Wicked Galveston Provokes God's Wrath

Galveston (what is left of it), TEXAS—Residents of this Gulfside tourist town are fearing the worst today after Hurricane Ike delivered a mighty blow to their wicked, wicked lives. In one of the largest theo-meteorological events ever recorded, Hurricane Ike caused building collapses, home loss, widespread flooding, power outages, and—with a Homeland Security prediction of “certain death” for those who remained on the island in violation of the mandatory evacuation order—a casualty  toll all but certain to rise over coming days. Galvestonians, shown at left with their depravity being literally halted in its tracks, experienced the punishment with awe, dismay, and remorse.

“We never heeded any almighty warnings about our cruise industry, our port, our oil rig heritage, or even our allowing the Moody National Bank to headquarter here,” said Mayor Lyda Ann Thomas. “Big mistake.”

God apparently agreed, sending 110 mile winds and a storm surge that easily topped the famous 17-foot Galveston Seawall. Flooding, mayhem, destruction, and comeuppance ensued.

With the 300-mile wide storm centering its eye, and God’s eye, directly over Galveston at about 4:00 A.M., it was clear the city was being singled out for its wickedness. Without any comment from God, however, the nation was left to wonder which wickednesses God was angriest at most. Among the contenders are white people, who are a majority on the island; burned children, who are treated at the Shriners Hospital in downtown Galveston; Victorian architecture, of which the city is rich in history; Republican Senators, since Kay Bailey Hutchinson was born there; or cruises, as Galveston is the top Gulf Coast cruise destination port.

It was also a possibility that—with Galveston named one of the top five hurricane-vulnerable cities in America by the Associated Press—God simply hates lack of preparation on the federal government’s part.

Among the other hated, punished populations in the world this week, as determined by acts of God and/or human error, are Moscow airline passengers, Los Angeles bus passengers, and Chinese mud-slide getters-in-the-wayers, of whom God chose 254 to send to hell for presumed muddy depravity and unclean wickedness.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Bush to Russians: Hands Off South Appalachia

Washington—With Vice President Dick Cheney visiting the area to show American support and solidarity, President Bush today issued a stern warning to Russia. “Mark my words,” the President said in a prepared statement “the Russian Federation will never include South Appalachia.”

The President, sounding vigorous and feisty in his waning term, reiterated how important the region is to America, strategically and culturally. “Whether it’s the Appalachian Trail, moonshine, or banjo music, Appalachia is as American is apple pie. Especially the south part,” the President added.

Refusing to grant Russia’s assertion that its recent invasion was performed to protect Appalachians, whom President Dmitry Medvedev claims have strong historical Russian ties, the President made clear that the entire area was off limits: “I don’t care if Georgia did incur into there—that’s between them and Tennessee. Last I looked, Tennessee’s on American soil.” The President added, “Appalachia too.”

The White House said President Bush will await Cheney’s return for a complete briefing before making any policy moves, though he made clear Russia should be punished for its misdeeds. He will also be touring the area to see any damage Russia caused. Press Secretary Dana Perino said Mr. Bush was hoping the great Smoky Mountains were unharmed, because Perino doesn’t have a nickname yet and the President seems intent on calling her “Smoky.”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking crisis.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.