Bush Considering Legacy

Washington, DC—According to sources inside the White House, President Bush is reportedly contemplating life after leaving office, and what kind of Legacy he will have. The sources, who wish to remain anonymous due to the sensitive personal nature of the president’s thoughts, are unanimous in their assertions that it is indeed the Legacy that Bush is looking into.

The sources, all close to the president’s post–White House plans, cite repeated online visits to Subaru.com and various musings by the president and his staff about the “image his Legacy will convey” and “not wanting to spend too much money.”

“The President asked me what kind of mileage I get with my Corolla,” one source reported. “And how much brush I could fit into the back seat, if I had some help from the Secret Service.” The source also said the President is “really excited about his Legacy. Karl [Rove]’s brother has one, and he really sees it as being appropriate, especially in this tough economy, when his 401k has really taken a hit.”

The only public acknowledgements of such thinking on behalf of the President came in a September press conference in which he referred to “needing to have head room and some zip, but not a gas guzzler. Something Laura would like. Yep, it’s looking like my Legacy is a go.”

The President, shown above browsing potential post-office vehicles on the White House south lawn, is reportedly leaning toward a black or silver Legacy, with a moon roof and perhaps mountain bike racks. “He really wants an iPod-compatible stereo too,” said an aide.

Sources were not sure the President’s preference as to manual versus automatic. “Probably automatic,” said one staffer. “That seems to be the way he operates best.”

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Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Treasury Buys Struggling Borders Stores

Ann Arbor, MICHIGAN—Calling the move “extensive, necessary, and urgent,” Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson announced that the government’s $700 billion bailout plan would move forward today with the purchase of struggling bookstore giant Borders Group, Inc. The purchase, intended to shore up an important facet of the commercial paper market, would make the government majority owner of the publicly traded company.

Speaking shortly after President Bush at a glittering mall Borders here, Secretary Paulson said that the security of Borders, “where you can get a nice latte and also a magazine if you want,” will calm jittery markets and inject confidence into an economy shaking with worry about everything, including books.

Mr. Bush also reiterated the need for calm and suggested Americans should take a long-term view of the American economy. “Don’t just buy a book and throw it away or hide it under your mattress,” the President said, “but rather keep it a while. It’s a book—put it on your bookshelf.” The President admitted he was not much of a reader but that he liked "that wizard kid," and books about eagles, “and Borders has plenty of all that, thanks to us.”

The Ann Arbor based book chain has over 1,100 stores and 30,000 employees worldwide, with consolidated sales over $3.8 billion. But recent rumors of a downward spiral sluggish sales, overextended growth, and fierce competition from Barnes and Noble have The government will reportedly pay $200 billion “for the whole shebang,” according to Paulson, “including the fixtures and the Coca-Cola machines.”

Asked about the price tag and the relevant worth of Borders as opposed to companies in the unsteady banking industry, Paulson responded that they can always return it within 30 days as long as Americans don’t damage too many books in the meantime or take them into the bathroom. “Plus,” the President added, “we just put it on the credit card—thanks, Congress.”

News of the “book bailout” sent the company’s stock price soaring to $5.02 a share. Company CEO George L. Jones, showing obvious relief, announced his resignation, adding that he “didn’t like books anyway” and that as his last official act he was trying to arrange a reading and signing for Paulson at the Washington, D.C. store.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Bush Offers Faith-Based Financial Recovery Package

Washington, DC—President Bush addressed a nervous nation last night, seeking to placate and alleviate rising concern about the economic crisis gripping the entire world. With 78% of the country now “worried” or “terribly worried” about the economic crisis, stemming from bad mortgage investments on the part of some formerly rock-solid companies now facing insolvency, the President outlined a bold, innovative faith-based recovery package.

“Our administration knows what to do,” Bush told the nation. “And we’re gonna do it. We are totally gonna do it. We just need Congress to give us the old go-ahead, and we will get right on it. Have faith, and pray your guts out,” he added.

Praising both his less-than-a-year-on-the-job Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson as well as widely acclaimed Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke—shown above transitioning the plan into action—President Bush sought both to calm nervous investors and project a sense of authority in the face of rising bipartisan criticism of his response to the crisis.

“We will do the right thing here,” the President said. “It’s all in our plan. At least, if you believe hard enough, it is.”

The President stopped short of calling critics of his plan “unbelievers” and “unpatriotic Obama supporters,” but he did strenuously endorse faith-based initiatives like those his government has hailed as the answer to everything from alleviating poverty to reconstructing Iraq. “God-willing, so sayeth the Lord.”

Some Democratic lawmakers were incredulous at what they called yet another power grab by an administration that has already expanded executive powers farther than any other president in history. “You’re telling me, with $700 billion on the line,” railed Vermont congressman Bernie Sanders, “we’re just supposed to accept whatever piece of paper the administration sends over because we’re so scared of causing another Great Depression, even though there’s no specifics at all and Henry Paulson’s decisions would be ‘not reviewable.’?”

“That’s exactly right,” said Mr. Bush. “That, and pray like hell.”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking crisis.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Bush to Russians: Hands Off South Appalachia

Washington—With Vice President Dick Cheney visiting the area to show American support and solidarity, President Bush today issued a stern warning to Russia. “Mark my words,” the President said in a prepared statement “the Russian Federation will never include South Appalachia.”

The President, sounding vigorous and feisty in his waning term, reiterated how important the region is to America, strategically and culturally. “Whether it’s the Appalachian Trail, moonshine, or banjo music, Appalachia is as American is apple pie. Especially the south part,” the President added.

Refusing to grant Russia’s assertion that its recent invasion was performed to protect Appalachians, whom President Dmitry Medvedev claims have strong historical Russian ties, the President made clear that the entire area was off limits: “I don’t care if Georgia did incur into there—that’s between them and Tennessee. Last I looked, Tennessee’s on American soil.” The President added, “Appalachia too.”

The White House said President Bush will await Cheney’s return for a complete briefing before making any policy moves, though he made clear Russia should be punished for its misdeeds. He will also be touring the area to see any damage Russia caused. Press Secretary Dana Perino said Mr. Bush was hoping the great Smoky Mountains were unharmed, because Perino doesn’t have a nickname yet and the President seems intent on calling her “Smoky.”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking crisis.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.