Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Report: Someday Something Will Probably Sting You

Atlanta, GEORGIA—In a report issued today by the Centers for Disease Control, the nation’s top pain and suffering experts confirmed that somewhere, somehow, something will probably sting you before you die.

The report, widely expected yet still shocking, painted a stark picture of a sting-prone culture fundamentally lacking in sting awarenes. While the report gauged it “about 60% likely you will be stung, depending on where you live and how active you are,” more alarming is the breadth of stinging things included in the report’s findings.

“Everyone knows about bees, wasps, and jellyfish,” said Dr. J. Harlan Levy, chief stingentologist for Bnai Israel Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland, and co-author of the report. “And odds are, one of them will sting you.”

But, Dr. Levy cautioned, few of us are aware of the high prevalence in our lives of entities with equally painful stinging potential. Jalapenos, for instance. According the Dr. Levy, “you cut them up for a salsa and then go and take your contacts out, and bam—that stings like a sonofabitch.”

Among the report’s other lesser-known stinging entities are:

• Ants

• Electric eels

• Ground balls

• Curt emails

• Parental belts

• Fraternity paddles

• Nettles

• Sea nettles

• Undercover FBI agents

• Theater critics

• Forgetting your safe word

• Spilled hydrochloric acid for some reason

• Little icy bits in the wind

• Your conscience

• Band-Aid removals

• Unfortunate lemon juice

• Nurses

• Belief in the Cubs

“We should all be on guard against each of these hazardous annoyances,” Dr. Levy urged. “Unless you want to get stung. Which you probably will.” The report points to disproportional risk for minority groups, as well, such as African Americans and police mace, or Mexicans and rubber bullets.

Vigilance is key, agreed CDC Spokesperson Von Roebuck said. To illustrate his point, Roebuck offered a frightening scenario: “You’re sitting in an airport watching CNN while you wait to board a plane, and suddenly, out of nowhere and without any real reason at all, Anderson Cooper interviews Sting. Why would CNN do such a thing? What possible relevance or usefulness could there be for it? We don’t know, but there you have it. You’re stung.”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

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