Bush Offers Faith-Based Financial Recovery Package

Washington, DC—President Bush addressed a nervous nation last night, seeking to placate and alleviate rising concern about the economic crisis gripping the entire world. With 78% of the country now “worried” or “terribly worried” about the economic crisis, stemming from bad mortgage investments on the part of some formerly rock-solid companies now facing insolvency, the President outlined a bold, innovative faith-based recovery package.

“Our administration knows what to do,” Bush told the nation. “And we’re gonna do it. We are totally gonna do it. We just need Congress to give us the old go-ahead, and we will get right on it. Have faith, and pray your guts out,” he added.

Praising both his less-than-a-year-on-the-job Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson as well as widely acclaimed Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke—shown above transitioning the plan into action—President Bush sought both to calm nervous investors and project a sense of authority in the face of rising bipartisan criticism of his response to the crisis.

“We will do the right thing here,” the President said. “It’s all in our plan. At least, if you believe hard enough, it is.”

The President stopped short of calling critics of his plan “unbelievers” and “unpatriotic Obama supporters,” but he did strenuously endorse faith-based initiatives like those his government has hailed as the answer to everything from alleviating poverty to reconstructing Iraq. “God-willing, so sayeth the Lord.”

Some Democratic lawmakers were incredulous at what they called yet another power grab by an administration that has already expanded executive powers farther than any other president in history. “You’re telling me, with $700 billion on the line,” railed Vermont congressman Bernie Sanders, “we’re just supposed to accept whatever piece of paper the administration sends over because we’re so scared of causing another Great Depression, even though there’s no specifics at all and Henry Paulson’s decisions would be ‘not reviewable.’?”

“That’s exactly right,” said Mr. Bush. “That, and pray like hell.”

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