Newsmaker News

Miami Beach Forecast: Steamy with a 70% Chance of Sexual Innuendo

2008-12-14T14:51:00.000-08:00

Miami, FLORIDA—At the start of the winter vacation frenzy, it appears the nation’s warm weather capital is complying with above-normal temperatures and high chances of comparisons to sexual activity.

“Takes your breath away,” said Jeff Berradelli, chief meteorologist for WFOR, Miami’s CBS affiliate. “Expect steamy beach action, and hot and heavy all weekend long.”

Herb McIntosh, Florida forecast specialist for the Weather Channel, agreed, gauging it “much more likely than not that a sexual innuendo will be made by Saturday afternoon, just in time for tourists to deplane and strip down for the fun.”

Not everyone was optimist for the sexually suggestive weather, however. Steve Mencheimer, of WLRN, Miami’s NPR station, suggested that all the hot weather talk of was “a little premature.” In his blog, Sunny Daze, Mencheimer advised that, while it’s possible to see some really steamy beach weather in time for the tourist rush, “I wouldn’t be surprised if the day droops and dumps some cold water on everyone’s party.”

Miami’s Cubano forecasters were much more optimistic. Reported El Cid, on-air weather personality for WXDJ El Nuevo Zol, “Ayyyyyyyyyy! Que rico esto sol en mis pantalones!”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more breaking weather stories.

Report: Someday Something Will Probably Sting You

2008-12-10T10:39:00.000-08:00

Atlanta, GEORGIA—In a report issued today by the Centers for Disease Control, the nation’s top pain and suffering experts confirmed that somewhere, somehow, something will probably sting you before you die.

The report, widely expected yet still shocking, painted a stark picture of a sting-prone culture fundamentally lacking in sting awarenes. While the report gauged it “about 60% likely you will be stung, depending on where you live and how active you are,” more alarming is the breadth of stinging things included in the report’s findings.

“Everyone knows about bees, wasps, and jellyfish,” said Dr. J. Harlan Levy, chief stingentologist for Bnai Israel Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland, and co-author of the report. “And odds are, one of them will sting you.”

But, Dr. Levy cautioned, few of us are aware of the high prevalence in our lives of entities with equally painful stinging potential. Jalapenos, for instance. According the Dr. Levy, “you cut them up for a salsa and then go and take your contacts out, and bam—that stings like a sonofabitch.”

Among the report’s other lesser-known stinging entities are:

• Ants

• Electric eels

• Ground balls

• Curt emails

• Parental belts

• Fraternity paddles

• Nettles

• Sea nettles

• Undercover FBI agents

• Theater critics

• Forgetting your safe word

• Spilled hydrochloric acid for some reason

• Little icy bits in the wind

• Your conscience

• Band-Aid removals

• Unfortunate lemon juice

• Nurses

• Belief in the Cubs

“We should all be on guard against each of these hazardous annoyances,” Dr. Levy urged. “Unless you want to get stung. Which you probably will.” The report points to disproportional risk for minority groups, as well, such as African Americans and police mace, or Mexicans and rubber bullets.

Vigilance is key, agreed CDC Spokesperson Von Roebuck said. To illustrate his point, Roebuck offered a frightening scenario: “You’re sitting in an airport watching CNN while you wait to board a plane, and suddenly, out of nowhere and without any real reason at all, Anderson Cooper interviews Sting. Why would CNN do such a thing? What possible relevance or usefulness could there be for it? We don’t know, but there you have it. You’re stung.”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Opinion: I Scream You

2008-12-02T18:57:00.000-08:00

Your House, YOUR STATE—Okay, listen up. Here’s how this thing’s going to go down. I scream you. I scream you awake. I scream you pick me up. I scream you hold me. I scream you put me down.

PICK ME UP PICK ME UP PICK ME UP! What were you thinking? Remind me to scream you about that later.

I scream you no apparent reason. You’d like a reason, wouldn’t you? Well there is none. But I scream you anyway.

I scream you my binky. I scream you put it in my mouth. There, was that so hard.

Ope, binky fell out. Did you see the GODDAM BINKY FELL OUT? What kind of parent are you? Can’t keep a binky in a baby’s mouth.

I’m hot. I’m HOTTTTTTTTTTTTT! And I MIGHT BE HUNGRY!

You need to do something here. I won’t even tell you what it is. Fucking do it! Do this thing now! This mystery thing must be done NOWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Hold on, I need to breathe.

Okay, now, now, NOW WHERE WAS I? Oh yes, screaming you.

Did you check my diaper? You should check it. Don’t sniff it. CHECK IT! CHECK MY DIAPER! But that’s not the problem. Oh no. You have no fucking idea what the problem is. I scream you now. I SCREAM YOU TO DO SOMETHING!

Make your head hurt? Raise your blood pressure? I screamed both them.

I don’t want to eat. I scream you to TAKE THIS NIPPLE AWAY! I scream you. I totally scream you right now to take this nipple away.

I scream you deadly diseases. I scream you colic and croup and acid reflux. I scream you lazy eye and I scream you to the ER. I scream you fever and reactions to the vaccinations you gave me, for which I also screamed you.

Okay, I was hungry after all. Now I want to sleep. Yes, I will sleep. Why don’t you trust me? Put me down in the bassinet. There, I’ll just lay here. Now, now guess what.

I SCREAM YOU GET ME OUT OF THIS BASSINET! Did you hear that through the monitor? Did you hear me scream you?

I scream you all night, if I have to. I scream you to the whiskey bottle. I scream your neighbors to child social services.

And then there’s tomorrow. Oh yes, I scream you tomorrow too.

Stay tuned for more Newsmakers Speak commentaries.

Area Freelance Copywriter Passionate About Branding, Check Cashing

2008-11-26T17:33:00.000-08:00

Chicago, ILLINOIS—It was reported today that local freelance Chad Ferrier, 32, was gaining both acclaim and notoriety at advertising agencies across this city for his equal passions of copywriting and check cashing. Many clients of the one-time Senior Copywriter at RR Donnelley speak of him as both “relentless in his pursuit of excellence for your brand” and “a guy you can count on to cash your check the day he gets it in the mail.”

The attention is generating industry buzz. Yet it’s also causing Ferrier, shown at left engrossed in his work, a fair amount of distress, sources close to the advertising superstar are saying. “His home life is suffering,” said Paulette Wilson, account supervisor for Killian and Company and someone close to Ferrier. “He’s always either honing copy, or headed to the bank.”

Ferrier is known for his insightful, market-savvy, and creative approach to copywriting and as the rare find in a freelancer—one who approaches the brands he is working on with the passion of an in-house writer. “He’s never satisfied with lackluster headlines or brand-shallow content,” said fellow freelancer Marc DuPont, a designer, “and he abhors direct deposit.”

Ferrier was quoted as saying only, “It’s what I do.”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Source: Borax to Lay Off 10 Mules

2008-11-26T16:47:00.000-08:00

Scottsdale, ARIZONA—The Dial Corporation, a subsidiary of Henkel International and producer of the beloved Twenty Mule Team Borax brand, will slice a critical division of its workforce in half, according to sources close to the company. The sources, who requested anonymity due to the sensitivity of the information, claim Dial has been devastated by a “perfect storm” of international credit woes, souring consumer confidence, and high grain prices leading to skyrocketing costs for mule feed.

Sources inside the layoff planning produced photos of the brainstorming process. One such photo, above, shows executives concepting a new version of the brand with its diminished workforce.

By the company’s own numbers, sales for the 100-year-old brand of borax detergent have been dim. But few were expecting such a sweeping corporate response. Neither Dial nor parent company Henkel North America offered comment. A hastily produced press release offered no insight, except to laud “our wonderful mules” and how Borax would never be the same without them. Cryptically, the press release noted that “our competitors on the whole have much fewer mules, some of them no mules at all.”

It was not immediately clear which mules would be let go, or if there would be a severance package. Henkel employs over 8,000 people in North America alone, at least some of them presumably wondering if they would be sharing the 10 mules’ fate.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Nation’s Poor Children Awaiting Obama Relief Trucks

2008-11-20T12:07:00.000-08:00

Chicago, ILLINOIS—Buoyed by the presidential election, millions of poor, disadvantaged, and hungry children are growing increasingly excited about the Obama relief effort surely underway to alleviate their suffering, aid groups who work with the urban poor said today. Children here in Obama’s hometown, as well as those in urban centers across the nation, are giddy from the election of a community organizer, an African-American, and a man whose family was once on food stamps. Though they admit that the giddiness could be from lack of nutrition, experts agree that the children are abuzz with news of food, aid, and opportunity.

“I heard Obama brought oatmeal and Kit Kats to Cabrini,” said Ricky Gates, 10, referring to the Chicago public housing Cabrini Green. “And the Kit Kats had golden tickets in them for everyone to go shopping for free!” Ricky, who lives in Chicago’s Southside, inferred it was only a matter of time before Obama got to him.

Another Chicago youth, Tyrel Amanadou, 11, declared that “ain’t no way” Senator Obama would get elected president and “not get us some help up in here.” Tyrel added that he was “still scared of Thug,” referring to a pit bull chained in the basement, and that he was sure Obama would do something about that situation too.

Marta Fairhouser, director of the Chicago food shelf First Resort, said she shares the children’s excitement. “Obama in the White House and children still going without? It’s unthinkable.” Fairhouser did acknowledge the children’s zeal might be premature. “It just might not come until inauguration day,” she said, “but the relief trucks are probably being stocked ahead of time so that on Jan 20, it’s go time.”

As for little Tyrel, he has big plans for himself that include “being president of something,” as soon as he gets himself a drug-free home, a decent place to go to school, and a bullet proof vest. “But it all begins with Obama,” he concluded, sitting in a chair where he can look out the window, where he plans to stay until the trucks arrive.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Opinion: I Could Steal Your Man for at Least Four or Five Days

2008-11-11T08:32:00.000-08:00

Don’t give me that look bitch. All fat and like 30, and hatin on my cleavage. My cleavage ain’t the problem here. What you doin at a Gnarls Barkley show anyway? Snackin, that’s what. So take your evil eye and better walk on home, or else. Because you know I could steal your man for at least four or five days.

Probably longer.

Men be men, and they like what I got and what you don’t. Like a dental hygiene degree from Metro Tech. Oh, and also my smoking hot Bally Fitness bod and tramp stamp right above my tight little ass. Where’s your tramp stamp? Probably on your forehead, from the girly magazine your husband has to lays over your face so he can do his business on you. Fact, honey: he’s lookin at someone who look just like me. Only not skanky.

Do you know what I could do for your man? I sure as hell ain’t gonna nag him and make him call me every ten minutes about the “honey do” list. Not unless on the “honey do” list is me. I’d be on top of the list, like I’d be on top of him.

He’d come like ten times in one night. That’s why he’d be back for at least three more nights. Then I don’t want his sorry ass around anyway—I just do it to show you who’s boss here: my wrinkle free stomach and pretty blue eyes and coal black hair and my little sexy nose.

I party, too, like your man used to before he met you and got chained to the kitchen sink. I’ll do a sex on the beach shot with him—then I’d do another, and this time hold the beach.

You know he’s lookin at me too. Even if he’s holdin your hand, and pretending to listen to you blab about why you feel fat—he’s still lookin at me, like when he takes a drink or says nothin’ botherin him. There is something bothering him—his chubby down in his pants from lookin at me. And that’s how I steal him, by just being sexy, which you can’t be.

Or I might just give him a handjob in the porta-potty.

You’ll be all cryin and screaming and making a scene. You’ll throw his stuff in the yard, but who you kiddin? You’ll take him back, but you’ll be sad for the rest of your life.

Well you shouldn’t have looked at me like that.

And even when he come home after I kick his sorry ass out, it won’t ever be the same for you. You’ll be all lookin at wedding pictures and wondering, “How could he do it?” Well, I’ll know how he did it, because I’ll be there—and he’ll be doin it to me. For four or five days straight.

And ain’t nothing you can do about it.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more opinion commentary.

McCain Camp Claims Upset Over Dewey!

2008-11-04T16:00:00.000-08:00

Prescott, ARIZONA—In what Senator John McCain is calling the “upset of the 20^th century,” his campaign is claiming victory tonight over longtime rival and former governor of New York, Thomas E. Dewey.

“We sure showed them what a comeback looks like,” said a beaming McCain in front of cheering crowd at his outdoor rally cum victory party. “In Chicago, they even printed up the newspapers putting me in the political graveyard. Not so fast!”

The upset was of monumental proportions, as no national or even state poll had McCain ahead of Dewey. It was as if the race was completely off the national media’s radar altogether.

McCain’s top campaign advisor, Steve Schmidt, was far from magnanimous in the victory. “The straight talk express does it again,” he told stunned reporters. “We got more votes than this guy, fair and square.”

In other national election news, Senator Barack Obama was well on his way to becoming the next president of the United States.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for no more breaking election coverage.

Election Eve Rally Roundup

2008-11-03T08:56:00.000-08:00

Obama: What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

Barack Obama exuded a frontrunner’s confidence today, telling a Virginia crowd that “nowhere in history is there any event that even slightly suggests we won’t win this thing.” The Democrat then told the huge crowd of supporters, estimated at 100,000 or more, to go and vote if they could find the time but not to break their backs about it, and then to “get home and chill that champagne, cuz it’s in the bag people.”

McCain: Fine, I Don’t Want It Anyway

Republican John McCain told a Florida crowd today that if the country was going to be that way he would just go home then, and that “I was just faking all along that I even wanted it.” McCain told the seemingly stunned crowd that if they loved Obama so much why didn’t they just marry him and have six kids and live in the White House happily ever after? “Yep,” McCain wrapped up his speech, “I’m right where I want to be: angry, bitter, and headed home for a nap.”

Biden: Obama “Sho Is” the Best Candidate

Saying he has particular respect for how Obama “treated his grandmammy,” Biden praised the Illinois Senator as his “brother from another mother” and said an Obama/Biden White House would be no jive, very clean and well-spoken, and shit, dog.

Palin: Even the King of France Agrees

Republican Vice-Presidential candidate told an Ohio crowd that she had talked with the King of France, that he was really very nice, and that he agreed Obama was a socialist terrorist. “That nice king called all the way from Montreal to speak his mind,” Governor Palin said to the cheering crowd. “Kinda makes ya, you know, think a little, huh?”

Guilliani: 3 + 6 = 9, and You Know What 9 Goes With!

Former New York mayor and McCain supporter Rudy Guilliani fired up a Pennsylvania rally this morning with a strong national security message. “I was in a 7-11 today,” Guilliani said, “and boy you add 2 to that 7? With Obama in the White House? No sir.”

Hilary Clinton: There Could Still Be an Assassination

Mrs. Clinton told a Wisconsin rally she was “just saying” that some nutjob could get at Obama, and then, you know, the sound of that tragedy would be like 18,000,000 cracks in the glass ceiling crashing down. “It might even come after the election, and I could get the 3 A.M. call. Brrrrrring brrrrring.” The Senator then looked over her notes a moment, reached beneath the podium, and produced a flask. “Crown Royal anyone?”

Al Franken: It’s Not About Me or My Balls

Minnesota’s Democratic challenger, facing down a feisty incumbent Norm Coleman as well as a surprisingly strong independent Dean Barkley, said at the race’s final debate last night, “It’s about the middle class, not about why Senator Coleman’s hands are massaging my balls.” Franken, the former comedian turned political activist, added that “Homo says what?” To which Coleman replied, “What?”

Ted Stevens: Alaskans Must Unite Against Outsiders by Drinking from the Jug That’s Being Passed Around

Alaska Senator and convicted felon Ted Stevens told a passionately adoring crowd that “the signs are at hand, and outsiders are approaching in their helicopters.” The senator’s speech, broadcast over the state’s loudspeaker system, urged Alaskans to make one final act of defiance and take a big drink from the jug that that would be coming their way soon enough. “Mothers,” the Senator said, “don’t cry, don’t make it worse for your children. Be strong to that we can do this together. Uncle Ted commands you!”

Elizabeth Dole: I Put the ‘God’ in ‘Godless’

The Republican incumbent senator stepped up her criticism of challenger Kay Hagan, citing alleged backdoor meetings and money transfers between Hagan and a PAC known as Godless Americans. Dole told a small rally that “she knows where God belongs—in every headline across North Carolina, right before the word ‘less.’” Mrs. Dole said “Godless godless godless, so godless godless. Kay Hagan godless godless.”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more breaking election coverage.

Ballot Initiative Roundup

2008-10-30T17:29:00.000-07:00

A Crapload of Places, US—The 2008 elections have engendered a saturated media environment obsessed with the presidential election and Democrats’ chances of picking up a filibuster-proof Senate. Lost in the blizzard of coverage are some very important ballot initiatives in several states. Here are some of the sometimes surprising issues voters will be deciding across the United States on November 4.

Idaho: Second Life Initiative

Gives unborn fetuses the right to bear arms.

Supporters: Men.

Chances of passing: 100%

Sticking points: Legal scholars uncertain if fetus has subsequent right to shoot abortion doctor in self-defense.

New Jersey: Proposition Threesomething

This controversial measure asks the state to have a three-way with the waitress. Only, you know, if you’re into it.

Supporters: Those really pushing their luck.

Chances of passing: Depends on how drunk state is.

Sticking points: Waitress known to have slept with Rhode Island.

Massachusetts: Proposition 69

Prop 69 is actually a measure to fund parks and trails restoration, with particular focus on the Berkshires, but neither proponents nor detractors seem to care.

Supporters: Both partners.

Chances of passing: Pleasurably high.

Sticking points: Much debate over whether “it actually works” or if “someone ends up with an awkward angle and can’t enjoy it.”

Arkansas: Measure 2

Measure 2 would tap state monies to fund education for the next ten years at levels guaranteed to keep class sizes limited to 25 students or fewer.

Supporters: Fuckin communists.

Chances of passing: Over many, many dead bodies.

Sticking points: We just gave those kids some money five fuckin years ago, plus the principals are all fags.

Ohio: Initiative 50/50

Locally called the “Split the Difference” Initiative, this measure would once and for all clear up all controversial social issues: Gays can marry but only after a 30-day waiting period to make sure they aren’t just doing it for the sex; abortions are legal in the first trimester but the woman must spend a night in a spooky house on the same block that a sexual predator lives on (the predator must give the block notice if he's going to attack the fetus); handguns are illegal except in the defense of semiautomatic weapons; affirmative action is banned except in professional sports; and taxes can be raised but only for education, and every affected child has to say a prayer in school first, and it has to be a real prayer, not just for ice cream or a Wii or something.

Supporters: Independents.

Chances of passing: Currently 50-50.

Sticking points: What would we get mad about anymore?

Oregon: Right to Lifetime Healthcare

A progressive initiative declaring that healthcare begins at conception.

Supporters: Wacky Portland liberals.

Chances of passing: Sickly.

Sticking points: Vague language might define life as a preexisting condition.

New York City: Measure 86 or the “Third Term Abortion” Initiative

This hastily prepared measure guarantees New Yorkers the right to end an incumbency in the third term.

Supporters: Those New Yorkers not represented by City Council.

Chances of passing: Bloombergian.

Sticking points: Incumbent too small for traditional dilation and extraction procedure.

Las Vegas: Proposition OK

The “Keep Everything As It Is” initiative makes sure nothing will change at all.

Supporters: Whores, escorts, exotic dancers, casino owners, pit bosses, business guys, bachelors and/or bachelorettes, Vinnie.

Chances of passing: Currently 12-1.

Sticking points: Anywhere semen can seep to, and also casino chairs.

New Mexico: Prop 10

This isn’t actually a ballot initiative, just a prop. New Mexicans would get a nice prop to have, perhaps a potted plant or desk lamp.

Supporters: Prop dealers.

Chances of passing: Given that New Mexico has nothing better to do, pretty good.

Sticking points: Placement of prop might affect state’s feng shui, which is VERY important to state’s ability to think clearly and just, you know, feel unified or whatever.

California: Marriage Proposition

Called the “Carla Please” initiative, this measure confirms the intentions of Carla Borghoff and Michael “Mikey” Chandler to get married.

Supporter: Mikey and the 15,000 people he tricked into thinking it had something to do with gays.

Chances of passing: Significantly better than last time Mikey proposed, at an Arby’s.

Sticking points: Carla’s currently dating an NBA player.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more breaking election coverage through the election.

Obama Campaign Picks Up Federal Bailout Tab

2008-10-30T17:25:00.000-07:00

Washington, DC—Saying “really, it’s okay, we’re flush this month” and “you got it last time,” presidential contender Barack Obama announced today that his campaign would pick up the tab for the government’s massive $700 billion economic bailout.

When the bailout bill arrived this morning, Obama was in Washington and, according to witnesses present at the table, Obama grabbed it and put his credit card down, saying “I got it.”

“We just appreciate being here with you, and all the hard work you've done,” Obama said later at a press conference here to publicly announce the generous move. “It’d really make me happy to treat you this time.”

Critics argue that Obama’s always picking up the tab, trying to look all magnanimous and cool. He even pays for his wife’s own clothes on the campaign, these critics point out. “It’s an act, don’t be fooled,” said RNC chair Mike Duncan.

Obama's rival John McCain agreed. “He’s measuring the drapes!” the Arizona Republican senator cried after hearing the news on the campaign trail.

Obama campaign spokesman Ben LaBolt said such criticism was all “nonsense.” Citing the impromptu, unplanned nature of the move, LaBolt said, “Here’s a guy who offers to pay for the largest bailout in history, and he gets criticized at for it? That’s rich. Richer than Obama by far.”

At the press conference, Obama was equally contrite about the move. Chided by a reporter, who asked “you can’t just pick up such a large tab on your credit card, can you?” Senator Obama replied, “Yes we can.”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Youth Culture in an Obama White House

2008-10-30T13:05:00.000-07:00

Washington, DC—If national and battleground polls are to be believed, Senator Barack Obama will be the next president of the United States, due in no small measure to the enthusiasm and support of young people. Youth culture, shown at left, has been omnipresent in the Obama campaign and is sure to continue during an Obama presidency. Newsmaker News gathered some political experts to examine how this youth focus will affect an Obama White House. The following are some of the changes expected:

White House tour guides to wear American Apparel tees and nothing else
NEA graffiti grants
Every bill sent to Congress updated with “2.0”
Anthem changed to Starz N Stripez
Oval Office "Red Phone" replaced with Skype
Cabinet meetings held in Second Life
Everything to be "Gone Wild"
Fireside Facebook chats
America to save cash by moving back in with Britain
Staff to travel Europe before beginning term
Air Force One booked via Orbitz
Recycling of cans, paper, and Clinton initiatives
White House to open TCF Bank checking account
Challenging Kremlin to Ultimate Frisbee game
Dave Mathews named Secretary of Chillaxin’
Washington Mall opened for skateboarding
Self protested
Waterboarding replaced with legal but even more tortuous "reading"
Stays in Lincoln Room auctioned on Craigslist
State of the Union speech moved to May, held on quad
Internet something or other
President’s Ball enlivened with glow sticks, ecstasy
Punctuation banned
Social Security benefit age lowered to 35
Sex. Lots and lots of sex.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more breaking election coverage.

Bush Considering Legacy

2008-10-26T13:02:00.000-07:00

Washington, DC—According to sources inside the White House, President Bush is reportedly contemplating life after leaving office, and what kind of Legacy he will have. The sources, who wish to remain anonymous due to the sensitive personal nature of the president’s thoughts, are unanimous in their assertions that it is indeed the Legacy that Bush is looking into.

The sources, all close to the president’s post–White House plans, cite repeated online visits to Subaru.com and various musings by the president and his staff about the “image his Legacy will convey” and “not wanting to spend too much money.”

“The President asked me what kind of mileage I get with my Corolla,” one source reported. “And how much brush I could fit into the back seat, if I had some help from the Secret Service.” The source also said the President is “really excited about his Legacy. Karl [Rove]’s brother has one, and he really sees it as being appropriate, especially in this tough economy, when his 401k has really taken a hit.”

The only public acknowledgements of such thinking on behalf of the President came in a September press conference in which he referred to “needing to have head room and some zip, but not a gas guzzler. Something Laura would like. Yep, it’s looking like my Legacy is a go.”

The President, shown above browsing potential post-office vehicles on the White House south lawn, is reportedly leaning toward a black or silver Legacy, with a moon roof and perhaps mountain bike racks. “He really wants an iPod-compatible stereo too,” said an aide.

Sources were not sure the President’s preference as to manual versus automatic. “Probably automatic,” said one staffer. “That seems to be the way he operates best.”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Opinion: Some of My Best Friends are Black Presidential Candidates

2008-10-23T08:49:00.000-07:00

Altoona, PENNSYLVANIA—I’m not going to vote for Barack Obama, but before I tell you why I want to make clear that I’m not a racist. My goodness no! I don’t see color in any way, except maybe rainbows, and besides if you knew me you’d know I’m the furthest from the Klan-loving fear-mongers out there. Actually, if you must know, some of my best friends are black presidential candidates.

Why, just the other day I had lunch with my good friend Alan Keyes. We first met at the YMCA when he busted my hump out on the squash court. We’ve had a friendly rivalry ever since. We speak freely and respectfully about all kinds of things, like how much immigrants are ruining this country with their bodegas, roasted corn, and low-cost clean services. Just thinking of Alan makes me giggle.

See, how could I be racist? Even my new pen pal Cynthia McKinney agrees—I met her while on vacation in a Berkeley coffee shop, and when I got home I immediately wrote to compliment her English. I kept a photocopy of that letter, in case you’d like to see it.

I also happen to be very good friends with Lenora Fulani. Didn’t see that coming, did you? I dabble in psychoanalysis from time to time, especially with the wife, and Lenora and I met while I was doing some research at Brown University. We get together for scones and shoot the breeze, mostly shop talk about how badly minorities need psychotherapy. Hint hint, Senator Obama.

Also, I was in the same movie theater with Al Sharpton once.

Now that you know I am no racist, you will understand that my vote for John McCain has nothing to do with race. No way! Get that racist stuff away from me.

No, I’m voting for John McCain because I identify with him. He seems interested in the issues I am interested in, like Joes, robotic phones, and plumbing. I guess I just trust him more—not like Obama, who I’m afraid is out to get my wallet. Why, I’d be perfectly happy to have John McCain as a neighbor. I WISH I could afford one of his gated neighborhoods!

Also, when he stands up straight, Senator McCain is quite presidential. Unlike Senator Obama—for some reason that man looks angry all the time, like you’d better cross the street if you see him coming. Not that he wouldn’t make a good lower-level public servant—I’d hire him as a servant in a heartbeat!

So there it is. I’m going with my intuition, which is the way most people decide whom to vote for. And my intuition tells me John McCain all the way. And not because he’s the white candidate—because he’s the best white candidate.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more “Newsmakers Speak” commentaries.

Opinion: I Hate Painting

2008-10-16T08:49:00.000-07:00

God I hate painting so much it’s like the worst thing ever. I don’t hate building a little two-legged table for the dog, nor do I hate cooking meals for people or even cleaning up meals. I don’t hate drywall, nor floor refinishing, nor building a new bathroom from scratch. I don’t hate hanging pictures or wall hangings, nor doing designs on the computer and printing them out on the printer and then buying more ink for the printer. No, I don’t hate any of those things, and many more things I could name too. Like cleaning toilets and putting out ant traps, and cleaning the ants from the dog food bowl which, until I built a table for it, sat on the floor like an ant buffet.

No, I don’t hate any of those things, but I fucking hate fucking painting.

I hate that little crust of paint that forms around the lids once you’ve opened a can and put the lid back on. Is it wet or dry, that little crust? Let me fucking tell you, it’s always wet!

I hate the sound of the rollers. Why do we put up with this shit? It’s like a squeegee stuck into a pig’s gut, and the pig squeals and the squeegee squeegees up his guts as he’s squealing and it sounds like fucking painting.

And how come the fucking radio never works right when you’re painting? You’re going to deny me Rico and Suave in the Morning on top of the pain of painting? Fuck you.

Tape’s supposed to make it better, but what the hell? The tape always pulls off part of the old paint job, even if the old paint job was like two days ago. That leaves splotches in the corners of the ceiling, and you know how you have to deal with that? Do you? More fucking painting. It fucks you one way, this paint thing, then it fucks you the other way too.

I went to buy the paint, which I don’t hate so much because when I go I get to buy beer too, it’s the rule. And they have at the hardware store this thing that you can give them your phone number and they will enter into the computer what paint you bought and what room it was for so that if you need the paint again, you don’t have to drag the wet lid in or have it matched or be a total fucking Martha Stewart and just remember. So that’s nice, except that when I needed another can, did they have our paint in ther? I had to call home and ask what color it was. Primavera. Prima fucking vera. So now, I hate the fucking hardware store part of painting too.

Oh, and I hate painting without tape, too. Even if you go slow, you see it. I am no good at painting, which is another thing I hate, and so I make mistakes and I hate following behind myself with a paper towel to wipe up my mistakes. You know why I hate that? Because I left the paper towels down in the fucking basement, that’s why, so that when I come back up with them, or even some toilet paper from the bathroom, it’s already dry and you will always know that I painted this room. Me. The guy who hates painting.

Okay, where was I? Oh yes. Hate.

I hate the way the roller splatters paint on my glasses. I paid five fucking hundred dollars for these glasses, and I didn’t pay it to paint them. Also, I hate the rollers themselves, they sound like a pig being squeegeed to death, as I’ve said, and also they just don’t work. Who fucking came up with this idea of putting paint onto a roller and then rolling it on. I get one or two back-and-forths, yops, and then it’s done and I have to add more paint. I’d do better just throwing the paint on the wall and rollering at random. Which I would if I even remotely enjoyed painting or trying to improve the painting process. I don’t. I hate both.

I hate how painting hurts my hands. And my wrists. It hurts. Perhaps it hurts because I don’t know how to paint, you say? Well tough shit because I’m going to bitch about it anyway.

Oh! Oh! I hate the way my fucking wife says I’m being a big fucking baby. I hate it when she says lighten up, it’s for our child’s bedroom, and that this means somehow I am supposed to not hate it so much. News flash: It could be for my dying mother, and I would hate it all the same. It could be for my dying mother, who only wanted a primavera room to die in and I’d be scraping my fingernails of primavera paint and getting drunk in the basement while she dies in her precious primavera room like the Queen herself. M’lady! your precious death room is ready! I hope you enjoy it, since I hated it so much. Happy death, Mom.

I really hate painting.

Okay, let’s see. Dying mom. Radio. Squeegeed pig intestine. Rollering my eyeglasses, which cost five fucking hundred dollars. Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh fuck me yes: The one coat promise. Bull. Shit. If you can do it all in one coat, that means only one thing: you love painting. Why don’t you and the paint can get a room, paint lover? Then you could put your hard-on in the paint can and stir up a new paint color called “Fuck you!”

And the brushes never get cleaned. Ever. They are always like totally stiff when you want to use them again. I mean, do guys who love to paint spend like twenty minutes washing brushes? Because I have, and it still ended up stiff as the hard-on you people who love painting get when you paint. I am a man who will keep a plastic bag and re-use it till Jesus himself reappears, but I throw away a paint brush like it’s toiler paper.

And the heat. It’s like every paint can comes with a fireplace. Ever seen a painter wearing a sweater? Nope, no such luck. Instead you’re standing there in a boiling hot room, with fumy paint on your balls, wearing latex gloves to keep the paint off your hands but not your balls or your glasses, which cost five hundred fucking dollars remember, and your rubbing a roller onto a wall. That’s not home improvement. That’s hell.

And after all that, all the whole fucking shtick you do, which every last drop of it I hate, every bit of it, except maybe the smell and the beer—after all that whole bullshit you do, you know what you have? A new color on a wall. Great. Happy Christmas. Enjoy it, you fuck.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more Newsmakers Speak commentaries.

Treasury Buys Struggling Borders Stores

2008-10-14T10:46:00.000-07:00

Ann Arbor, MICHIGAN—Calling the move “extensive, necessary, and urgent,” Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson announced that the government’s $700 billion bailout plan would move forward today with the purchase of struggling bookstore giant Borders Group, Inc. The purchase, intended to shore up an important facet of the commercial paper market, would make the government majority owner of the publicly traded company.

Speaking shortly after President Bush at a glittering mall Borders here, Secretary Paulson said that the security of Borders, “where you can get a nice latte and also a magazine if you want,” will calm jittery markets and inject confidence into an economy shaking with worry about everything, including books.

Mr. Bush also reiterated the need for calm and suggested Americans should take a long-term view of the American economy. “Don’t just buy a book and throw it away or hide it under your mattress,” the President said, “but rather keep it a while. It’s a book—put it on your bookshelf.” The President admitted he was not much of a reader but that he liked "that wizard kid," and books about eagles, “and Borders has plenty of all that, thanks to us.”

The Ann Arbor based book chain has over 1,100 stores and 30,000 employees worldwide, with consolidated sales over $3.8 billion. But recent rumors of a downward spiral sluggish sales, overextended growth, and fierce competition from Barnes and Noble have The government will reportedly pay $200 billion “for the whole shebang,” according to Paulson, “including the fixtures and the Coca-Cola machines.”

Asked about the price tag and the relevant worth of Borders as opposed to companies in the unsteady banking industry, Paulson responded that they can always return it within 30 days as long as Americans don’t damage too many books in the meantime or take them into the bathroom. “Plus,” the President added, “we just put it on the credit card—thanks, Congress.”

News of the “book bailout” sent the company’s stock price soaring to $5.02 a share. Company CEO George L. Jones, showing obvious relief, announced his resignation, adding that he “didn’t like books anyway” and that as his last official act he was trying to arrange a reading and signing for Paulson at the Washington, D.C. store.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Bicyclist Thrown Under Bus

2008-09-25T12:38:00.000-07:00

Dallas, TEXAS—In a move some in the tight-knit cycling community here are calling treacherous and selfish, area bicyclist Todd Schramm, 26, was thrown under the bus this morning. The incident occurred downtown, the bus in question a Dallas Area Rapid Transit local, the 39. Schramm, shown at left on his way to the meeting where the throwing-under would occur, was too in shock to comment.

However, witnesses on the scene recognized the treachery for what it was. According to Ed Phelps, 52, an IT professional, “I’ve seen it happen a million times. You think everything’s going smoothly and everyone’s on the same page, then bam—your face is crunched under half a ton of public transit.”

Witness Carla Thomas, 32, a marketing supervisor, agreed. “I feel for the guy,” Thomas said. “Just yesterday on a conference call my boss blamed me for budget numbers he authorized last month. ‘Carla’s going to have to take another look on our end,’ was what he said. What a dick. I can still taste the tire treads on that one.”

Investigators are unsure who exactly threw Schramm under the bus, but initial post-mortem reports seem indicate motorist Marcy Terrin, 42, a landscaper. “I did what I had to do to get where I needed to go,” said Terrin. “The bank.” She declined further comment.

Bike messenger Marcus Finney, 27, regularly waved to Schramm and announced that cars, pedestrians, and cyclists are supposed to work together “to make this downtown scene as copasetic as possible. We shouldn’t be playing these head games. Doesn’t anyone understand loyalty anymore, or checking their rearview mirror?”

Schramm, still clinging to his Bianci fixed-gear as well as a crooked no parking sign that the bus pushed him into and on top of, was unavailable for comment.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Bush Offers Faith-Based Financial Recovery Package

2008-09-24T20:54:00.000-07:00

Washington, DC—President Bush addressed a nervous nation last night, seeking to placate and alleviate rising concern about the economic crisis gripping the entire world. With 78% of the country now “worried” or “terribly worried” about the economic crisis, stemming from bad mortgage investments on the part of some formerly rock-solid companies now facing insolvency, the President outlined a bold, innovative faith-based recovery package.

“Our administration knows what to do,” Bush told the nation. “And we’re gonna do it. We are totally gonna do it. We just need Congress to give us the old go-ahead, and we will get right on it. Have faith, and pray your guts out,” he added.

Praising both his less-than-a-year-on-the-job Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson as well as widely acclaimed Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke—shown above transitioning the plan into action—President Bush sought both to calm nervous investors and project a sense of authority in the face of rising bipartisan criticism of his response to the crisis.

“We will do the right thing here,” the President said. “It’s all in our plan. At least, if you believe hard enough, it is.”

The President stopped short of calling critics of his plan “unbelievers” and “unpatriotic Obama supporters,” but he did strenuously endorse faith-based initiatives like those his government has hailed as the answer to everything from alleviating poverty to reconstructing Iraq. “God-willing, so sayeth the Lord.”

Some Democratic lawmakers were incredulous at what they called yet another power grab by an administration that has already expanded executive powers farther than any other president in history. “You’re telling me, with $700 billion on the line,” railed Vermont congressman Bernie Sanders, “we’re just supposed to accept whatever piece of paper the administration sends over because we’re so scared of causing another Great Depression, even though there’s no specifics at all and Henry Paulson’s decisions would be ‘not reviewable.’?”

“That’s exactly right,” said Mr. Bush. “That, and pray like hell.”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking crisis.

Midwife Also Performs Comedy, Magic

2008-09-24T20:28:00.000-07:00

Sausalito, CALIFORNIA—In a press release and news conference today, area midwife Carol Lafontaine announced that in addition to births she would be performing comedy and magic. The announcement, sure to send shockwaves through the birthing and entertainment communities, would make Lafontaine, 34, a self-described “triple threat of obstetrics.”

Even while outlining her new business plan, the longtime midwife and mother of two was careful to reassure her current clients that her new career vectors wouldn’t impinge on their labor experiences. “We’re not talking comedy, magic, and birth at the same time,” Lafontaine said. “No, I plan on serving clients first for weddings, then for births, and finally confirmations or bat mitzvahs. It’s a longterm vision.”

Lafontaine added that she didn’t mean to suggest there wasn’t anything funny or magical about birth. “I mean, you’re talking to a woman who sends every other man she meets into a midwife crisis.”

But seriously, she went on, she would never violate the trust between birth mother and midwife, which has been forged over thousands of years of practice, by pointing out that it shouldn’t be called labor because the midwife’s the only one who gets paid, or that if the husband had really wanted to avoid massive surgical intervention he shouldn’t have parked in the hospital ramp’s C Section. No, comedy was off limits, Lafontaine said, unless mom asks for nubain after she’s already entered transition, because the look on her face when you tell her it’s too late for that is "laugh-out-loud funny...like me."

“And I’d never comment on mom's hair,” Lafontaine clarified, “but what is up with that anyway, Medusa? Forget milk...Got Comb?”

Lafontaine also said clients could rest assured she would never use her magic skills to make a baby disappear, except with baby volunteers during her actual magic performances every other weekend at the Bay Area Sheraton. “No, during your birth experience and the precious months afterward, the only thing I will make disappear for pregnant parents is discomfort and anxiety. And also your sex lives.”

“Pick a card,” she added.

When a bystander agreed to pick a card, wrote his name and favorite food on the card, and then put it back into the deck, Lafontaine brought the entire press conference up to the maternity ward of Beth Shalom Hospital, where after some fanfare she retrieved the man’s card from the vagina of a client eight centimeters dilated. “But wait,” Lafontaine added, “there are three more cards up there—my business cards!”

To much applause and predictions of a strong career, Lafontaine announced “Thank you lady and gentleman—I’ll be here all night.”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Wooing Independents, Obama Employs Stupidity Goggles

2008-09-22T10:28:00.000-07:00

Grand Rapids, MICHIGAN—Struggling to understand and counter the inexplicable surge in momentum from rival John McCain, Senator Barack Obama’s presidential campaign has begun reaching out to independent voters who will almost certainly decide the November election. Obama’s challenge, political analysts agree, is to get into the mindset of these voters and truly connect with them.

It’s a daunting task when one considers this voting block’s belief that, among other things, Sarah Palin is awesome and just a regular down-home gal qualified to be a heartbeat away from the presidency, John McCain wants to change Washington and stand up for the little guy, helping poor people through community organizing is stupid, teaching creationism in school is probably a good idea, anyone who’s smart and reads stuff is an elitist, drilling for offshore oil is the best way to bring down gas prices, global warming is a hoax and polar bears can swim anyway, government regulation is worse than Hitler unless you can go back in time and regulate the reasons why we are now on the hook for $700 billion to bail out corporate gamblers, and Osama Bin Laden is lurking in Obama’s underwear.

That’s where the stupidity goggles come in. The goggles, recently greenlit by Obama’s R&D department for Beta mode, decode the million-plus indicators of stupidity, digitalize them, then translate them into visual expressions that people of actual intelligence can respond to.

“It’s like an interactive English-Spanish dictionary,” said head Obama scientist Dr. Ralph Strandberg. “Except instead of Spanish, it’s idiots. Call it ‘Dummies for Dummies.’”

The turn to technology is nothing new for the Obama camp, according to spokesman Bill Burton. “We have been a technologically adept campaign from day one, whether for fundraising, reaching the youth vote, organizing door knockers, ordering pizza, whatever.” Burton added, “We’ll handle stupidity the same way.”

Obama scientists caution that the goggles only help interpret stupidity, not understand. “No one can ‘understand’ a person believing that God literally made the earth about 5,000 years ago and then planted dinosaur bones for us to find and gave us technology to make us believe those bones are millions of years old,” said Strandberg. “All you can do facilitate communication.”

The tactic seems to be working, if a recent campaign stop here in Michigan’s core undecided territory is any example. Meeting voters in a café, Senator Obama responded to a question about the need to stay the course in Iraq thusly: “Your economic insecurity here in unemployment-crippled Grand Rapids leads you to seek stability and fortitude wherever you can find it.” Obama then shook the questioner’s hand and added, “I will show that fortitude by going to get Osama Bin Laden and giving you a job making solar panels. And not stealing your wallet,” the senator added with a wink.

Asked later what he thought of Mr. Obama, the questioner, Ted Avers, a 46-year-old truck driver, replied, “He gets me.”

Obama, in a candid moment back at his hotel room, waxed enthusiastic about the technology. “I had no idea,” the candidate said. “I feel so empowered. And it’s not just working-class folks. I’ve used these babies in to raise money in Hollywood, chat with bloggers, fire up the foot soldiers in San Francisco…with Wolf Blitzer—they’re incredible.”

When a staffer added that politicians might be the best target for the new technology, Obama agreed.

“Can you imagine meeting with [Oklahoma Republican Senator Tom] Colburn with these on? It’d be like going to primate cage with a team of zoologists.”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Dog Blogs About Life, Rectal State

2008-09-20T20:42:00.000-07:00

Longmont, COLORADO—The communications craze has officially hit the pet world, with the internet savvy among us establishing blogs for their dogs, cats, and even parakeets. One blog, for a dog-blogger known only as “Nibbles,” promises to keep the world abreast of his “life, thoughts, opinions, epiphanies, and rectal condition—24/7.”

An excerpt from a Nibbles post alerts readers that “I am feeling great today, outside doing the walk thing. Fur feels good, just got some baguette a while ago. Rectum is dilated to 1.4 centimeters.”

Why the world would want to know about such things is hard to comprehend, but Nibbles’s entries shed light on a complex web of messages sent and received via what pets are calling the “blockosphere.” Previous Nibbles posts, for instance, respond to other “blockers,” such as the March 21 rant: “Shouts out to Bailey…you smell a little dehydrated, my man. Also, my rectum is tight as a drum, but a little itchy. Pass it on.”

The cultural repercussions of pet blogging remain unclear: will it surge into the mainstream, or fade like the potbelly-pig fetish and other pet-related fads? One thing is clear, however, here and across the nation: pets are weighing in en masse.

According to Nibbles’s August 10 posting, for instance, “This is great. Fucking great! Saw a squirrel! This is awesome. Right over there, he ran up a tree and there he goes, little shit. Oh, and I need some grass, chewy grass. My rectum is ready to rock, anal sacs recently expressed. I love hot dogs!”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Financial Sector Stabilized by Elitists, Bureaucrats

2008-09-19T15:52:00.000-07:00

Washington, DC—In a move that will effectively federalize billions of dollars worth of illiquid private sector assets, President Bush today endorsed a league of elitist politicians and anticapitalist bureaucrats to plan a massive stabilization of the country’s financial markets.

The politicians and bureaucrats, shown at left being smart and coming together to fix what some are calling the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression, have developed a plan that will straitjacket the private sector with stifling and burdensome regulation, thereby saving us from financial doom by insuring average investors’ mutual fund investments and relieving ailing financial giants of the crushing subprime mortgage debt that has the entire financial sector teetering on disaster .

President Bush, in a terse Rose Garden statement, said the move will also “put latte-drinking politicians in charge of money better spent by regular Joe and Jane Six Stocks like you and me.” Which will save everything, the President added.

The President’s plan will be sent to congress next week for legislative action, and is sure to be approved. Senator Chris Dodd and Representative Barney Frank, both chairs of their respective banking and finance committees as well as communist regulatory zealots who hate business and want to strangle it and everything else with “laws” and “rules,” assured the nation that congressional action on the plan will be swift.

The plan authorizes a bunch of egg-headed, out of touch, high-minded ivy-league types to decide what’s best for the rest of us, and get us out of the mess Wall Street has created for itself by gambling on complex mortgage investments and paying for them with cash borrowed from itself. “Real East Coast types,” said Mr. Bush, “wouldn’t know a branding iron from a crow bar…gonna get in there and save the day, so don’t worry.”

The plan is having a big impact on the campaign trail. Senator John McCain, speaking to a rally in Green Bay, Wisconsin, called the move “Overregulation and burdensome top-down planning by a junta of Ivy Leaguers using your tax dollars to hog-tie the private sector businesspeople who are the engines of America’s economy” and who screwed that economy up. Mr. McCain then went on to praise the fundamentals of the economy, which he called “strong” and also “in the worst crisis since I was in Hanoi Hilton,” and to say that “if those pencil-pushing pinheads in the government don’t like it, well they can talk to the Maverick—after they’re done making everything better again.”

“Me too,” added his running mate, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. “You bet yer dressed moose we will.”

On the Democratic side, Senator Barack Obama said the moves were necessary to respond to a crisis of potentially catastrophic proportions, one made possible by eight years of Bush Administration lack of oversight and cozy, incestuous relationships between regulators and Wall Street. “It’s going to take some clear, smart thinking by our nation’s best to get us out of this mess,” he added.

Senator McCain was quick to pounce on this gaffe, using a packed campaign stop in Blaine, Minnesota, to mock Senator Obama’s comments as “elitist and out of touch.” Asking the flag-waiving crowd, “can you believe this guy?” McCain called Obama “one of them smart types, ‘understands’ things and has a ‘plan’ to ‘save’ your investments.” Mr. McCain here raised his arm as high as he could and shook his head, “just like the elitists currently planning to save our investments. That’s not putting your country first.”

Governor Palin added the jibe, “Wall Street needs to understand like we do the understanding we have. It’s true, and we have specifics.”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Area Parents Endure Initial 18 Hours of Pain and Suffering

2008-09-17T11:39:00.000-07:00

Des Moines, IOWA—Area woman Jenelle Farquardt experienced the joy of childbirth today, using her months of instruction in natural labor and prenatal yoga for a medication-free labor and delivery. The achievement, resulting in the 9 pound, 4 ounce newborn Carla Samantha, was described by witnesses and Farquardt alike as 18 hours of pure torture.

“The first 18 at least,” said beaming new dad Ted Farquardt, who suffered mightily at bedside, helping make sleep-deprived medical decisions affecting his wife and baby, as well as helplessly watching his wife struggle, weep, and holler.

Child psychologists debate whether the experience of parenting qualifies as torture or mere heartache. What is agreed is that as the child grows and matures, she continues to inspire unimaginable joy and intense love in her parents, only to let them down in equally unimaginable ways.

The Farquardts’ resolve remained steely in the face of this inevitable, universal truth, however, according to witnesses on the scene. “We’re survivors,” said Jenelle. “We’ll get through this.”

Neonatal nurse Paulette Wilson initially praised the Farquardts’ constitutional diet for pain and heartache. But later she was seen shaking her head with the other nurses. “They have no idea,” the 52-year-old mother of two said. “My boy’s a motocross rider in Idaho. And Teresa just gave birth—no idea where the dad is.”

Whether mediocre grades in school, a succession of substandard love interests, or achieving a paltry 5^th percentile of infant cranial circumference, experts and veteran parents agree that the landscape of parental pain and suffering knows no bounds. Dr. Peter Engrave, filial-suffering expert with the Stanford Pain and Parenting Institute, points to the high standards parents impose on their children: “Sports, appearance, fashion trends, consumer demands, career choice and achievement, religion, not becoming a dentist like dad—all are areas fraught with parental pain.”

Also, Dr. Engrave added, “a lot of times the kids just plain old suck.”

As for a remedy, Dr. Engrave and his colleagues recommend going back in time and reconsidering the decision to become parents.

Ted Farquardt shrugged off such assessments. “I have so much love for Carla Samantha,” he said in a statement prepared months ago for the press, “that she’ll never call me doo doo daddy or move to Australia or join a troupe of bellydancers from San Francisco or score below 30 on the ACT or crash the car into a disabled person’s wheelchair or default on cosigned student loans or become a born again Christian or [exhaustive list edited]. And if she does any of that stuff, we will just love so much harder, she’ll have to change.”

As of press time, Farquardt had not amended his statement. “Too late,” he said.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Wicked Galveston Provokes God's Wrath

2008-09-14T00:27:00.001-07:00

Galveston (what is left of it), TEXAS—Residents of this Gulfside tourist town are fearing the worst today after Hurricane Ike delivered a mighty blow to their wicked, wicked lives. In one of the largest theo-meteorological events ever recorded, Hurricane Ike caused building collapses, home loss, widespread flooding, power outages, and—with a Homeland Security prediction of “certain death” for those who remained on the island in violation of the mandatory evacuation order—a casualty toll all but certain to rise over coming days. Galvestonians, shown at left with their depravity being literally halted in its tracks, experienced the punishment with awe, dismay, and remorse.

“We never heeded any almighty warnings about our cruise industry, our port, our oil rig heritage, or even our allowing the Moody National Bank to headquarter here,” said Mayor Lyda Ann Thomas. “Big mistake.”

God apparently agreed, sending 110 mile winds and a storm surge that easily topped the famous 17-foot Galveston Seawall. Flooding, mayhem, destruction, and comeuppance ensued.

With the 300-mile wide storm centering its eye, and God’s eye, directly over Galveston at about 4:00 A.M., it was clear the city was being singled out for its wickedness. Without any comment from God, however, the nation was left to wonder which wickednesses God was angriest at most. Among the contenders are white people, who are a majority on the island; burned children, who are treated at the Shriners Hospital in downtown Galveston; Victorian architecture, of which the city is rich in history; Republican Senators, since Kay Bailey Hutchinson was born there; or cruises, as Galveston is the top Gulf Coast cruise destination port.

It was also a possibility that—with Galveston named one of the top five hurricane-vulnerable cities in America by the Associated Press—God simply hates lack of preparation on the federal government’s part.

Among the other hated, punished populations in the world this week, as determined by acts of God and/or human error, are Moscow airline passengers, Los Angeles bus passengers, and Chinese mud-slide getters-in-the-wayers, of whom God chose 254 to send to hell for presumed muddy depravity and unclean wickedness.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Fannie and Fweddie, the Twue Stowy

2008-09-09T09:13:00.000-07:00

Editor’s Note: As Mr. Crumbs has not been made available for further comment by his corporate and/or Bush Administration handlers, Newsmaker News is proud to bring the following verbatim transcript of his recent testimony before the Senate Banking Committee regarding the government takeover of mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.

Mr. Crumbs: Oh well, we twied. [blows horn] But it was good to get all those Amewicans into homes, wight? Of course it was!

Chairman Dodd: I think you are overlooking a major financial crisis here. Fannie and Freddie are the only entities shoring up the industry now, and they have really screwed it up so bad, the government has had to take them over.

Mr. Crumbs: I agwee! But the pwoblem here is not my haircut. It's the overwegulation! If Fweddie were wun more like a corpowation and less like a socialist experiment for Twotskyites, we’d be smoking cigars as we speak. [wiggles nose] Speaking of… [lights cigar. cigar blows up in face.]

[laughter from senators]

Mr. Crumbs: Oh well. See, we twied our hardest. It just didn't work. Now it's time to say we're sowwy.

Chairman Dodd: Mr. Crumbs—

Mr. Crumbs: Please, call me Cwacker.

Chairman Dodd: Mr. Crumbs—

Mr. Crumbs: How about Cwumpitty? Can we agwee to call me Cwumpitty? Can we also agwee that an adjustable wate mortgate is just the thing you need to get into a nice condo, maybe in Arlington, where the taxes are low?

Chairman Dodd: Well, I have been looking—

[balloons and streamers drop. lights flash. Mr. Crumbs’s bow tie spins.]

Mr. Crumbs: Looking is the magic word! Evewyone should be looking.

Chairman Dodd: Everyone should be taking fiscal responsibility.

Mr. Crumbs: Fiscal wesponsibility is a wonderful thing. And another wonderful thing is a condo! You don't even need money! Because for a downpayment, we have tax payers. [to gallery] Wouldn’t you love to help Mr. Dodd get into a new condo, nice people? [blows horn]

[gallery applause]

Senator Shelby: You’re all right, Crumpitty Cracker Crumbs.

Mr. Crumbs: I twy. This is much easier than Enwon. That one was a tight wope to walk. [rises, ascends onto table, walks tight rope, falls with loud crashing sounds, possibly cymbals.]

[gallery gasps]

Chairman Dodd: Are you all right, Crumpitty?

Mr. Crumbs: I’m better than all right! I’m bailed out!

[Mr. Crumbs’s assistant wheelbarrows Mr. Crumbs out of hearing room.]

[gallery applause]

Senator Shelby: Movement to adjourn?

Chairman Dodd: Yeah, let’s do that. I got nothin’.

[adjournment]

Study Confirms Nahchus-Tsorris Link

2008-09-08T22:01:00.000-07:00

Tea Neck, NEW JERSEY—With far-ranging repercussions for Jews and Jewish culture everywhere, a new study was released today confirming a strong, “statistically significant” linkage between nahchus and tsorris. The study, commissioned by the Shpilchaus Society, followed nearly 1,000 Jewish parents, making it the most exhaustive of its kind.

While many Jews have long postulated that nahchus and tsorris—the irreducible filial emotions of pride and sorrow, respectively—stem from the same biological source, no scientific survey has ever been able to quantify the claims so pointedly. As for the linkage, Benjamin Shmeerson, head researcher for the Shpilchaus Society, put it bluntly: “It’s the kids, and also the grandkids.”

Shmeerson also acknowledged that the various factions of Jewish science would no doubt have much to say, and much to challenge, about the report. Yet, he said, “Numbers is numbers.”

The debate seems particularly contentious on the tsorris side. Purists, known to Jewish research circles as Kvetchers, argue that tsorris is generated by any number of daily ailments and sadnesses—from pogroms to lousy counter service at the Bagel Bin. To conclude that tsorris is solely biologically determined by one’s filial offspring, they argue, is “missing the entire point of Judaism and Jewish life—being able to bitch about anything and everything, no holds barred.” This according to Kvetcher spokesman Marty Finkel.

Yet their opposing theorists, known as Mishbocha-ists, argue that when it comes right down to it, Jews savor child-related tsorris so much more than everyday tsorris. “It’s like a different animal altogether,” claims Mishbocha-ist Calvin Olen. “Some of these babushkas and their kids, it’s like a fine wine to them—they’d store their tsorris in humidity controlled cellars if they could.”

Both groups agree, however, that only kids can give you nahchus. “What are you gonna, get some nahchus from your dog who goes poop like he should?” said Finkel. “Or what, a nice piece of fish? Stop it now, it’s silly.”

As for the study itself, which was juried by a panel of rabbis and also machers who think they could be rabbis with as much as they talk like they went to Talmud Torah with God himself, the key finding resides in the number of instances of tsorris and nahchus when held constant for the number of children, attitude of those children, and levels of education also of the children. “Let’s not forget how often the children go to shul and whether they do d-r-u-g-s,” added the report. “Of course, it goes without saying, we factored in the whole goy-marriage thing.”

However, as many statistics experts have pointed out, causality is another matter altogether. “Whether nahchus systematically leads to tsorris is unclear,” said Shmeerson, “though it’s hard to imagine tsorris leading to nahchus.” Asked to explain, Shmeerson pointed to one Minnesota family in the study, where the son had been caught shoplifting at age 12, and even though the son went on to be a prominent physician with a thriving practice, he was always known not for saving lives and infusing an entire community with health and wellbeing, God forbid, but for that one time his mother received a phone call from the St. Louis Park Police Department and the shame, oy the shame...like skin cancer on her forehead it was.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Rap Stars Confront Hose Overindulgence

2008-09-06T22:51:00.000-07:00

Los Angeles—In a move widely unexpected except on chat boards and in some areas of Compton and Brooklyn, rap music’s biggest stars united today behind a movement to address the industry’s overdependence on—and some would say hoarding of—hose. A nonprofit foundation would be formed, it was announced, to both rid rap of these hose, and help save the hose themselves.

The popular genre’s self-appointed leaders, shown above at a press conference announcing the foundation, were characteristically blunt about the problem, which they admitted has been festering for years even as the rap lifestyle and most popular culture ignored it.

“There are plain and simple too many hose,” said Sean “Diddy” Combs in remarks to the media today. “Some of these hose are broken, some are skanky, and most of them are just no good. I got like three hose I can trust—and that’s the Diddy’s truth.”

Rap’s most successful hero, Jay Z, also appeared at the news conference, and unequivocally agreed. “Sometimes even I have to ask myself, why do I have so many hose? I don’t wear them. Shit, I even have white hose. Now you tell me: what’s a black-ass brother going to do with some white hose?”

Cultural critics across the nation hailed the announcement as a major step in rap’s effort to clean up its house. “Well, it’s been offensive to women for years now,” said Katherine Kersten, columnist for the Minneapolis Star-Tribune, frequent hosiery commentator, and longtime critic of rap fashion and everything else black. “We women know these rappers don’t wear their hose. Except maybe to rob convenience stores,” she added.

Surprising most observers with his candor, Diddy himself agreed. “Can’t nobody rob this many convenience stores,” he was quoted as saying by the AP. “Even if you robbed a joint a day, you’d only need like six pairs of hose. Get somebody to wash your hose,” Diddy said, “unless you telling me a brother’s afraid to wash his own hose.”

Other rappers, not present at the news conference due to scheduling conflicts, record label requirements, shoe contract restrictions, or long-standing blood feuds, lent their voices to the hose-recovery efforts. “West Coast, East Coast, H-Town brothers, from Slim Thug to B. Gizzle,” said multi-platinum record-seller Snoop Dogg, “we gotta stop collecting all these hose. It’s time to limit ourselves to like two or three hose a day. Damn, I ain’t even got any hose on now, and how you think I feel?”

Despite the unity of artists, from the trip-rap, ganster rap, party rap and even pop-rap factions, no one was predicting the hose-recovery effort would be easy, Mr. Z included. “Y’all got boxes and boxes of hose out there, and the Salvation Army won’t take them so don’t even try. But it’s important to send a message to the kids.”

Here Mr. Z trained his considerable charm on the cameras, knowing in his media-savvy way that all the rap world was watching. “Kids, enough is enough. I know it’s hard, cuz Jay Z’s been there. Sometimes these hose come right up to your door and start swimming in your pool and curling up in your various beds, and you’re thinking, ‘Damn, this is great, I got all these hose.’

“But let me tell you young brothers,” Mr. Z went on, “it ain’t worth it. One day you find some hose in your wallet. And these hose are nasty—so don’t be dippin, not even your big toe, in these broke ass hose.”

Mr. Diddy added, clearly moved, added, “Amen yo.”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

GOP Convention Highlights

2008-09-05T13:02:00.000-07:00

St. Paul, MINNESOTA—On this last day of the Republican National Convention, amidst the ebbing celebration and reinvigorated party faithful, Newsmaker News brings you a few of the week’s highlights.

• Heightened safety: thanks to heart-detection devices, the convention was free of the fear that it would be infiltrated by people with hearts.

• American hats: in deference to the suffering on the Gulf Coast, delegates wore their American hats first, their Republican hats second, and their ass hats when out on the town.

• Gulf Coast care packages: delegates volunteered to package relief items for Gustav victims, including bottled water, prayers, tax breaks, and bootstraps.

• Sarah Palin’s son-in-law-to-be: GOP leadership cleaned up Levi Johnston, put a blazer on him, and made it perfectly clear that there was no way in hell the kid would ever be seceding from this particular union.

• Economic distress addressed: concrete strategies for dealing with American’s economic anxieties were addressed, taped up, and mailed COD to “Whinyville, USA.”

• Mike Huckabee rocks: enjoying some nightlife at a Minneapolis bar, Governor Huckabee joined the band to sing “Born to Be Wild” then proceeded to actually fire all his guns at once, injuring seven people.

• Hookers and Blow concert: the Minneapolis party-music institution had its largest crowd ever, thanks to throngs of delegates unaware it was just the band's name.

• Protesters: urine-throwing Anarchists upstaged an otherwise pointless protest.

• Sarah Palin’s feisty acceptance speech: Governor Palin hit a home run, even her critics agreed, by getting downright nasty in every male delegate’s mind for the entire length of her speech and again later that night in hotel rooms across the Twin Cities.

• Joe Lieberman praises McCain: the independent Democrat defied his party by addressing the largest collection of goyim outside Idaho.

• Rage Against the Machine: never happened.

• Michelle Bachman: the 3^rd District Minnesota Congresswoman gave the speech of her life, defending McCain running mate Sarah Palin with a rousing refrain of “I’d tap that.”

• Awww: an old man told some stories.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for no more convention coverage.

RNC Update: GOP Energy Plan Unveiled

2008-09-04T12:01:00.000-07:00

St. Paul, MINNESOTA—With global warming increasingly threatening and energy prices on the rise, Republicans today unveiled a new energy plan that they believe will guide American into the future. Here’s a breakdown of the plan's components:

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

RNC Update: Undelegates’ Heads Must Be Fully Severed

2008-09-03T23:09:00.000-07:00

St. Paul, MINNESOTA—In what many here are calling the "night of the living word," local Minnesotans are reeling from monotonous, persistent, and droning attacks from RNC undelegates. The advice from local law enforcement officials, however, was clear and consistent: remain calm, reason with the undelegate, and completely sever their heads from their bodies. “It’s the only way to stop them,” said a shaken police chief, John Harrington. “For the love of God, cut cleanly and completely.”

Even if you are asked for brains, or directions to Mickey’s Diner or even Casetta’s, “don’t do it, it’s a trick!” said Harrington, whilst barricaded behind his desk as a throng of undelegates swamped his office demanding in their relentless way to know where the Mary Tyler Moore statue was, how awesome and down-t0-earth Sarah Palin is, and also where Tim Pawlenty is buried.

“Brains!” one undelegate said, on condition of anonymity for fear of offending his fellow undelegates. “Mall of America! Eat moose abortion!”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for...oh my god, they're here, breaking in the windows, with their dead eyes and unborn specters! Run! Run St. Paul, run!

GOP Vows Gulf Coast Solidarity for Next Day or So

2008-09-03T22:38:00.000-07:00

St. Paul, MINNESOTA—In the midst of a difficult election season and apprehension over John McCain’s vice-presidential pick, delegates here at the Republican National Convention took time to reassure Gulf Coast hurricane victims that the GOP is doing everything it can for them over the next couple of days.

“We stand with the people of Louisiana, Texas, and Mississippi in their darkest hour,” party chair Ken Mehlman said in a statement, “or until Friday morning, whichever comes first.”

Promising care packages, fundraisers, even the waiving of convention fees so delegates can donate them to hurricane relief, the GOP stood united in their commitment to help the suffering Gustav victims through Thursday night’s acceptance speech by presumptive nominee John McCain.

Steve Pastor, a delegate from Akron, Ohio, echoed his party’s general sentiment when he said, “If you are a victim of Gustav, through the end of this week we will never forget you or let you down.” Pastor added that “we are the party of caring and quick, sure-handed action while gathered here in St. Paul.”

With buttons distributed saying “We Care Sept 1 – 4,” and with a general aura of decorum and sensitivity throughout the convention, Republicans seemed intent on unifying around a central message of response and caring within two days’ time.

Delegate Karen Kellster of Salina, Texas, was adamant that “No way are we [Republicans] going to be seen partying and whooping it up while Gulf Coast Americans are suffering.” She reiterated that until Friday, this suffering has no place in the GOP. “We really have to show our softer, more responsive caring side within the 3-day limit.”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Bromance Consummated with Brojob

2008-08-29T10:08:00.000-07:00

Austin, TEXAS—A long-simmering relationship between two bros in this free-wheeling Texas college town was finally consummated, sources close to the bros reported. The consummation occurred sometime around 11:40 yesterday evening, after a Shins concert.

The bros, web designer Carson Macintosh, 31, and musician Ben Smits, 27, were not available for comment. Mutual friend Jessica Connors, however, confirmed that the two had been hanging out for some time now, drawn to each other by a friendly, affectionate bond that Connors called “cute.” “But they’re not gay,” Connors added. “Ben has a girlfriend. It’s just fun.”

The bros, shown above on their way to the Shins concert, allegedly decided to consummate things after an intense discussion of life, past struggles with relationships, and Quentin Tarantino films. The resulting brojob took place in Macintosh’s Audi.

Speculation was flying Saturday that the pair might move in together while Smits’s long-time girlfriend, Tina Ahlers, travels to Poland on a Fullbright scholarship. Macintosh needs a place to stay, it was reported, and “that’s what bros are for,” according to a source who wished to remain anonymous on account of his own previous consummation with one of the bros.

Connors was dubious about the moving-in rumor, however. “Ben’s pretty messy,” she said, “and Carson’s a vegetarian.”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking bro story.

Clinton Supporters Rejoice at McCain Veep Pick

2008-08-29T09:41:00.000-07:00

Anchorage, ALASKA—Millions of women who supported Senator Hillary Clinton for president rejoiced today at news that John McCain, the presumptive Republican nominee, has chosen Alaska Governor and former beauty queen Sarah Palin as his running mate.

“Oh my goodness,” said Mikki Smith, of Tampa Bay, Florida, “a woman, a woman—I just can’t believe how wonderful this is. Hillary would be so proud.”

While Hillary Clinton has yet to comment on the pick, many analysts find it hard to see how she wouldn’t approve. The lifetime member of the NRA, who is fiercely anti-abortion and advocates drilling for oil in Alaska’s protected ANWAR areas, and who believes marriage is between a man and woman only and who was runner up in the 1984 Miss Alaska beauty pageant—clearly Palin stands for everything Hillary Clinton has worked her entire political life to achieve.

The pick also heightens Barack Obama’s lack of experience. “Certainly a woman two years into the governorship of a state bordering Russia has all the experience necessary to be president,” said CNN’s Wolf Blitzer. “Not to mention her four years on the Wasilla city council.”

Clinton supporter Alexi Weldon, of Connecticut, went even further: “Anyone who thinks this woman isn’t ready or doesn’t have the right policies to be president is just as sexist as Barack Obama. This feminist is officially voting for the old man and his trophy vp.”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Dems: Yes We Can Remind You How Lonely You Are

2008-08-28T22:00:00.000-07:00

DENVER—In a historic moment with nationwide repercussions, Barack Obama tonight accepted his party’s nomination for president of the United States while you watched alone. Obama not only gave perhaps the best political speech ever given but also simultaneously revealed exactly how lonely and devoid of human connection your life is.

With tens of thousands of supporters cheering at Invesco Stadium and millions tuning in by television and internet, Senator Obama forcefully defended his experience to be commander in chief as well as attacked his rival’s supposed strengths on a night where you were home doing nothing and with no one calling you on the phone to tell you what an amazing moment it was. If only you were politically active, or active in any other way.

But no. Even Stevie Wonder’s joy-infused performance didn’t engender a shout-out your direction, despite the fact that you love Stevie Wonder but had no idea he was performing because you were making yourself a grilled cheese sandwich.

You, shown at left about to be lonely this weekend at the lake, also had no one calling to ask how proud you are of this country for hoisting the first African American into such national political spotlight. Instead, you had Doritos, and a banner ad on your laptop for girls who want to have sex tonight in Cincinnati, Ohio, where you don't even live.

Critics on the political left and right agreed that you are so, so lonely and not even part of this great political movement. “Plenty of action happening tonight,” said Anderson Cooper, host of CNN’s “best political team on television” election coverage. “So many guys must be getting laid tonight on account of the ‘si se puede’ spirit electrifying this nation.” Mr. Cooper added that anyone not forming a human bond tonight, political, physical, or otherwise, must be “completely unlovable on a scale we haven’t seen since the Blue Dog Democrats defected en masse from Walter Mondale to Ronald Reagan.”

You are really, really lonely, sources vaguely close to you said.

Remember that time in high school when you rode your ten speed over to Dawn Jensen’s house because you heard she put out? She didn’t put out for you, did she? No, she said you were too nice a guy, and that it wouldn’t be right, and that she liked you as a friend. Friendly you ended up biking home in the rain—remember that? Well tonight’s speech, igniting a national movement for change unifying so many disparate elements of the electorate, was so much more damaging to your sense of self-worth.

You are totally alone, witnesses said. Also, you dress oddly and don’t mix well in groups. In Denver, host of the Democratic National Convention and site of so much partying, bonding, one-night-standing, and general wowing each other’s socks off with love and affection, you wouldn’t even know anyone. You’d be all like, “si yo puedo,” by yourself in a corner.

Insiders, who spoke on condition of anonymity because of not wanting to hurt your feelings, agreed. Everyone loves Barack Obama and doesn’t love you, they all said unanimously.

While the election is far from over, as Republicans from across the country stream into St. Paul, Minnesota, to have their own convention cum hook-up party, you certainly won’t be a part of any of it. In fact, you will watch that one alone as well. Do you have enough beer to salve the pain of this loneliness? That was the question on everyone’s lips as the political season moved into a truly competitive landscape tonight.

You should probably not even vote this year, it was agreed by a cross-section of Americans tonight. Sit there and think about that quietly, they added. Someplace where we can’t hear your whimpering.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this sad, sad story.

Op-Ed: What Tiananmen Square?

2008-08-27T15:18:00.000-07:00

Beijing, CHINA—Well, it was a wonderful Olympics, wasn’t it? China presented herself flawlessly, with world-wide acclaim, and with no shame or embarrassment of any kind. From the simple purity of a young child’s voice to a night-defying display of pyrotechnics, China rose to the Olympic challenge and put on a show to awe the world for generations to come.

What’s that? Tiananmen Square? What Tiananmen Square are you referring to?

Sorry, I have no idea what you are talking about. Is anyone talking about such a thing or place? I haven’t seen it, if it exists. What I saw was China grabbing 51 gold medals, putting—how would you say?—the smack down upon America. Also there was a smacking down on all other countries.

I also saw over a million visitors and athletes descend on our glorious people’s city—all of them shopping, eating, and celebrating with China as host. Why, I walked down into the Sanlitun Entertainment District and saw many people hoisting drinks and dancing dirtily with friends. I saw too a Budweiser commercial with sexy Chinese girls at a nightclub, and I saw you think to yourself “Wow, I wish I was in Beijing with those sexy Chinese girls having a cold Budweiser while Michael Phelps walks by in his Speedo.”

You know what I didn’t see? I didn’t see any fucking Tiananmen Square. Nowhere.

Maybe you mean Olympic Green or Shunyi Olympic Rowing Stadium, both places where China put some more spanking onto you? Or maybe you mean some square in Iraq that was being bombed while your gold medal hopes bombed too?

Certainly you cannot deny that no one once uttered the words “Tiananmen Square.” Certainly not the athletes, who know what’s good for their careers. Black facemasks my Chinese ass.

What’s that you say, human rights? I heard no one talking about such things—maybe there was too much noise from the five million pounds of fireworks we lit off, and of course the eternal playing of “March of the Volunteers” while another Chinese athlete sported a gold medal over some skinny American.

Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah, can’t hear you! I see you squawking but can’t find your birdhouse, as you Americans might say. Besides, I’m too busy counting Yuan from all the American debt securities China owns. Maybe we can talk Tiananmen Square when Premier Wen Jiabao comes to evict your president from the White House when we decide that we own it now.

Then you will say to us, “But we are a superpower!” And I will say to you, “What superpower?”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more Newsmakers Speak commentaries.

Clinton Reiterates Support for ‘The Big O’

2008-08-27T09:05:00.000-07:00

DENVER—Hillary Clinton addressed her supporters today, releasing them from the responsibility to vote for her in the presidential nomination process and endorsing Senator Obama. While her support for Senator Obama was widely expected, especially after her full-throated endorsement Tuesday night, her rationale is raising some eyebrows.

“Friends,” Clinton said in her short remarks, “ladies! I need to have my O!” Explaining that the November election was a choice between sexist old man and sexist youngish man, Senator Clinton reiterated her stance that the sexist youngish man gives a better O. After all, she said, she’s been married to one, so she knows that youngish men who degrade and humiliate you and make you cry—these are the ones who make things happen. “This is my position,” Clinton said, “and it’s the best one to get the O.”

In a lighthearted moment, the upbeat, vibrant Clinton joked that while they call Senator Obama “the One,” she didn’t want to settle for just one O. Rather, there should be multiple Os. “We should get our O over the next 8 years!”

To much cheering and whooping from her supporters, Mrs. Clinton concluded that while Senator McCain is a colleague and friend, he was in no shape to give the O. “Just look at him. No one wants old O.”

Whether Mrs. Clinton’s supporters will heed her advice and take similar positions to get the O remains to be seen. A divisive roll call process might undermine the convention and crack the Democrats’ appearance of unity. Political analysts have noted, however, that division and bickering isn’t necessarily harmful long-term to the party, and might in fact lead to a powerful “make-up O” come November.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Bush to Russians: Hands Off South Appalachia

2008-08-26T12:57:00.000-07:00

Washington—With Vice President Dick Cheney visiting the area to show American support and solidarity, President Bush today issued a stern warning to Russia. “Mark my words,” the President said in a prepared statement “the Russian Federation will never include South Appalachia.”

The President, sounding vigorous and feisty in his waning term, reiterated how important the region is to America, strategically and culturally. “Whether it’s the Appalachian Trail, moonshine, or banjo music, Appalachia is as American is apple pie. Especially the south part,” the President added.

Refusing to grant Russia’s assertion that its recent invasion was performed to protect Appalachians, whom President Dmitry Medvedev claims have strong historical Russian ties, the President made clear that the entire area was off limits: “I don’t care if Georgia did incur into there—that’s between them and Tennessee. Last I looked, Tennessee’s on American soil.” The President added, “Appalachia too.”

The White House said President Bush will await Cheney’s return for a complete briefing before making any policy moves, though he made clear Russia should be punished for its misdeeds. He will also be touring the area to see any damage Russia caused. Press Secretary Dana Perino said Mr. Bush was hoping the great Smoky Mountains were unharmed, because Perino doesn’t have a nickname yet and the President seems intent on calling her “Smoky.”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking crisis.

Olympic Finale: Brazilians Defeated in Sexathon

2008-08-26T11:41:00.000-07:00

Beijing, China—In a fountain-side ceremony in a W Hotel courtyard here today, official results for the men’s sexathon were announced. The multi-day, multi-venue contest is the last medal awarded in the Olympic games and was widely assumed to belong to the powerhouse Brazilians. But in what may well be the upset of the games, it was a disciplined, well-trained German team who claimed gold.

The bronze medal was awarded to the Italians, who made history by including a disabled man on their team—the suave, one-legged Paulo Fantini. But the story of this sex challenge remains the overconfidence of the Brazilians, shown at left sulking sexily after their loss, who were seen in discotheques late at night before early morning performances. Rumors have also swirled regarding judge-seduction, Cialis doping, and even violations of the hidden anal stimulation ban.

The six-event sexathon is held throughout the games in numerous of locales, including beneath the bleachers at the National Indoor Stadium, in the locker room of the Beijing Workers’ Gymnasium, in the sand pits of Chaoyang Park Beach, and in various pools across the city. Judging consists of ten criteria, most importantly timing, concern for partner's pleasure, orgasm face, artistic expression, accent, and of course degree of difficulty. It is that last criterion that many believe put the Germans over the top, thanks to team captain Gunter Schmidt’s newly minted “shvassbinder” move—sure to be a staple in the 2012 games.

The Brazilians—shown at left in 2004 celebrating Athens gold—appeared devastated to be settling for silver. Smoking hand-rolled cigarettes and weeping behind sunglasses, they received the news with pleading, heart-pounding, and cries of “It can not be!” Team member Rodrigo even made to drown himself in the hotel fountain before being restrained by members of the media.

Order was soon restored, and the Brazilians, who lost to the Germans by only .73 points, graciously congratulated their rivals, promising a spirited rematch in 2012. “I will practice like never before, day and night,” promised Rodrigo. “Mostly night.”

Even in celebration, the German team was much more reserved. “I am very proud,” said Schmidt. “I have been working for this since a little boy I was.” Schmidt, whose wife and mother were present at each of his performances, is a favorite to become top sexer in the world. Perhaps his wife, Alexi Brunner, summed it up when she said of Gunter's high-risk, high-reward shvassbinder: “He nailed it!”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Reality Market Strengthens

2008-08-25T08:16:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON—Sales of existing homes continued to worry Wall Street in what analysts are calling a surging rebound in the nation’s reality market. Defying hopes that buyers would snap up deeply discounted properties in parts of the country hit hardest by the housing bust, the reality sector continues to surge.

Unsold properties hit an all-time high in July, the latest indication that the reality market’s remarkable skyrocket is far from over.

The National Association of Realitors reported Monday that home sales “were not good at all” and that “it looks like we’re in for a great ride through the rest of 2008.” Sales were 13.2 percent lower than a year ago and prices were down dramatically. The median price for a home sold in July dropped to $212,000, down by 7.1 percent a year ago. Inventory levels are being driven higher by a massive wave of mortgage foreclosures. Best yet, nobody seems to be betting their nest egg or refinancing for a new kitchen based on a mythical 10% year-over-year rise in property values—great news for reality across the country.

Analysts say that until the inventory level is reduced to more normal levels, the surge in the reality market is likely to persist.

Yet despite the sluggish sales and foreclosures, Chris Chen, the Realitor’s chief economist, was reluctant to conclude that the U.S. reality market in unstoppable.

“People are starting to take interest in lower prices,” Chen said, and there is “certainly enough stupidity, greed, and short-sightedness left in the system” to make home values rise again.

“And hey, when banks start offering refi’s again based on inflated price increases that haven’t even happened yet,” Chen said, there’s no telling how quickly consumers will turn back to realty for investment and general short-term foolishness. “When it comes to people’s money and reality, all bets are off.”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for updates on this breaking story.

Guy from Marketing Not Saying, Just Saying

2008-08-22T03:37:00.000-07:00

West Des Moines, Iowa—A marketing manager in the offices of Digital Micro Systems, Inc., was reported to be not saying, just saying today. The alleged not speaking, just speaking occurred during the morning “bull rounds” taken by the manager, Bill Hutchinson, most every Friday morning.

Laura Jensen, an analyst in the company’s finance department, described Hutchinson as a “likeable guy” and “pretty good at what he does, I guess.” But the alleged simultaneous saying and not saying left her and other coworkers both baffled and concerned. “I’m confused,” Jensen said, “did he say something or not?”

The incident came during a discussion the restaurant chain Redstone Grill, which has a location in Minneapolis, but not yet in Des Moines. Hutchinson, according to witnesses, alleged that he'd been to the Minneapolis Redstone and that there was a lot more going on there than just eating. “It's cougar city in there,” he said, before adding that he was not saying that at all.

Continuing on to say that he “liked to party as much as anyone,” Hutchinson furthered the confusion by alleging that Cindy Beckfeld, of Digital Micro System’s communications department, “would just love love love a Redstone to come to Des Moines.” Hutchinson went on to not say that, and then say it again.

Before the morning bull round was over, Hutchinson went on to assert and demure on at least five other topics, including that the company was getting stingy on expense reports, that he could sure use some coffee, and that the day before there had been a foul odor left in the employee lounge after programmer Eddie Padrahani microwaved his lunch. To this last unstated statement he added, cryptically, “But seriously I’m just kidding.”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Weekend Bachelor Party Finally Gets Awkward

2008-08-21T16:21:00.000-07:00

Up North, Minnesota—A weekend-long bachelor party up here finally hit that moment when things get awkward and everyone just wants to be home with their wives or girlfriends, it was reported today.

The awkwardness began, finally, during casual morning conversation, which began at roughly 2:45 P.M. on the second day of the two-day bacchanal. Attendee Matt “Mitch” Pearson indicated he had a busy week ahead, with all the planning he and his wife had yet to do for an upcoming camping trip. This information prompted another attendee, Jeff Oren, to ask, “Dude, you’re married?”

“It was almost a relief,” said attendee Steve Mansen. “That kind of awkwardness just hanging out there, it weighs on you, and then when it comes, it’s like, okay, that’s awkward.” Asked to explain, Mansen described in scant detail Mr. Pearson's shenanigans the night before, especially those with two young women at a bar the party had patronized for karaoke.

Despite the potential derailing effect of such a moment, party organizer Lou Tarkenson was prepared with a checklist of "emergency" diversionary responses. Among the list were the following:

• Commenting on the current ratio of beer-drinkers vs pussies.

• Recent Sasquatch reports on CNN.

• “Let’s not dither about who’s married and who’s not.”

• A $100 challenge to eat the leftover raw hamburger.

• “At the end of the day, who hasn’t lured a young woman outside the bar and then stuck his hands down her shorts?”

• Porn. Porn is good.

• “Wife shmife, it’s a bachelor party.”

• Comparing iPhone signals.

• Tattoos: where and what?

Tarkenson’s efforts paid off. The party overcame the awkwardness, witnesses agreed, by 5:00 that afternoon, when Tarkenson himself vomited the raw hamburger. Much later, however, he lost his $100 playing roulette at the casino, and all agreed this cleared the air of any and all awkwardness. “Oh yeah,” Mr. Oren assented. “Ain’t no awkward now! Gonna get crunked up!”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Op-Ed: Ve Have Vays of Making You Eat Spaetzel

2008-08-18T10:35:00.000-07:00

Stuttgart, Germany—You Americans, always trying to be Mr. Smarty Pants, Mr. Macgyver with ze Hero Mind. But you have no idea how ze real vorld verks. You think you can outwit us, but no. Ve are crafty, ve Germans. Believe me, ve have vays of making you eat spaetzel.

Why try to avoid this, when it is so easy for us? Ve might grind it up vith your Big Mac. Ve might blend it vith a blender, put it in green bottles, and call it Riesling. You know zero about Riesling. You vill have no idea you are eating spaetzel.

Listen, one night ven you are taking out this little frauline you are trying bang, and she suggests ze cute German cafe she’s been hearing so much about, and she looks on the menu and says “Spaetzel, I love spaetzel.” Then you vill be eating ze spaetzel.

Or ve might put it in your soup.

Ve also might send a coded message to your friend Jill, who has been saying for years how much she loves Oktoberfest—this is all according to plan. She vill say that this is ze year, mister buddy boy, that you go vith her to Oktoberfest. It’s fun, never mind that it is Zeptember still! And because you are a nice boy like your mommy raised you to be, you vill go. And because there is nothing else to do at Oktoberfest, you vill have many glasses of Spaten, and guess vut vill be put on a plate and placed in front of you then? Ah? Vut are you going to do, get up and drive yourself to a Perkins? No, no, mein friend.

Don’t be a hero. Eat ze spaetzel.

It’s only a matter of time. All ve have to do is rely on our brutal German fortitude. And also keep ze spaetzel warm because no one wants cold spaetzel.

Vun day ve might distract you vith a lovely Broomhilda vith ze high heels and legs up to her ear lobes. And ven your jaw drops like ze American toad with horns you are, ve vill pop ze spaetzel into your mouth like so much popcorn shrimps. And if you do not drop your jaw, ve have trained Broomhilda to zeduce you and take you back to her condo, where you vill find yourself on her bearskin rug vith her luscious German legs wrapped avound your neck as she is moaning vith pleasure—vut do you think you are eating then?

Think you can tell ze difference between spaetzel and vagina? Okay, how about this: Ve have people in all ze hospitals in your city, so when you go in for your appendectomy, or to pass ze kidney stone, or when you have ze heat stroke, or vutever it doesn’t matter—when ze nurse gives you ze I V, vith ze needle, and the drippy drip, ya? Spaetzel!

Why are you so special that you won’t eat ze spaetzel? Ah? Vut are you, better than every one else? You get to decide vut you eat? Ve have news for you: it doesn’t verk that vay, except in Hollywood or Disneyland or ze Grand Canyon. You can eat vutever you vant in ze Grand Canyon. But ven you come home, trust me, ve vill make you eat ze spaetzel.

Ve could just torture you, you know.

Either vay, this spaetzel thing is going to happen. And you know something? It’s not that bad. It’s like gnocchi. You never had gnocchi? This is okay—ve vill just mix it vith ze spaetzel.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more Newsmakers Speak commentaries.

Stuff in Water

2008-08-18T09:18:00.000-07:00

Danbury, Wisconsin—There is an amazing amount of stuff in the water, it was reported today. The intriguing scientific discovery was made lakeside after several moments of observation, and confirmed via independent testing.

Whereas previously it was believed that water was pretty much water, with maybe some fish and some algae or whatever, the discovery confirms that there is so much more to it than that. Of the stuff found in the water, there was the expected, but also a few surprises. A partial list of the stuff was released today, though observers caution that it will be years before any of this stuff could be found useful, or even memorable.

Here’s a sampling of some of the stuff discovered:

• Little leaves

• Spittle

• Clusters of tiny white balls that could be some kind of egg

• Shadows

• Bigger leaves

• Minnows we think, might be just small fish

• Rocks

• Last night’s Swisher Sweets wrapper

• Twine

• Infection

• Carl

• Canoes

• ’n shit

• Docks and dock hardware

• Jessica Alba fantasy

• Salvation

• Temporarily clean feet

• Itch

• Youth

• Sand, like an incredible amount of sand

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for updates to this breaking story.

Lobster-Backed Securities Fraud Snares First Settlement

2008-08-15T13:38:00.000-07:00

Mount Desert Island, Maine—On the heels of the mortgage sector meltdown, the financial sector was rocked today by another round of write-downs at the bulge bracket banks. At a press conference yesterday, G. Steven Rowe, Attorney General of Maine, announced that JP Morgan (JPM) and Morgan Stanley (MS) had agreed to buy back $7 billion in lobster-backed securities as part of an agreement to end probes by state regulators into how the complex securities were marketed to investors.

According to the agreement, these collateralized lobster obligations, or CLOees, were “presented to investors as triple-A prime investments and packaged in wicker baskets with clams, mussels, a Maine-made dessert, cooking instructions and a gift card, plus free shipping.” Attorney General Rowe added that "when the market for these recently caught derivatives dried up, the investor was left holding the bib.”

The complexities of crustacean securities are often daunting even to regulators. Legally, a CLOee is a special purpose entity wholly separate from the institution that creates it. The entity is the legal owner of a set of lobsters, called a pool. Investors in a CLOee buy lobsters issued by the entity, and receive ramekins of melted butter according to a defined set of rules. The lobsters themselves serve as collateral, and the set of rules that dictates how money received from the collateral will be distributed is called the structure. The legal entity, collateral, and structure are collectively referred to as the "deal-e-o," and often ensure that the average investor will end up caught in a trap.

Though the settlement today indicates that legally the two firms are in pretty hot water, neither admitted wrongdoing as part of the agreement. Bryson Ready, a lobster man turned investment banker and head of Morgan’s Maine derivatives trading desk, said the temptations can be great in such a high-risk sector: “Fog, salt air, waves crashing over the bow, sea spray in your face...it’s an addictive lifestyle. Not to mention the lobster.”

Attorney General Rowe was not swayed with such excuses. “Never have I seen such upstanding companies act so shellfish,” he said.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Drag Queen Wishes to Be Excused from Jerry Springer Show

2008-08-14T08:49:00.000-07:00

Chicago, Illinois—A frustrated guest of the Jerry Springer television show repeatedly requested to be excused from the show’s filming today, it was reported. Saying “Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me!” over and over during the show’s contentious debate on “Drag Queens of Water Sport,” the guest made clear she was not being allowed to be excused.

Showing obvious distress, the female impersonator, Miss Deeds, reiterated her request whenever one of the show’s other guests attempted to speak. The disgruntled Deeds modulated her intonation and syllabic stresses in an attempt to underscore how much she actually did indeed wish to be excused.

At times Ms. Deeds seemed overcome with exhaustion. “Excuse me?” she wondered at one such time, before returning to her original resolve when another guest attempted to speak to her. “Excuse me. Ex...cuse...me.”

Holding one finger up and waving her hand in her fellow guests’ face, even the show’s battle-hardened host couldn’t get the guest to feel comfortable on the show. “If we could just—” Mr. Springer was quoted as saying, before the guest repeated her request four times.

Audience reaction ranged from strenuous whooping to sympathy. “Why don’t they excuse her?” wondered Patsy Finkle, of Merriam Park, Kansas. “Maybe she has to use the bathroom.”

When one of the show’s producers told her he had done everything he could to excuse her and asked her to please sit down so they could resume filming, Ms. Deeds replied that “No [he] didn’t.”

As of post time, Newsmaker News has not learned if the guest has in fact been excused. Stay tuned for more on this breaking story.

Crocs Identify Boy, 4, as Homosexual

2008-08-12T17:17:00.000-07:00

Oak Park, New Jersey—A small section of this Chicago suburb was buzzing today with the news that 8-year-old Jeremy Taft’s favorite color was pink and that he would be a lifelong homosexual accordingly.

The boy, known affectionately on this affluent, tree-lined block as “J.T.,” returned from a shopping trip with his mother, Mary Jo Pederson, proudly displaying his new “Crocs” brand sandals, which were pink, a color J.T. loves like any gay child would. Pederson, 32, reportedly had no idea that this preference would doom her son to neighbor-imposed homosexuality, starting that very afternoon. “I just wanted him to pick the Crocs he would actually wear,” she said. Sobbing, she added, “I’m a terrible mother.”

Neighbor Joseph Francis was first to notice J.T.’s strong affinity for the shade of color between red and white, according to witnesses on the scene. “I’m as liberal as the next guy,” Francis was quoted as saying, “but the kid was just like, ‘I love my pink Crocs.’” Francis added, “Gayty gay gay.”

Longtime block club leader Sylvia Magnuson, who declined to give her age, was uneasy with the correlation of the color pink and J.T.’s nascent sexuality. “He’s just a kid who likes pink,” she said. Still, when pressed on the issue, she agreed J.T. probably would in fact turn out to be a homosexual. “But it’s not the pink Crocs,” she said. “It’s his love of theater.”

Experts disagree as to whether or not a child of 4 can be any kind of sexual at all, hetero or homo. Recent research is making headway, however. The Center for Study of Child Gayness, located in West Palm Beach, Florida, last month issued a policy statement suggesting that pink was a "strong indicator of precocious gayness." "Especially in footwear," the study added.

J.T. himself was quoted only as saying he was “Awesome,” and also was a “Big feathery bird, you can't catch me.”

“Feathery bird?” Francis commented from his front porch. “We love him just the same.”

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for updates on this breaking story.

Blogger Weighs In

2008-08-12T08:31:00.000-07:00

Blogosphere, USA—A blogger weighed in earlier today, ensuring the nation’s ongoing debate will continue for at least another day. The blogger, left, as identified by her blog photograph, posted her blog entry at 10:28 A.M., thereby immediately staking her position for the entire internet-enabled world to view.

“It’s important to make sure my voice is heard on this issue,” she was quoted as saying at the scene of her input. “My comments will add to the blogoshere.”

The blogger made her decision to weigh in somewhere around 9:40 A.M. this morning, believing it was time. “The issue is just to important,” she told bystanders.

She is expected to weigh in tomorrow, as well.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for updates on this breaking story.

Freshman Congressman Cites Study You Wouldn't Know from Niagara Falls Area

2008-08-11T10:06:00.000-07:00

Washington, D.C.—Freshman Representative Adrian Smith bolstered his amendment to an omnibus farm bill today by citing a nitrogen yield study conducted by this awesome group he met last summer on vacation in Canada with his family.

"This was a totally hot study," the suburban Nebraska Republican told the House floor during debate. "Way better than any of the studies done around here, which are lame." While claiming he made "pretty sweet" headway with the study’s overseeing organization, whom he described as "totally into me," Representative Smith was short on specifics. "You wouldn’t know it," he was quoted as saying after debate. "It doesn't know anyone from here either."

Fellow House members were skeptical. "Adrian’s always saying he’s in with some numbers from upstate, or back home in Gering [Nebraska]," said fellow Republican freshman Jim Jordan, of Ohio’s 4^th District. "Remember that time he said he was up till dawn ‘really getting to know’ this report on crop rotation strategies from somewhere in Ontario?"

Asked for more details on the Niagara Falls study, Smith demurred, saying "I don’t want to be the kind of congressman who blabs behind a nice study's back." The relationship now, he said, is still going but “real casual," and he hopes to make it back to Niagara Falls for further study when he can.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for more on this breaking story.

Advertising Award Winner Accused of Fraud

2008-08-11T09:11:00.000-07:00

Akron, Ohio—Hasse J. Beckwith, winner of a 1995 Silver Microphone Award, was accused of fraud in connection with the award, it was reported today. The Silver Microphone Awards, which are given to the best local and regional radio commercials produced throughout the nation and created by advertising agencies and audio production companies, announced that Beckwith, shown here at the award's after-after-party, was not of age to participate.

Beckwith won the award for his moving public awareness campaign "Bubble Gum Larceny," a series of child-focused radio spots featuring "Mr. Bubbles," a charismatic gum chewer who urges children to be good and avoid petty crime. Over 40,000 participants, both advertising agencies and production companies nationwide, are considered for the Silver Microphone Awards. A panel of judges, representing all aspects of the broadcast and advertising industry rated each entry. Entries are judged for their creativity, production quality, copywriting, talent and overall effectiveness. Of Beckwith's campaign the judges noted the "childlike approach" and the way Mr. Bubbles "really seemed to ignore standard rules of radio copy and speak directly kid to kid."

Beckwith was gracious at the award gala, keeping his acceptance remarks short. "You're totally cool," he was reported to have said. "And I totally wrote that bubbles thing too."

The controversy began when Silver Microphone's executive director, T. Michael Hershburg, announced that the group had "incontrovertible evidence" that in 1995 Beckwith was in fact a 6year old girl. Hershburg was quick to add that he hoped litigation would not be necessary. "We just want the award back," sources quoted him as saying. "And the money would be nice too." Asked how he came upon this knowledge almost 13 years later, Hershburg declined comment.

Keep tuned to Newsmaker News for updates to this breaking story.

Jay Farrar to Host "America's Got Talent"

2008-08-07T10:03:00.001-07:00

Newsmaker News has learned that alt-country icon Jay Farrar will host the 2009 season of NBC's answer to American Idol, America's Got Talent.

Sources close to Farrar, the prime mover behind the seminal alt-country bands Uncle Tupelo and Son Volt, say he is excited about the opportunity. "I've got talent," said Farrar, "so it's a natural fit."

Farrar will replace current host Jerry Springer, who is stepping down to run for mayor of Cleveland. How Farrar will gel with the show's judges, especially the famously outspoken Sharon Osbourne and the cantankerous Piers Morgan, remains to be seen. Judge David Hasselhoff, however, will perhaps offer more rapport. "I'm a huge Gob Iron fan," said The Hoff.

Farrar, shown at left with pal Jeff Tweedy in 1989, is moving to Los Angeles to make himself completely available to the show's producers. As of post time, it was unclear if Farrar will sell his St. Louis-area farm, or rent it.

America's Got Talent executive producer Simon Cowell expects Farrar to make an immediate impact. "We expect ratings to go through the roof," Cowell said in a press conference introducing Jay to the media and everyone else in Los Angeles. "Whether we open every show with a couple acoustic numbers, or what, I don't know. Or maybe we rock out some." Cowell nudged Farrar and added, "Could be 'Whiskey Bottle' Jay? Ah? Ah?" Farrar said he would be honored.

Stay tuned to Newsmaker News for updates on this breaking story.