Up North, Minnesota—A weekend-long bachelor party up here finally hit that moment when things get awkward and everyone just wants to be home with their wives or girlfriends, it was reported today.
The awkwardness began, finally, during casual morning conversation, which began at roughly 2:45 P.M. on the second day of the two-day bacchanal. Attendee Matt “Mitch” Pearson indicated he had a busy week ahead, with all the planning he and his wife had yet to do for an upcoming camping trip. This information prompted another attendee, Jeff Oren, to ask, “Dude, you’re married?”
“It was almost a relief,” said attendee Steve Mansen. “That kind of awkwardness just hanging out there, it weighs on you, and then when it comes, it’s like, okay, that’s awkward.” Asked to explain, Mansen described in scant detail Mr. Pearson's shenanigans the night before, especially those with two young women at a bar the party had patronized for karaoke.
Despite the potential derailing effect of such a moment, party organizer Lou Tarkenson was prepared with a checklist of "emergency" diversionary responses. Among the list were the following:
• Commenting on the current ratio of beer-drinkers vs pussies.
• Recent Sasquatch reports on CNN.
• “Let’s not dither about who’s married and who’s not.”
• A $100 challenge to eat the leftover raw hamburger.
• “At the end of the day, who hasn’t lured a young woman outside the bar and then stuck his hands down her shorts?”
• Porn. Porn is good.
• “Wife shmife, it’s a bachelor party.”
• Comparing iPhone signals.
• Tattoos: where and what?
Tarkenson’s efforts paid off. The party overcame the awkwardness, witnesses agreed, by 5:00 that afternoon, when Tarkenson himself vomited the raw hamburger. Much later, however, he lost his $100 playing roulette at the casino, and all agreed this cleared the air of any and all awkwardness. “Oh yeah,” Mr. Oren assented. “Ain’t no awkward now! Gonna get crunked up!”
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