Crocs Identify Boy, 4, as Homosexual

Oak Park, New Jersey—A small section of this Chicago suburb was buzzing today with the news that 8-year-old Jeremy Taft’s favorite color was pink and that he would be a lifelong homosexual accordingly.

The boy, known affectionately on this affluent, tree-lined block as “J.T.,” returned from a shopping trip with his mother, Mary Jo Pederson, proudly displaying his new “Crocs” brand sandals, which were pink, a color J.T. loves like any gay child would. Pederson, 32, reportedly had no idea that this preference would doom her son to neighbor-imposed homosexuality, starting that very afternoon. “I just wanted him to pick the Crocs he would actually wear,” she said. Sobbing, she added, “I’m a terrible mother.”

Neighbor Joseph Francis was first to notice J.T.’s strong affinity for the shade of color between red and white, according to witnesses on the scene. “I’m as liberal as the next guy,” Francis was quoted as saying, “but the kid was just like, ‘I love my pink Crocs.’” Francis added, “Gayty gay gay.”

Longtime block club leader Sylvia Magnuson, who declined to give her age, was uneasy with the correlation of the color pink and J.T.’s nascent sexuality. “He’s just a kid who likes pink,” she said. Still, when pressed on the issue, she agreed J.T. probably would in fact turn out to be a homosexual. “But it’s not the pink Crocs,” she said. “It’s his love of theater.”

Experts disagree as to whether or not a child of 4 can be any kind of sexual at all, hetero or homo. Recent research is making headway, however. The Center for Study of Child Gayness, located in West Palm Beach, Florida, last month issued a policy statement suggesting that pink was a "strong indicator of precocious gayness." "Especially in footwear," the study added.

J.T. himself was quoted only as saying he was “Awesome,” and also was a “Big feathery bird,  you can't catch me.”

“Feathery bird?” Francis commented from his front porch. “We love him just the same.”

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