Monday, November 3, 2008

Election Eve Rally Roundup

Obama: What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

Barack Obama exuded a frontrunner’s confidence today, telling a Virginia crowd that “nowhere in history is there any event that even slightly suggests we won’t win this thing.” The Democrat then told the huge crowd of supporters, estimated at 100,000 or more, to go and vote if they could find the time but not to break their backs about it, and then to “get home and chill that champagne, cuz it’s in the bag people.”

McCain: Fine, I Don’t Want It Anyway

Republican John McCain told a Florida crowd today that if the country was going to be that way he would just go home then, and that “I was just faking all along that I even wanted it.” McCain told the seemingly stunned crowd that if they loved Obama so much why didn’t they just marry him and have six kids and live in the White House happily ever after? “Yep,” McCain wrapped up his speech, “I’m right where I want to be: angry, bitter, and headed home for a nap.”


Biden: Obama “Sho Is” the Best Candidate

Saying he has particular respect for how Obama “treated his grandmammy,” Biden praised the Illinois Senator as his “brother from another mother” and said an Obama/Biden White House would be no jive, very clean and well-spoken, and shit, dog.


Palin: Even the King of France Agrees

Republican Vice-Presidential candidate told an Ohio crowd that she had talked with the King of France, that he was really very nice, and that he agreed Obama was a socialist terrorist. “That nice king called all the way from Montreal to speak his mind,” Governor Palin said to the cheering crowd. “Kinda makes ya, you know, think a little, huh?”


Guilliani: 3 + 6 = 9, and You Know What 9 Goes With!

Former New York mayor and McCain supporter Rudy Guilliani fired up a Pennsylvania rally this morning with a strong national security message. “I was in a 7-11 today,” Guilliani said, “and boy you add 2 to that 7? With Obama in the White House? No sir.”


Hilary Clinton: There Could Still Be an Assassination

Mrs. Clinton told a Wisconsin rally she was “just saying” that some nutjob could get at Obama, and then, you know, the sound of that tragedy would be like 18,000,000 cracks in the glass ceiling crashing down. “It might even come after the election, and I could get the 3 A.M. call. Brrrrrring brrrrring.” The Senator then looked over her notes a moment, reached beneath the podium, and produced a flask. “Crown Royal anyone?”


Al Franken: It’s Not About Me or My Balls

Minnesota’s Democratic challenger, facing down a feisty incumbent Norm Coleman as well as a surprisingly strong independent Dean Barkley, said at the race’s final debate last night, “It’s about the middle class, not about why Senator Coleman’s hands are massaging my balls.” Franken, the former comedian turned political activist, added that “Homo says what?” To which Coleman replied, “What?”


Ted Stevens: Alaskans Must Unite Against Outsiders by Drinking from the Jug That’s Being Passed Around

Alaska Senator and convicted felon Ted Stevens told a passionately adoring crowd that “the signs are at hand, and outsiders are approaching in their helicopters.” The senator’s speech, broadcast over the state’s loudspeaker system, urged Alaskans to make one final act of defiance and take a big drink from the jug that that would be coming their way soon enough. “Mothers,” the Senator said, “don’t cry, don’t make it worse for your children. Be strong to that we can do this together. Uncle Ted commands you!”


Elizabeth Dole: I Put the ‘God’ in ‘Godless’

The Republican incumbent senator stepped up her criticism of challenger Kay Hagan, citing alleged backdoor meetings and money transfers between Hagan and a PAC known as Godless Americans. Dole told a small rally that “she knows where God belongs—in every headline across North Carolina, right before the word ‘less.’” Mrs. Dole said “Godless godless godless, so godless godless. Kay Hagan godless godless.”


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