, it was announced, to both rid rap of these hose, and help save the hose themselves.
The popular genre’s self-appointed leaders, shown above at a press conference announcing the foundation, were characteristically blunt about the problem, which they admitted has been festering for years even as the rap lifestyle and most popular culture ignored it.
“There are plain and simple too many hose,” said Sean “Diddy” Combs in remarks to the media today. “Some of these hose are broken, some are skanky, and most of them are just no good. I got like three hose I can trust—and that’s the Diddy’s truth.”
Rap’s most successful hero, Jay Z, also appeared at the news conference, and unequivocally agreed. “Sometimes even I have to ask myself, why do I have so many hose? I don’t wear them. Shit, I even have white hose. Now you tell me: what’s a black-ass brother going to do with some white hose?”
Cultural critics across the nation hailed the announcement as a major step in rap’s effort to clean up its house. “Well, it’s been offensive to women for years now,” said Katherine Kersten, columnist for the Minneapolis Star-Tribune, frequent hosiery commentator, and longtime critic of rap fashion and everything else black. “We women know these rappers don’t wear their hose. Except maybe to rob convenience stores,” she added.
Surprising most observers with his candor, Diddy himself agreed. “Can’t nobody rob this many convenience stores,” he was quoted as saying by the AP. “Even if you robbed a joint a day, you’d only need like six pairs of hose. Get somebody to wash your hose,” Diddy said, “unless you telling me a brother’s afraid to wash his own hose.”
Other rappers, not present at the news conference due to scheduling conflicts, record label requirements, shoe contract restrictions, or long-standing blood feuds, lent their voices to the hose-recovery efforts. “West Coast, East Coast, H-Town brothers, from Slim Thug to B. Gizzle,” said multi-platinum record-seller Snoop Dogg, “we gotta stop collecting all these hose. It’s time to limit ourselves to like two or three hose a day. Damn, I ain’t even got any hose on now, and how you think I feel?”
Despite the unity of artists, from the trip-rap, ganster rap, party rap and even pop-rap factions, no one was predicting the hose-recovery effort would be easy, Mr. Z included. “Y’all got boxes and boxes of hose out there, and the Salvation Army won’t take them so don’t even try. But it’s important to send a message to the kids.”
Here Mr. Z trained his considerable charm on the cameras, knowing in his media-savvy way that all the rap world was watching. “Kids, enough is enough. I know it’s hard, cuz Jay Z’s been there. Sometimes these hose come right up to your door and start swimming in your pool and curling up in your various beds, and you’re thinking, ‘Damn, this is great, I got all these hose.’
“But let me tell you young brothers,” Mr. Z went on, “it ain’t worth it. One day you find some hose in your wallet. And these hose are nasty—so don’t be dippin, not even your big toe, in these broke ass hose.”
Mr. Diddy added, clearly moved, added, “Amen yo.”
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