Thursday, August 28, 2008

Dems: Yes We Can Remind You How Lonely You Are

DENVER—In a historic moment with nationwide repercussions, Barack Obama tonight accepted his party’s nomination for president of the United States while you watched alone. Obama not only gave perhaps the best political speech ever given but also simultaneously revealed exactly how lonely and devoid of human connection your life is.

With tens of thousands of supporters cheering at Invesco Stadium and millions tuning in by television and internet, Senator Obama forcefully defended his experience to be commander in chief as well as attacked his rival’s supposed strengths on a night where you were home doing nothing and with no one calling you on the phone to tell you what an amazing moment it was. If only you were politically active, or active in any other way.

But no. Even Stevie Wonder’s joy-infused performance didn’t engender a shout-out your direction, despite the fact that you love Stevie Wonder but had no idea he was performing because you were making yourself a grilled cheese sandwich.

You, shown at left about to be lonely this weekend at the lake, also had no one calling to ask how proud you are of this country for hoisting the first African American into such national political spotlight. Instead, you had Doritos, and a banner ad on your laptop for girls who want to have sex tonight in Cincinnati, Ohio, where you don't even live.

Critics on the political left and right agreed that you are so, so lonely and not even part of this great political movement. “Plenty of action happening tonight,” said Anderson Cooper, host of CNN’s “best political team on television” election coverage. “So many guys must be getting laid tonight on account of the ‘si se puede’ spirit electrifying this nation.” Mr. Cooper added that anyone not forming a human bond tonight, political, physical, or otherwise, must be “completely unlovable on a scale we haven’t seen since the Blue Dog Democrats defected en masse from Walter Mondale to Ronald Reagan.”

You are really, really lonely, sources vaguely close to you said.

Remember that time in high school when you rode your ten speed over to Dawn Jensen’s house because you heard she put out? She didn’t put out for you, did she? No, she said you were too nice a guy, and that it wouldn’t be right, and that she liked you as a friend. Friendly you ended up biking home in the rain—remember that? Well tonight’s speech, igniting a national movement for change unifying so many disparate elements of the electorate, was so much more damaging to your sense of self-worth.

You are totally alone, witnesses said. Also, you dress oddly and don’t mix well in groups. In Denver, host of the Democratic National Convention and site of so much partying, bonding, one-night-standing, and general wowing each other’s socks off with love and affection, you wouldn’t even know anyone. You’d be all like, “si yo puedo,” by yourself in a corner.

Insiders, who spoke on condition of anonymity because of not wanting to hurt your feelings, agreed. Everyone loves Barack Obama and doesn’t love you, they all said unanimously.

While the election is far from over, as Republicans from across the country stream into St. Paul, Minnesota, to have their own convention cum hook-up party, you certainly won’t be a part of any of it. In fact, you will watch that one alone as well. Do you have enough beer to salve the pain of this loneliness? That was the question on everyone’s lips as the political season moved into a truly competitive landscape tonight.

You should probably not even vote this year, it was agreed by a cross-section of Americans tonight. Sit there and think about that quietly, they added. Someplace where we can’t hear your whimpering.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this sad, sad story.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

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