Beijing, China—In a fountain-side ceremony in a W Hotel courtyard here today, official results for the men’s sexathon were announced. The multi-day, multi-venue contest is the last medal awarded in the Olympic games and was widely assumed to belong to the powerhouse Brazilians. But in what may well be the upset of the games, it was a disciplined, well-trained German team who claimed gold.
The bronze medal was awarded to the Italians, who made history by including a disabled man on their team—the suave, one-legged Paulo Fantini. But the story of this sex challenge remains the overconfidence of the Brazilians, shown at left sulking sexily after their loss, who were seen in discotheques late at night before early morning performances. Rumors have also swirled regarding judge-seduction, Cialis doping, and even violations of the hidden anal stimulation ban.
The six-event sexathon is held throughout the games in numerous of locales, including beneath the bleachers at the National Indoor Stadium, in the locker room of the Beijing Workers’ Gymnasium, in the sand pits of Chaoyang Park Beach, and in various pools across the city. Judging consists of ten criteria, most importantly timing, concern for partner's pleasure, orgasm face, artistic expression, accent, and of course degree of difficulty. It is that last criterion that many believe put the Germans over the top, thanks to team captain Gunter Schmidt’s newly minted “shvassbinder” move—sure to be a staple in the 2012 games.
The Brazilians—shown at left in 2004 celebrating Athens gold—appeared devastated to be settling for silver. Smoking hand-rolled cigarettes and weeping behind sunglasses, they received the news with pleading, heart-pounding, and cries of “It can not be!” Team member Rodrigo even made to drown himself in the hotel fountain before being restrained by members of the media.
Order was soon restored, and the Brazilians, who lost to the Germans by only .73 points, graciously congratulated their rivals, promising a spirited rematch in 2012. “I will practice like never before, day and night,” promised Rodrigo. “Mostly night.”
Even in celebration, the German team was much more reserved. “I am very proud,” said Schmidt. “I have been working for this since a little boy I was.” Schmidt, whose wife and mother were present at each of his performances, is a favorite to become top sexer in the world. Perhaps his wife, Alexi Brunner, summed it up when she said of Gunter's high-risk, high-reward shvassbinder: “He nailed it!”
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