Opinion: I Scream You

Your House, YOUR STATE—Okay, listen up. Here’s how this thing’s going to go down. I scream you. I scream you awake. I scream you pick me up. I scream you hold me. I scream you put me down.

PICK ME UP PICK ME UP PICK ME UP! What were you thinking? Remind me to scream you about that later.

I scream you no apparent reason. You’d like a reason, wouldn’t you? Well there is none. But I scream you anyway.

I scream you my binky. I scream you put it in my mouth. There, was that so hard.

Ope, binky fell out. Did you see the GODDAM BINKY FELL OUT? What kind of parent are you? Can’t keep a binky in a baby’s mouth.

I’m hot. I’m HOTTTTTTTTTTTTT! And I MIGHT BE HUNGRY!

You need to do something here. I won’t even tell you what it is. Fucking do it! Do this thing now! This mystery thing must be done NOWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Hold on, I need to breathe.

Okay, now, now, NOW WHERE WAS I? Oh yes, screaming you.

Did you check my diaper? You should check it. Don’t sniff it. CHECK IT! CHECK MY DIAPER! But that’s not the problem. Oh no. You have no fucking idea what the problem is. I scream you now. I SCREAM YOU TO DO SOMETHING!

Make your head hurt? Raise your blood pressure? I screamed both them.

I don’t want to eat. I scream you to TAKE THIS NIPPLE AWAY! I scream you. I totally scream you right now to take this nipple away.

I scream you deadly diseases. I scream you colic and croup and acid reflux. I scream you lazy eye and I scream you to the ER. I scream you fever and reactions to the vaccinations you gave me, for which I also screamed you.

Okay, I was hungry after all. Now I want to sleep. Yes, I will sleep. Why don’t you trust me? Put me down in the bassinet. There, I’ll just lay here. Now, now guess what.

I SCREAM YOU GET ME OUT OF THIS BASSINET! Did you hear that through the monitor? Did you hear me scream you?

I scream you all night, if I have to. I scream you to the whiskey bottle. I scream your neighbors to child social services.

And then there’s tomorrow. Oh yes, I scream you tomorrow too.

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