Altoona, PENNSYLVANIA—I’m not going to vote for Barack Obama, but before I tell you why I want to make clear that I’m not a racist. My goodness no! I don’t see color in any way, except maybe rainbows, and besides if you knew me you’d know I’m the furthest from the Klan-loving fear-mongers out there. Actually, if you must know, some of my best friends are black presidential candidates.
Why, just the other day I had lunch with my good friend Alan Keyes. We first met at the YMCA when he busted my hump out on the squash court. We’ve had a friendly rivalry ever since. We speak freely and respectfully about all kinds of things, like how much immigrants are ruining this country with their bodegas, roasted corn, and low-cost clean services. Just thinking of Alan makes me giggle.
See, how could I be racist? Even my new pen pal Cynthia McKinney agrees—I met her while on vacation in a Berkeley coffee shop, and when I got home I immediately wrote to compliment her English. I kept a photocopy of that letter, in case you’d like to see it.
I also happen to be very good friends with Lenora Fulani. Didn’t see that coming, did you? I dabble in psychoanalysis from time to time, especially with the wife, and Lenora and I met while I was doing some research at Brown University. We get together for scones and shoot the breeze, mostly shop talk about how badly minorities need psychotherapy. Hint hint, Senator Obama.
Also, I was in the same movie theater with Al Sharpton once.
Now that you know I am no racist, you will understand that my vote for John McCain has nothing to do with race. No way! Get that racist stuff away from me.
No, I’m voting for John McCain because I identify with him. He seems interested in the issues I am interested in, like Joes, robotic phones, and plumbing. I guess I just trust him more—not like Obama, who I’m afraid is out to get my wallet. Why, I’d be perfectly happy to have John McCain as a neighbor. I WISH I could afford one of his gated neighborhoods!
Also, when he stands up straight, Senator McCain is quite presidential. Unlike Senator Obama—for some reason that man looks angry all the time, like you’d better cross the street if you see him coming. Not that he wouldn’t make a good lower-level public servant—I’d hire him as a servant in a heartbeat!
So there it is. I’m going with my intuition, which is the way most people decide whom to vote for. And my intuition tells me John McCain all the way. And not because he’s the white candidate—because he’s the best white candidate.
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