Thursday, September 25, 2008

Bicyclist Thrown Under Bus

Dallas, TEXAS—In a move some in the tight-knit cycling community here are calling treacherous and selfish, area bicyclist Todd Schramm, 26, was thrown under the bus this morning. The incident occurred downtown, the bus in question a Dallas Area Rapid Transit local, the 39. Schramm, shown at left on his way to the meeting where the throwing-under would occur, was too in shock to comment.

However, witnesses on the scene recognized the treachery for what it was. According to Ed Phelps, 52, an IT professional, “I’ve seen it happen a million times. You think everything’s going smoothly and everyone’s on the same page, then bam—your face is crunched under half a ton of public transit.”

Witness Carla Thomas, 32, a marketing supervisor, agreed. “I feel for the guy,” Thomas said. “Just yesterday on a conference call my boss blamed me for budget numbers he authorized last month. ‘Carla’s going to have to take another look on our end,’ was what he said. What a dick. I can still taste the tire treads on that one.”

Investigators are unsure who exactly threw Schramm under the bus, but initial post-mortem reports seem indicate motorist Marcy Terrin, 42, a landscaper. “I did what I had to do to get where I needed to go,” said Terrin. “The bank.” She declined further comment.

Bike messenger Marcus Finney, 27, regularly waved to Schramm and announced that cars, pedestrians, and cyclists are supposed to work together “to make this downtown scene as copasetic as possible. We shouldn’t be playing these head games. Doesn’t anyone understand loyalty anymore, or checking their rearview mirror?”

Schramm, still clinging to his Bianci fixed-gear as well as a crooked no parking sign that the bus pushed him into and on top of, was unavailable for comment.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

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