Fannie and Fweddie, the Twue Stowy

Editor’s Note: As Mr. Crumbs has not been made available for further comment by his corporate and/or Bush Administration handlers, Newsmaker News is proud to bring the following verbatim transcript of his recent testimony before the Senate Banking Committee regarding the government takeover of mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.

 

Mr. Crumbs: Oh well, we twied. [blows horn] But it was good to get all those Amewicans into homes, wight? Of course it was!

Chairman Dodd: I think you are overlooking a major financial crisis here. Fannie and Freddie are the only entities shoring up the industry now, and they have really screwed it up so bad, the government has had to take them over.

Mr. Crumbs: I agwee! But the pwoblem here is not my haircut. It's the overwegulation! If Fweddie were wun more like a corpowation and less like a socialist experiment for Twotskyites, we’d be smoking cigars as we speak. [wiggles nose] Speaking of… [lights cigar. cigar blows up in face.]

[laughter from senators]

Mr. Crumbs: Oh well. See, we twied our hardest. It just didn't work. Now it's time to say we're sowwy. 

Chairman Dodd: Mr. Crumbs—

Mr. Crumbs: Please, call me Cwacker.

Chairman Dodd: Mr. Crumbs—

Mr. Crumbs: How about Cwumpitty? Can we agwee to call me Cwumpitty? Can we also agwee that an adjustable wate mortgate is just the thing you need to get into a nice condo, maybe in Arlington, where the taxes are low?

Chairman Dodd: Well, I have been looking—

[balloons and streamers drop. lights flash. Mr. Crumbs’s bow tie spins.]

Mr. Crumbs: Looking is the magic word! Evewyone should be looking.

Chairman Dodd: Everyone should be taking fiscal responsibility.

Mr. Crumbs: Fiscal wesponsibility is a wonderful thing. And another wonderful thing is a condo! You don't even need money! Because for a downpayment, we have tax payers. [to gallery] Wouldn’t you love to help Mr. Dodd get into a new condo, nice people? [blows horn]

[gallery applause]

Senator Shelby: You’re all right, Crumpitty Cracker Crumbs.

Mr. Crumbs: I twy. This is much easier than Enwon. That one was a tight wope to walk. [rises, ascends onto table, walks tight rope, falls with loud crashing sounds, possibly cymbals.]

[gallery gasps]

Chairman Dodd: Are you all right, Crumpitty?

Mr. Crumbs: I’m better than all right! I’m bailed out!

[Mr. Crumbs’s assistant wheelbarrows Mr. Crumbs out of hearing room.]

[gallery applause]

Senator Shelby: Movement to adjourn?

Chairman Dodd: Yeah, let’s do that. I got nothin’.

[adjournment]

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.

Reality Market Strengthens

WASHINGTON—Sales of existing homes continued to worry Wall Street in what analysts are calling a surging rebound in the nation’s reality market. Defying hopes that buyers would snap up deeply discounted properties in parts of the country hit hardest by the housing bust, the reality sector continues to surge.

Unsold properties hit an all-time high in July, the latest indication that the reality market’s remarkable skyrocket is far from over.

The National Association of Realitors reported Monday that home sales “were not good at all” and that “it looks like we’re in for a great ride through the rest of 2008.” Sales were 13.2 percent lower than a year ago and prices were down dramatically. The median price for a home sold in July dropped to $212,000, down by 7.1 percent a year ago. Inventory levels are being driven higher by a massive wave of mortgage foreclosures. Best yet, nobody seems to be betting their nest egg or refinancing for a new kitchen based on a mythical 10% year-over-year rise in property values—great news for reality across the country.

Analysts say that until the inventory level is reduced to more normal levels, the surge in the reality market is likely to persist.

Yet despite the sluggish sales and foreclosures, Chris Chen, the Realitor’s chief economist, was reluctant to conclude that the U.S. reality market in unstoppable.

“People are starting to take interest in lower prices,” Chen said, and there is “certainly enough stupidity, greed, and short-sightedness left in the system” to make home values rise again.

“And hey, when banks start offering refi’s again based on inflated price increases that haven’t even happened yet,” Chen said, there’s no telling how quickly consumers will turn back to realty for investment and general short-term foolishness. “When it comes to people’s money and reality, all bets are off.”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for updates on this breaking story.

Copyright © 2008 Newsmaker News.