Newsmaker News: GOP

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Friday, September 5, 2008

GOP Convention Highlights

St. Paul, MINNESOTA—On this last day of the Republican National Convention, amidst the ebbing celebration and reinvigorated party faithful, Newsmaker News brings you a few of the week’s highlights.

• Heightened safety: thanks to heart-detection devices, the convention was free of the fear that it would be infiltrated by people with hearts.

• American hats: in deference to the suffering on the Gulf Coast, delegates wore their American hats first, their Republican hats second, and their ass hats when out on the town.

• Gulf Coast care packages: delegates volunteered to package relief items for Gustav victims, including bottled water, prayers, tax breaks, and bootstraps.

• Sarah Palin’s son-in-law-to-be: GOP leadership cleaned up Levi Johnston, put a blazer on him, and made it perfectly clear that there was no way in hell the kid would ever be seceding from this particular union.

• Economic distress addressed: concrete strategies for dealing with American’s economic anxieties were addressed, taped up, and mailed COD to “Whinyville, USA.”

• Mike Huckabee rocks: enjoying some nightlife at a Minneapolis bar, Governor Huckabee joined the band to sing “Born to Be Wild” then proceeded to actually fire all his guns at once, injuring seven people.

• Hookers and Blow concert: the Minneapolis party-music institution had its largest crowd ever, thanks to throngs of delegates unaware it was just the band's name.

• Protesters: urine-throwing Anarchists upstaged an otherwise pointless protest.

• Sarah Palin’s feisty acceptance speech: Governor Palin hit a home run, even her critics agreed, by getting downright nasty in every male delegate’s mind for the entire length of her speech and again later that night in hotel rooms across the Twin Cities.

• Joe Lieberman praises McCain: the independent Democrat defied his party by addressing the largest collection of goyim outside Idaho.

• Rage Against the Machine: never happened.

• Michelle Bachman: the 3^rd District Minnesota Congresswoman gave the speech of her life, defending McCain running mate Sarah Palin with a rousing refrain of “I’d tap that.”

• Awww: an old man told some stories.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for no more convention coverage.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

RNC Update: GOP Energy Plan Unveiled

St. Paul, MINNESOTA—With global warming increasingly threatening and energy prices on the rise, Republicans today unveiled a new energy plan that they believe will guide American into the future. Here’s a breakdown of the plan's components:

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

GOP Vows Gulf Coast Solidarity for Next Day or So

St. Paul, MINNESOTA—In the midst of a difficult election season and apprehension over John McCain’s vice-presidential pick, delegates here at the Republican National Convention took time to reassure Gulf Coast hurricane victims that the GOP is doing everything it can for them over the next couple of days.

“We stand with the people of Louisiana, Texas, and Mississippi in their darkest hour,” party chair Ken Mehlman said in a statement, “or until Friday morning, whichever comes first.”

Promising care packages, fundraisers, even the waiving of convention fees so delegates can donate them to hurricane relief, the GOP stood united in their commitment to help the suffering Gustav victims through Thursday night’s acceptance speech by presumptive nominee John McCain.

Steve Pastor, a delegate from Akron, Ohio, echoed his party’s general sentiment when he said, “If you are a victim of Gustav, through the end of this week we will never forget you or let you down.” Pastor added that “we are the party of caring and quick, sure-handed action while gathered here in St. Paul.”

With buttons distributed saying “We Care Sept 1 – 4,” and with a general aura of decorum and sensitivity throughout the convention, Republicans seemed intent on unifying around a central message of response and caring within two days’ time.

Delegate Karen Kellster of Salina, Texas, was adamant that “No way are we [Republicans] going to be seen partying and whooping it up while Gulf Coast Americans are suffering.” She reiterated that until Friday, this suffering has no place in the GOP. “We really have to show our softer, more responsive caring side within the 3-day limit.”