Stuff in Water

Danbury, Wisconsin—There is an amazing amount of stuff in the water, it was reported today. The intriguing scientific discovery was made lakeside after several moments of observation, and confirmed via independent testing.

Whereas previously it was believed that water was pretty much water, with maybe some fish and some algae or whatever, the discovery confirms that there is so much more to it than that. Of the stuff found in the water, there was the expected, but also a few surprises. A partial list of the stuff was released today, though observers caution that it will be years before any of this stuff could be found useful, or even memorable.

Here’s a sampling of some of the stuff discovered:

• Little leaves

• Spittle

• Clusters of tiny white balls that could be some kind of egg

• Shadows

• Bigger leaves

• Minnows we think, might be just small fish

• Rocks

• Last night’s Swisher Sweets wrapper

• Twine

• Infection

• Carl

• Canoes

• ’n shit

• Docks and dock hardware

• Jessica Alba fantasy

• Salvation

• Temporarily clean feet

• Itch

• Youth

• Sand, like an incredible amount of sand

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